"Do you want to get married?" she asked. "Are you excited about it? Is it what you want to do with your life?" she seemed genuinely interested.
I had not thought about it. I was letting it happen to me, so I must be doing what I want.
"Everyone gets married," I said lightly. "You seem so happily married that I guess it must be good."
"Is that what you think?" she asked. A small smile hovered about her lips.
She gave me a steady look and said, "You are the first person to whom I am telling this. Ashok has just asked me to marry him!"
I was surprised. I felt foolish and old fashioned. How stupid of me to assume that they were married. "I am sorry." I felt myself saying. "I thought..I..felt.."
She looked amused. "It's alright. You see, I never believed in marriage. My parents divorced when I was nine and the only thing I remember from my childhood is the sound of their screaming voices.
I love Ashok deeply but I thought marriage would destroy it. I am independent now. I have my own interior decoration firm and I am doing well. We have been together for five years and he never insisted on it. But now, he is going abroad on work and I can either go with him as his wife or…." She shrugged her shoulders.
"Marriage is a much safer option." I ventured slowly.
"Safe!! Nothing is safe. Live is full of risks. Everything is a risk. That's what makes life so wonderful. Not knowing how things will turn out!" Her face was animated and her eyes flashed.
"Then shouldn't you try to reduce the risk, make it more reliable for yourself?" I questioned her. That's what I had been taught all my life.
"Do you know what Ashok said to me yesterday?" She looked right into my eyes.
"A ship is safest in the harbor, but that is not where it's supposed to be!"
There was a minute of silence. Then someone entered the shop and asked for something.
"I must be going", she said. "It was nice talking to you."
"Yes," I said somewhat mechanically. After she left I realized that I didn't even know her name and I might never see her again.
That night I dreamt about storms and ships lashed by giant waves. I was on a rock in the middle of the ocean and heavy waters swirled around me. I awoke feeling confused and uncomfortable with a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.
The morning was a busy whirl as the household went through the process of getting ready for the bride viewing ceremony. I washed my hair and wore the new sari my mother pressed on me. I was thinking about how Mrs. Nair would manage for the day without me; there was a shipment of books coming in and I wanted to implement a new idea about putting up reviews of books we stocked on a notice board in the shop.
I didn't think much about the man who could become my husband.
In the evening, I carefully served tea and snacks to our visitors. The bespectacled software engineer and I were given our few minutes together. He seemed like an easy going man, the kind with whom a woman would have a comfortable life.
He had prospects of going abroad and came from a 'decent family', as my father put it.
"So what are you doing now?" he asked.
"Nothing much.." I murmured. I answered his questions in monosyllables. There didn't seem to be anything to say.
"What are your plans for the future?" he continued.
'Nothing' was what I was going to say, but I stopped.
Suddenly, it seemed very clear. I knew what my future was going to look like. Maybe not all of it, but I knew what I wanted to do with it.
"I am going to run my own bookshop," I said.
"What" ?
"Yes! I will ask Mrs. Nair to sell it to me. I know how it works now. I can take a loan from the bank and buy it from her. Or we could become partners. Then I.." I knew I was blabbering, speaking my thoughts aloud but I couldn't stop myself. I hadn't felt this excited in a long time. A frisson of excitement flowed deliciously down my spine.
I could see the shop clearly now; the black signage replaced with a bright red one, soft lights in the front, small cane chairs with red cushions for people to sit and read books, a tie up with the coffee shop next door, authors coming in for book readings…"
I didn't hear what my prospective groom was saying until he spoke loudly, almost into my face.
"But I am planning to go abroad by the end of this year!"
"All the best! I hope you have a great time there," I smiled at him.
My friends would think I was mad. Relatives would whisper about the poor crazy girl who became a shopkeeper. Prospective bridegrooms would be offended.
My parents would come up with all kinds of objections. It wouldn't matter. I knew that she would be out there living her life as though it was her last day, not knowing how things would turn out but relishing the wonder and mystery of it.
I knew that it was time for my ship to come out of the harbor. I would unfurl the sails weather the storms, take the plunge. Who knows? One day I might even meet another sailor who would make my face light up like million watt bulb and we could embark on a glorious voyage together.