Snow remained even stiller, if that was even possible. Even though ZaiWin was still holding his hand, his fingers still laced with his, all that crushing strength was suddenly gone from his hard grip, his hand feeling warm and heavy. It was almost as if he had fallen asleep where he sat, his entire, massive body going completely listless. Of course Snow didn't believe that possibility, not for a second. He was all too aware that one wrong move on his part could very well set the dark monster off again. And yet, there was no way he could simply stay there, pretending he didn't exist, afraid to move, to even breathe. That had never been his intention either. He wanted ... needed to apologize. Even if doing so would make him even angrier. Even if ... he couldn't be forgiven ... Even if things would never go back to being the way they used to be.
Licking his throbbing lips made him wince. It stung, and a light taste of blood remained on his tongue.
Why was this so hard? Raise your head! Look at him!, Snow commanded himself, willed himself into action. And yet all he managed to do was tremble even harder. Taking a deep breath, Snow tried to calm himself.
"I'm … sorry …" he finally managed to whisper, his own rough voice sounding strange to his ears, seeing that it had been a while since he'd last used it to speak. And yet the one sitting in front of him didn't even move, didn't utter a single sound.
Trying to gather as much courage as he could manage, Snow slowly turned his head, only enough so he could take a peek at him.
The knot in which ZaiWin had tied his long hair had become partially undone, long locks of black hair falling down his shoulders and over his face. And he had his eyes closed, really looking as if he had fallen asleep. But his expression, even though smooth, didn't look relaxed at all, Snow immediately knew. He had seen him sleep before. In fact, he could still clearly remember how comfortable and relaxed he'd looked, the last time he'd seen him sleep, back at the inn, right before he had left him. Now he looked ... tense and, somehow, pained.
Rising a fearful, shaking hand, Snow slowly gathered one of his loose locks of hair and gently tucked it behind his ear. Since he didn't move, he dared do the same to another lock of hair. And then another, and another, until he had freed his face from all those dark shadows. He was really beautiful, Snow thought, risking touching his cheek, his fingers trembling. And it made him indescribably sad to think that that beautiful face might never smile at him again, that those blue eyes might never look gently at him again. Just thinking about it broke his heart in more ways than he could ever tell. How such small things had become so important to him, to the point where it almost felt as if his entire life revolved around them, was something he just couldn't understand. And it made his heart tremble, just thinking that he might have lost all that because of one stupid decision.
"Please ... forgive me ..." Snow repeated, squeezing that warm hand, wanting to hold on to him, praying he wouldn't just simply let go of him instead. And so he couldn't help gasp in surprise when that same hand grabbed his instead, pulling him closer against his chest.
Finally releasing his hand, ZaiWin's arms surrounded him, squeezing him into a crushing embrace, but Snow didn't mind it at all. As long as he was still willing to hold him, that was more than good enough. Certainly more than he would ever dare to ask for.
Burying his face on his neck, ZaiWin took a deep breath. He hated seeing him in pain. He hated hearing him beg. He hated that he had been the cause of both.
The small hands that desperately clung to his clothes on his back made him want to burrow even deeper into Snow's familiar scent, to strip him of his clothes and kiss every inch of his body. But his heart had finally settled down enough to be able to listen not only to his needs but to the needs of the one he was holding. Snow was shivering, his face glued to his shoulder as he clung desperately to him. He was probably crying, ZaiWin knew, even though he had rarely seen him shed a tear. And besides, he had done him harm enough as it stood.
Burying his fingers in his hair, ZaiWin tried to soothe him. And, true enough, Snow's body seemed to relax a bit.
He didn't blame him. Not like that. Not at a level where there was a need to ask for his forgiveness. Even though ZaiWin felt sorry that he obviously hadn't been able to trust him enough to share what had happened with him, the problem wasn't so much with what Snow had done, but more within himself. In how arrogant he'd been, and in how much it had hurt to be forced to face reality, to accept that there was still a lot of ground to cover until that precious child was finally able to trust him completely ... the same way he had trusted him. It wasn't Snow's fault. He had been the one happily building palaces made of clouds inside his head, and getting all angry and disappointed all by himself when, as expected, his walls made of clouds finally crumbled. So there was nothing to forgive. It was just that ... somehow, without ZaiWin realizing what was happening, he had gotten to the point where he just loved him too much. Too much for his own good. And, most certainly, too much for Snow's good as well.
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A/N: Yup. I guess we're all in accordance. Being loved by someone like ZaiWin is not an easy task to undertake.
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