A while ago, I lost my job.
Today, the person I love hated me, maybe broke up with me, I'm at loss.
Yesterday, the father I respected disowned me.
A month before, my mom scolded me for being worthless, fat and stupid.
My brother always looked down on me as he laid back, cozy and relax while playing mobile games.
They're not at fault.
It's me.
I'm not enough. Full of excuses. Irresponsible. Promise Broker.
But hey, I always do what I can to make them happy. Yet, I'm falling short.
I always wish "Just give me one reason to live" to God.
He gave me my love.
He gave me the person I wanted to have for the rest of my life.
He gave me a reason to do something I don't usually do.
And he's also the reason why I'm empty now.
I disappointed him.
I just cry and give him more problems.
I don't deserve him.
But I want to be the person who deserves him. If worst comes to worst, at least, as a person who can love him from afar.
'Cause I'm at loss.
I can't find a way to make him happy every day as he makes me happy all day, every day, every minute, every second.
Cheesy. Yes.
I can't blame him as my family's like this.
I am to blame as I am as stubborn as him.
I don't learn from my mistakes.
I always make mistakes.
Mistakes that are countless as you add.
Mistakes that cannot be covered with sand.
People were right.
They have the right to gossip about me.
They have the right to tell me about everyone.
Why?
'Cause I'm the most useless person there ever is in this world.
The only thing I know is to HIDE. WAIT. MAKE AN EXCUSE. DO MY BEST BUT DISAPPOINT.
Oh. You might be reading this thinking 'suicide note'?
No. Not yet. It's not time yet. My sufferings are yet to be enough.
My sins. Including the moment, I was born, is yet to be forgiven or maybe will not be forgiven in this
lifetime.
Well, this is the saddest night.
The heartbreaking night.
The intolerable pain, as the moonlight shines above.
But one thing is for sure. I already, way before, condemned myself to this conclusion.
The conclusion where no one ever knows will happen.
But it happened. And I know early on it will happen.
But I failed to do something to prevent it from happening.
The fault of the century, the stupidest girl in the world.
I wrote this with a blank face, dead eyes and sickly arms.
Yep, sickly arms.
I haven't eaten anything decent for the past few months.
I've eaten something normal right now though.
And I spit it out. My stomach isn't nice. It only knows water as his friend.
But unfortunately, if you think that I've slim down or like soggy flesh. No. I don't have those.
I'm still plump. But sickly. I'm just getting heavier and heavier but I'm diagnosed as malnourished.
Ironic right?
Doesn't mean that you're heavy, you're healthy. No. Definitely not.
And nobody knows. Especially the person I love.
He deserves not to know, not to worry, as long as I'm alive he shouldn't worry too much. I already made his life hell with all those talks I said to him. I trust him, I love him, I respect him. But there has to be a limit to it in the meantime, not forever, but for the meantime.
He can't have sympathy now to me. He can't pity me now.
It's over he said. It's over.
And now all my soul and will to live was floating in the river of Styx.
Oh right. About my family. The root cause of everything.
Simple introduction.
My father is a cheater.
My mother is a bit of getting crazy as my father is a jerk who doesn't support the family as the father should be.
My (younger) brother, is lazy and full of ego, maybe not ego but like a silent reaper. Once you demonized him, he'll retaliate.
And me? Surely, the most useless person in the family.
I want to do this, I want to do that, nobody tries to support me, nobody tries to care for me. Except for my beloved.
He tried every means to make me realize points in life.
But I still am a baby. Have a baby brain.
I didn't mature a lot more than my father.
Wow, just now, I heard some trouble fights in the other unit. One of the tenants was a cheating couple.
Just wow.
Scared the hell out of my peaceful sad night.
I don't wanna explain anything to him is what on my mind.
My beloved is someone I deeply care about. But he doesn't understand much about it…
Why…
Why I am stubborn?
Why do I not learn?
Why can't I listen?
Why would I do that?
Why am I not say anything?
Why, why why?
Because I don't know why.
First is my job. I failed to get my glasses right on time. I suffered a lot. I haven't done anything right and had to cram on the job, at school, at night. An Excuse they say. He will understand but I don't wanna reason that.
Second is why give them my card that made my heart stop as I lost nearly everything on my bank. I thought it was theft. At first, I don't wanna say anything yet to him unless I've talked with my mother about it. But I cannot resist not saying anything to him. In short, I fcked up.
Initially, it was for them not to go back and forth from my place to the house since I also don't have much money on me so I've given my card. Though I know on the back of my mind, I shouldn't have done that since I have to take care of my personal things especially my salary, my money.
I just thought it was 'last responsibility' to them.
My father is a jerk. Who didn't give us support money a month before he returned plus he has vacation pay? Who will think that he is starving his family, right? As a breadwinner and the other person who earns after her father. I guess I have the responsibility for that.
But I also have the responsibility of my lover.
To my beloved.
That, there, is the reason for my dis-respect to my beloved's concern for me.
He cares for me but I care more to my mom and brother who was starving. But he knows I suffered the most before them.
Speaking of a filial daughter eh, am I one?
I didn't write this for sympathy, pity or anything.
I just want to share with you my thoughts on my saddest night.
The saddest night I've ever felt from the moment I was born.
Ah right, I remember, my beloved is the only person I love, that I truly love that loved me back… ain't it cute?
Wait, does my tone sound carefree?
Ah, carefree eh, the thing that I cannot become.
The thing that I will never become.
I am the master of my own and also the prisoner of my own.
*looking at every sharp object I see*
You know? It's a funny thing. Now I know what people who committed suicide feels.
I haven't tried thoroughly but I attempted before.
It's not a thing to be embarrassed about. It's something to learn about.
Every time you try to take your life, you deeply reflected all the moments you spend your life into.
Ah right I'm insensitive right now. But it's the truth.
You think your life is over then you look around your house. You saw clearly the sharp objects beyond your tears.
It's the only thing you see, it's the only thing you could easily try.
You look from top to bottom, from left to right, you're dizzy, you're emotional, you're blurred in vision so the first thing you grab is the first flicker of light in a sharp object. You then hurriedly grab it and stab it so you won't have second thoughts. Once failed you try to see if there is a high place to go to. You try if you could climb up and jump to end your life so nobody could stop you and make you change your mind and let you suffer in another situation, so on and so forth.
That's what suicidal people felt.
That's what I briefly felt.
So I shared it with you.
So you will learn to avoid it. Not to try it.
You face the truth. Your mental tolerance will get higher.
Ah you might ask, how high is your tolerance rate?
I'm average I guess.
Mental fortitude can vary with people.
I depend on someone so I could live, mentally.
I am someone who knows how to love but insensitively hurting the one I love.
Pathetic right?
But now it's midnight.
I don't any strength to do anything anymore.
Not a thing.
I only know how to complain after all. That's the truth.
Now it's time to sleep.
Will I be able to sleep?
Can I even sleep?
Maybe.
I'll try.
For the sake of tomorrow.
I'll try.
Or maybe I lied?
Maybe there's no tomorrow for me?
We never know.
So, for now, let's just sleep…
Sleep, sleep, sleep...
A tear fell down from her sunken eyes as she sleeps and sleep and never woke up again.
As the sunrise for the day of 'tomorrow', the sunlight shines into her closed eyes.
With traces of tears that glittered from the lights.
Nobody knew she will never be woke up again.
Nobody knew she will never exist again.
Again, nobody knew.
Nobody will know.
As she peacefully passed away.