Nightmare 09 – Tonight, I would be dreaming
In this past five months, I was a person who had been in a standstill. I didn't try to rebel to go against the predetermined actions that were laid down by my parents and my friends. I was obediently obeying them as if I hold no power over to myself.
However, since I first met her in that dream, I began to realize that I should take actions by my own will. My life that I lost when I had the accident was slowly returning to me. The colorless world that I was fed up to see every day became no more.
It was a bit embarrassing to say that it was only today that I any made decisive actions though. Even so, I would never turn away from things that were important to me. Never again.
This was action I was going to take right now was something of my accord too. My own will. Regardless of the risk and the danger that might befall to me, I would move forward.
"I will take back my past, so that I can move towards the future."
The buildings at Ikebukuro stood imposingly, covering some parts of the road with its shadows casted by the reddish-orange sunlight. It will night soon. People didn't mind it as much as I did, seeing as they walked normally through the roadside.
On the other hand, I was walking with steady long strides, careful not to bump into anyone. People who I passed were looking at me curiously. I was rushing and it was obvious for those who could see me. Well, it was only matter of few seconds that they would switch their attention again to their own affairs so I just shrugged all of them. I could afford to be bothered by anything now.
It was just a gut feeling.
That if I would not be able to remember anything today, tonight might be the last time I would see Yume in my dreams. And I would never want that to happen.
That's why I had to remember everything now.
"I have to." I muttered to myself, allowing the sound of my whisper to be absorbed by the noises within the surrounding.
The pedestrian lane that I have seen twice today was laid before me as I stood on the sidewalk. The lights were still red and I would cross it later on. For now…
Without realizing it, the traffic lights turned green and the people beside me started crossing the road. There several people from both side of the road as they intersected in the center of the crosswalk before passing each other completely.
Soon after no one was left to cross, the lights became yellow. I had not crossed yet… And there was a young man¬ wearing a red jacket from the sidewalk across me who made a run for it and successfully managed to cross in time before the lights became red.
'It must be nice to be carefree.' I thought and the waited for a few seconds before taking a step forward.
The reason why I came here again was not just to stare at my surroundings and hope to remember anything. Reenacting the same event, or the shock from the day of the incident might bring me back my old memories.
Yes, I would try to be hit by a vehicle again. But my plan was to dodge in the final moments regardless whether I recovered my memories or not.
I took another step… I was in in the road, the light was red, and a trailer truck was incoming.
"Look out!"
¬¬—The vehicle was enormously looming over me. It will collide within seconds. For some reason I could think clearly, probably caused by the adrenaline rushing, making my heart pump faster.
But not yet. I stared intently, burning the sight within my mind.
"Get out of the way!"
Not yet.
It was near now…
Not yet.
My memories was still not coming back. But not yet.
Only then I thought that I had no way to dodge anymore. I had pushed my time limit too far.
'Soon, I…will die.'
—Upon that realization, my mind was inflicted with a great shock and suddenly memories started to rewind like a video on a playback button.
However, I was too late. Perhaps, I would not survive.
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I recalled the first time we met. It sudden, unexpected, and something I will never forget ever again.
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It was evening of a weekend when I first met her. I had went to hang out with my two friends, and it took as late afternoon when we decided to go home. But at that time, I felt since I had the chance, might as well take a detour. My friends will cover for me when my parents will inquire anyway.
I went place by place and then ended up in a park. It was getting dark so I thought of going home after I urinate. I headed to the restroom nearby, and surprisingly took me quite some time to take out all the liquid in my bladder.
I washed my hands and got out from the restroom
—I heard a faint cry.
When I looked towards it, I saw a high school-aged girl sitting on a swing with her back facing me. The swing was only around two meters from where I stood so I could clearly hear her words.
But when her voice was about to reach my ears, something suddenly rang inside my head and then the scenery of the park and Yume changed into a roadside full of people.
My eyes wide as I stared at the young man in my front who was shouting at me with some words I could not understand. People within my field of vision were holding their breath.
Few seconds later, the ringing dissipated and a voice gradually made their way in to my ears.
"What the hell were you thinking!?"
I shifted my vision upwards as I was apparently sitting on the ground. The young man who shouted just now had a red jacket, the same person that crossed earlier. He was angry at me, perhaps also worried. I could hear people muttering various words behind my back.
"That was close."
"Maybe he had a death wish."
"Shucks, a suicidal shithead."
It had dawned on me finally. I was trying to recover my memories—no. I put a hand on my head. I remember everything now. Very clearly.
It seemed that the young man had saved me from that trailer truck. He looked at me for a moment before his expression returned to normal. He extended his hand to me, and I reluctantly took it. He pulled me up to a standing position before he spoke again. "I don't know what happened but you should not commit suicide."
"…Yes, I know. Thank you." I gave a wry smile. "Sorry but I have to go somewhere. I'll return the favor sometime."
"Sure."
It didn't feel right leaving just like this but my prioritization was Yume. After remembering everything, I could say for sure now, Yume had no plan to wake up anymore. Even if I head to the Hospital right now, I doubt she would wake up.
I could remember her words clearly on that time in the park.
—"I can't bear…it anymore… If only I could escape everything…. If only I can kill myself."
Not that I have thought about it, her whisper of her suicidal thoughts was probably what caused me to interact with her.
I gazed up for a bit to the nearing evening sky before looking at the path ahead of me again. In our current situation, I had just one way to meet with her again.
That's why tonight, I would be dreaming. And when I wake up, it would come true.
I won't have it any other way.