I had been during this ritual for, as I mentioned previously, about 4 years now. If I'm remembering right, this should make the 4-year anniversary. Honestly, I myself didn't truly know why I did it. Was it to feel a sense of peace, hoping they would accept this tribute, if they even could accept it? Even now, 4 years later, I still didn't know.
I had managed to keep it a secret for this long, although it's rather surprising that I have, since Lachesis tries to keep an eye on me for as long as possible. But it changed ever since the ass came along…
Every time I think about him, the only thing that comes to me is a dark burning rage, festering deep inside. Because of him, the events of last year will forever be scarred unto me, and I hate that he was able to do that. Why him? Why was it that she, she…!
*Sigh* But never mind that asshole. Thinking about him, dealing with him only brought, no, brings me suffering. If I could, I would rather not deal with him for as long as I lived. If only he too would…
(So, you're going to do it again?)
… Why'd you stop me?
(Wow, so you wouldn't regret it then? How coldhearted of you.)
If I wanted too, he would be gone, never to be seen again.
(But if you really think that, then you know what that means…)
…
(So in the end, you're still a coward; albeit a coldhearted one. I knew you were fucked, but not to this level.)
…shut up…
(Oh, trying to fight back for once? When you know damn well I'm right?)
Why are you…
(I don't think I have to answer that punk. Listen, everything that happened last year is your fault to begin with.)
Like hell you would know!
(Indecisive)
gh…
(A single word is all it takes huh? Where's all that bravado from before? Listen well, because I'll only say it once.)
…i don't wanna hear…
(Like hell you won't! If you keep up this act of believing and not believing, and never making a choice, you'll never get anywhere.)
ah…
(But you want that choice don't you, yah damn coward. Does it make you feel like you have some control, is that it? Choosing neither isn't a choice, it's a damn copout.)
Shut up.
(Because you already know whose fault it is.)
Stop it!
(YOURFAULT!)
SHUTUP!!
SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTSHUTUPYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULTYOURFAULT!!!!
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I woke up feeling a hard surface underneath me, my entire body aching. I opened my eyes to see three empty carts in front of me, as expected. I pushed my body off the ground, the second time I had done so today, and cracked my back as I stretched out my sore limbs.
I pulled out my phone to check the time and breathed out a heavy sigh from the depths of my being.
It was around mid-7 o'clock.
I looked up at the now darkening sky and felt my stomach let out a guttural growl of hunger. I clutched it tightly and made my way back around to the front of the store, where I grabbed two baskets. I filled one with frozen food and oatmeal (along with brown sugar and syrup for the oatmeal), the other loaded with a variety of sweet things to snack on.
I went to the self-checkout and quickly paid before cramming my stuff into bags and walking out into the evening air thick with humidity. It felt like it was probably going to rain later tonight.
I pulled out a pack of candy and started to munch away, walking the long way back to the house. It was strangely quiet outside, not even the cicadas chirping away like they normally would. It just felt like me alone in the entire world, wandering the streets of an abandoned suburbs. Soon, the streetlights came on, and it illuminated the sidewalk I was taking back to the house.
I scowled as I finished my bag of candy and threw it into a nearby trash bin before grabbing some more sweets, this time a bag of chocolates. I opened it and popped one in my mouth, the milk chocolate melting in my mouth.
I continued my way back, and I soon reached the dark house I slept in. I fished out my key and opened the door. I tossed the frozen food in the freezer and the sweets and oatmeal in the pantry before making my way back to my room. But before I could, I felt a wave of lightheadedness overtake me, and I collapsed in the hallway to the front door. I tried to push myself up, but my legs simply wouldn't work.
In the end, I managed to sit up, the night's light reaching down onto my face from the door. And so, once again, I ended up with my mind wandering far away, to a house that was far warmer and brighter…
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Back during a far simpler time, in the days of when I was five, I would find myself playing with our two neighbors, one girl and one boy. We had met when we were still in diapers and had grown heavily attached to each other since then. My brother met some people across the street and often played with them. Who they were or where they're at now, I honestly don't have a clue about either.
We would spend our summer days in absolute bliss, messing around in my home's big backyard. A simple, breathtaking rush of warm air filled with never-ending excitement and boundless happiness. My parents still together, no family problems, and absolutely no regrets had been made.
It was absolute bliss here. I watched my younger self play around with my two childhood friends, giving off a rare, genuine smile that you would not oft see today. When was the last time I had such innocent fun, without any worries about anything at all?
