Simula
Kasabay ng pagragasa ng bangka sa alon pakiramdam ko'y tinatangay nila ang buong pagkatao ko. The deep blue sea is making me mirror the unfathomable waters. The whole lot is vast and direction-less. Ilang maliliit na isla ang aming nadadaanan. Na tila walang namumuhay. I feel dizzy and body-less while riding the boat into somewhere I don't know. Ilang oras na rin ang nalalagas sa aming paglalakbay. Mula Maynila hindi ko alam kung saan kami paroroon sa pagtangay niya sa akin. I don't know what province is this. O kahit anong isla ang aming pupuntahan.
I wish I could stop it...I mean everything. I wish I could make everything halt. Or, the worst, to end everything.
My life.
Napapikit ako ng mariin at hinayaan ang malakas na hangin na tamaan ang aking mukha. Ang maingay na de-motor ng bangka'y hinayaan ko okupahin ng aking isipan. I let the noise of the boat and the sound of waves occupied my whole mind, instead of thinking of how did I end up being here...with him.
Sana'y may lakas ng loob akong tumalon sa tubig ng hindi niya kayang abutan o abutin. Sana'y tangayin na lamang ako ng alon kung saan o lubugin ng dagat hanggang sa mawala na ang lahat ng sakit. I just want him to stop chasing or caging me. Sana'y tumigil na siya. Because I feel so nothing.
Alam niya ba 'yon?
No! Kahit kailan hindi niya mararamdaman ang sakit na 'to!
I unconsciously clutched my shirt.
Nanginig ang labi ko nang mamuo na naman ang emosyong pinakakatatago 'ko. My pulse awakening for the anger that seep through my skins. I fisted my hands and bit my lip harder. I will not cry. I wasted so much tears and I will never let one more go wasted because of my emotions. It will not mess me up. No more.
No more.
"Zurie..." The deep rasp baritone voice made me jump a little from my seat.
But I remained statue. Dinilat ko ang aking mata at diretso lamang ang tingin sa karagatan. Hindi ko siya binigyang pansin at hinayaan ang kamay niya na nakapatong sa aking balikat. I shivered but I don't mind. The little proximity is making me not known how to breathe. Normally and calmly. Taas noong tumingin lamang ako kung saang hindi ko siya makikita. My heart is pounding wildly against my ribcage. Mas malakas pa sa motor ng bangka. O kahit sa anong tunog na maaaring lumabas.
It feels like something is sucking off the air inside my body, too.
"You have to eat..." alok niya sabay pag-alis ng kamay sa aking balikat.
I vow to never engage to him.
I swear I will never want to talk to him.
For I know my whole life of emotions were all lies. For I know he was my saver, but I was wrong. He is a murderer. Kapag nakikita ko ang mukha niya'y mabilis na rumaragas ang memorya kung pa'no ko naabutan ang kalagayan niya. I can't erase the memory easily. Hindi ko kayang sa isang pikit kaya ko ng maalis kung pa'no niya hawak ang isang baril na nakatutok--"Please..." he added, waking me up to a nightmare.
And here I am, in a outlandish of reality I am living. With him.
Nang hindi ko siya pinansin ay pumwesto siya sa aking harap. Across from him, hindi ko tinama ang aking mata sa kanya. My gaze is directly to the waters or maybe, to an island, or the mountain. Hindi ko hinayaang bigyan siya ng kahit isang tingin. Na ang alam kong makikita ko ang mukha niya. It disgust me. My whole-being. He repulses me. Nangingig lamang lalo ang laman ko. I hate him from all the very hate I've known a little from my life. I will never--ever forgive him! It is so hard to put your trust on someone you think you can rely on. But he broke it. He shuttered me into pieces. And everything is false alarm. I wish someone warn me, or maybe, I have been warned, but I still bit everything.
Right now, I am so scared.
Terrified.
And hurt.
That I wish someone could take away the pain inside me.
Or take me away from him.
Hindi ko pa rin siya pinansin at tinuon ang atensyon sa malawak na karagatan. I heard him sigh but I don't do anything. Pumikit ako ng mariin upang pakalmahin muli ang aking sarili. I bit my lip hard and breathed through my nose. And when I opened my eyes, I saw a huge house...no. Is this a mansion? A resort? This is the only property that my eyes are seeing...what the...where am I?
