"But I thought you loved me..." I tear inside. torn by the swirling emotions as I see my man with another woman. I lay down to the floor, my knees weak and my eyes full of tears. My boyfriend smiles "Do you honestly think I'll want to be with a fat bitch like you." He laughs as he leaves with his girlfriend.
She's got a big smile, soft hands, a pretty rosy face. I got fair skin, a fat body, and a horrible face. Not what he wanted... I'm just not good enough. Just not good enough, no one would ever love me.
And that's how everything started. How I started to change myself.
I got on a diet, preventing myself to eat food, I used any type of beauty cosmetics I found. Because I wasn't good enough.
I got thin as a noodle and I wasn't good enough. I changed how I dressed and how I acted but I just wasn't good enough. Just not good enough for you. Is it wrong to think that you would ever love me... Is to much to ask to just feel wanted. To feel the love that other people feel while I scream in these rooms but no one hears it.
I looked for a way to make myself feel loved... I wanted to be loved... I just wanted to feel happy and wanted.
Until...
I saw that girl holding that man's hands. She looked so happy, she was pretty, she was stunning and she had something that I never had.., a boyfriend.
I asked her. "How are you so happy? How can I find happiness." She smiled and responded. "Poor little girl, the more men you have the more power you have."
A spark lights up within me... Make men fall in love with me... That's how I'll be happy...
That's what I've been doing to this day... because the more men I have. The happier I get.