This would probably be it, since soon after comes winter, and with winter comes regrets that'll never be able to be fixed.
The scenery changed to a snowy wonderland, complete with snowmen, snow forts, and a pile of snowballs just waiting to be thrown. However, it would never be thrown, as soon my first regret came to pass, and my childish innocence, along with the warm, bright home I had grown to love, came to pass all too quickly.
My grade school years a blur, yet a tug of my heart that almost caused me to cry was the only thing I remembered, that and sixth grade.
In the sixth grade, my parents had already been divorced for almost six years, and it was clearly reflecting in my actions. My mom had already gotten remarried to who was now my stepdad, and because of him, I had many a punishment to do.
Especially in the sixth grade, where I was forced to do garden work all year until summer came and I went to my dad's. Whether rain or shine, be it cold or warm, I was out there, goofing off most of the time, which only extended my punishment for even longer. Occasionally Lachesis would come and help, but it was just mostly me. At the time, I honestly didn't realize what I had done to deserve this punishment. I rebelled back against my stepfather quite a lot, to the point where he snapped one day and dragged me out of a restaurant in a chokehold, me kicking and screaming the way out, all because I had slightly banged the table in my anger.
It was a rough time, and I was starting to find that no matter what time of day it was, it was never truly bright anymore. My usual escape online with Lachesis was banned and taken from me, and I couldn't do much except sleep all day and all night.
My family didn't help much either, constantly trying to tell me to act a certain way and do things in a certain manner. Honestly, it was absolute hell. The only good part was my mom, but she was overshadowed by her mom and the family, and I was always left wondering if there was something wrong with me. Maybe there was something inherently wrong with me, and I struggled to find a reason, unable to see what was wrong.
(And when you were 14, you decided to give up on understanding, didn't you?)
*Silence*
(Ignoring me now? Well, everything you just described all came about due to your ignorance, is that what you wish to say?)
I wasn't ignorant.
(Oh, so just cocky then?)
I wasn't that either. I was drowning in a sea of misconception.
(Oh? Please, continue with your bullshit.)
After all, I was just kid. How the hell was I supposed to know about how things worked? And just because they were necessarily right doesn't mean I was necessarily wrong either. They were stubborn all the way to the bitter damn end.
(So, you're pulling the I was just a kid excuse huh? And yet you wish for your opinion to be heard as an equal, correct? Sounds like a double standard to me.)
I'm not asking to be heard as an equal, just being able to be heard and listened to at all would've been great.
(You want your opinion to matter? Come talk to me again when you're able to support yourself without the money you stole.)
I didn't…
(Ah, but you did steal. More than steal money, you stole everything from them, didn't you? A greedy, indecisive coward.)
I'm not…
(Oh, but I guess you were able to make a decision, right? Do away with it all, all while trying to keep yourself happy, is that it? And you call the ass an asshole, what do you call yourself?)
I'm nothing like that ass.
(You say that, but you hate him because he was able to do what you couldn't, right?)
Shut up.
(That's what where we end back up? Can't even deny it, can you?)
gh…
(Thought so. Tell me, was that sob story meant to evoke tears? All it sounded like to me was a spoiled brat who wanted everything to end up his way, and rebelled when he couldn't.)
You have no right to damn say that!
(But I have just as much a right to say that as you have to deny it. After all, opinions are subjective. But while opinions may be subjective, all the points I've brought up are almost all objective points of fact, am I wrong?)
I don't get you…
(Hmm, and I don't get you, so looks like we're even about this.)
{depra}
(Hmm? Oh, looks like we both have to leave huh?)
I felt myself falling into the abyss once more, and I could hear a voice trying to tell me something important, but in the end, I couldn't hear what.
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I was shaken awake by a girl with the hair of summer and soft blue eyes. Feeling the hardwood beneath me, I assumed it had happened once again for the third time today.
The girl stared at me, worry filling her wondrously deep eyes, and I felt tears starting to well up as I realized who it was.
She wrapped my arm around her in silence, helping me to my feet. I turned my tired eyes to the living room, and for a brief moment it looked as if my house had turned back into the warm home it once was, my mother sitting on the couch laughing at my brother and I's antics, my dad cooking dinner in the kitchen, and the warm glow of the TV filling the air with it's wacky sounds. A scene of peace and tranquility, a scene I would be unable to recreate for a long time coming.