I closed my eyes and prayed, everything is a dream. I will wake up soon. Magigising na 'ko. Magigising na 'ko. Malapit na. Malapit na malapit na.
"Zurie..."
And his voice came around. A pain sound. A pleaded thud. A lie noise, mostly.
My body goes rigid. I lifted my chin and stayed straight face. Emotionless, gazing the waterfront mansion. Mula sa pag-andar ng bangka'y pansin ang puting buhangin patuloy sa magarbong mansyon na may modernong disenyo. A cotemporary Mediterranean style-house, I guess. Exquisite chic interior. Pinalilibutan ng ilang nagsisitaasang puno ng buko. The vast property will welcome the visitor, leaving themselves mouth hanging open. It is a paradise.
It took my breath away.
But still, I remember why I am here.
He took me away from my parents...from my family.
Namatay ang motor ng bangka rason upang tumigil ito malapit sa laot. Nanatili pa rin akong nakaupo sa aking pwesto. Ang lalaking nag-ayos ng aming paglalakbay ay nanatili pa rin sa dulo nitong sasakyan upang kami'y makababa. Because here in this ride, tatlo kaming pumapalaot kung saan man lupalot.
"Salamat, Mang Rody," aniya nang makababa sa bangka.
Inayos niya ang kahoy na hagdan pagkatapos makababa. Kaagad niyang inalok ang palad upang ako'y ayain. I didn't set my eyes on his face. Tumitig lamang ako sa kamay niyang nasa ere. I stood up but declined his offer. I did it on my own. Ingat na ingat ako sa bawat pagtapak ko pagbaba. Madulas ang hagdan dahil sa alon na rumaragas paunti-unti. Ramdam ko ang pag-alalay niya sa akin nang hindi tinatama ang hawak sa akin. It feels some current is trying to magnet his touch. I never wanted right now. I inhaled and exhaled deeply while doing my steps until my feet set on the fine wet sands. Sinabit ko kaagad ang aking tsinelas sa aking daliri at nag-umpisang maglakad na hindi nililingon ang kanyang pwesto.
He started to walk beside me. And suddenly anger trickled my hot skin. Nanginig ang laman ko nang maalala ang lahat. Napapikit ako ng mariin. My chin quaked. My eyes burned. Something is vacuuming the calm inside me. I bit my lip hard and tasted iron. Until my feet hurt with the burning white sands. With the scorching rays from the sun. With the harsh crash of the waves. I damn screamed. A pain and sobbed guttural sound that I've never thought I could did. I shrieked so fucking raw that aches my heart and my whole being. My chest constricted as I feel the hot tears rolling down onto my cheeks. I covered my face and scream...scream so loud. I rubbed my face and yell...yell throbbing. And with the last retort and pain, and wanted to yelp again, I feel a hard body and arms wrapped around me. One palm on the back of my head and other around my shoulder. My body unexpectedly ignore the present instance that it melded with him. It is so wrong, but why it feels so fucking utterly right that it hurts so bad? I sobbed hard, but abruptly pushed him hard, too. "Get off me!" I screeched.
Hindi siya nagmatigas na tuluyan na lamang lumayo.
Streak with tears, I looked at the face of the murderer and breathed, "How could you look at me like that! Like you are in pain! How can you pretend!" I saw his pitch black eyes bared emotions I've never expected to see. The way his cheeks sharpened and jaw ticked...in hurt. That once that face is a brave man that I've known a little. But I was wrong. A face of trusted features is a killer. "Pa'no mo 'ko kayang tignan!" I sobbed. My arms flailed and pointed him piercingly. I took a sharp breath and glowered my gaze. "Tell me, please..." Another hot tears streaming down my face. "How could you look at me when you murdered my brother...." My knees gave up, meeting the white-heat fine sands. "You killed him," I appended with the hurt I've never recognized.
I saw him, emotionless, giving me nothing but a direct face. That this is just zilch to him.
It hurts.
It fucking hurts.