I felt a big lump in my throat. I couldn't hold back the strange feeling. I crossed my legs, hung my head low, and cupped my eyes in the palms of my hands. What could I really say to her?
Even when I was about to be completely abandoned by the world, she'd still be willing to be my eyes and ears? She's even willing to be the only person in the world left by my side who could communicate with me in this darkness? Should I be moved? Of course I should, and I did feel moved; but at the same time, I felt crushing guilt towards the idea of living as a parasite, leaching off of her for the rest of our lives. If I never recovered and stayed like this forever, there would surely come a day where I selfishly asked her to put me out of my misery.
From the bottom of my heart, I didn't want to become someone like that.
"Val, you should stop. You're going too far for me."
I'll be... crushed by your sincerity.
"I'm just doing what I want to do."
I really wanted to see what kind of expression she had on her face right now; but I couldn't, no matter how badly I wished to see it.
"Dio, we should head to work."
I didn't want to go. I felt horrible about having to rely on her for everything, but I still wanted to try and memorize enough so I might be able to acquire some means to rely on myself even when I lost all my senses. Even I recognized I was delusional to think that I could ever rely on myself for anything if I lost all my senses; despite that, I didn't want to be labeled an invalid.
My arm raised up in front of me, and my body was pulled forward. I heard the sound of the door open and knew we were already outside. It was the same void as the previous three days. Nothing had changed. We took the bus again today, however, I spent the majority of the day pulled around by Val as she assisted me with memorizing the layout of the office and the number of steps required to get around from one place to the next.
I was able to practice quite a bit with her assistance and guidance compared to when I tried alone before. We spent a lot of time talking and chatting about random topics like favorite foods, places we'd like to visit, people we found interesting, our dreams, aspirations, and countless other little things. Before I knew it, my shift was over without getting any real work completed again.
I should be fired. I didn't have the ability to work any longer. Val should have realized that by now. I couldn't understand why she was still considerate of my situation when she knew I was just a waste of the company's time and resources.
Val helped me practice getting to and from work. We took several trips back and forth between my apartment and work. Thanks to this, I successfully memorized the bus schedule for the route I was taking. Val said if the schedule changed in the future, she would let me know. She would also let me know whenever twenty-four hours passed so I could recalibrate the internal clock in my head. I was forced to constantly keep track of what time it was from now on, I would no longer be able to rely on the master of time checking, the all-knowing Siri when tomorrow came.
Val really ran me ragged without letting me slack off the entire day. She dragged me from place to place until it was late into the night. When we eventually arrived back at my place, I didn't want to go to sleep. I was terrified of losing everything. I was scared of what the next day held in store for me.
A perpetual state of nothingness, that was the only thing I could imagine the world would become when I woke up next. This was what it truly meant to fear nothing. When one said they feared nothing, what they really meant was they feared the concept of what nothing entailed, not that they had no fear at all.
I couldn't see her, but I could still hear her breathing directly beside me on the bed. By the sound alone, I knew she was facing and looking directly at me.
Tomorrow was the weekend and it was our day off so we didn't have to go into work when we woke up. As such, we continued to talk all through the night until she eventually stopped responding. Initially, I thought the time had come, but I could still hear her breathing, she was actually just asleep.
Normally I'd follow her lead and sleep, but I forcefully kept myself awake. The fear of a new day prevented me from falling asleep.
All throughout the silent night, the only thing I was able to focus on was the sound of her rhythmic breathing in front of me. There was nothing else in this world aside from that. As time went on, my eyes grew heavy, but my mind was still a mess and reluctant to sleep.
…
In the end, I didn't sleep a wink.
"Dio, you're up already?"
"Yeah, I am."
"You can still hear me?"
"Yeah, somehow I can."
"The bags under your eyes look terrible. Did you actually get any sleep?"
"Yeah, I slept."
"You're lying."
"I'm really not."
"You can drop the act. Are you that scared of what the world will become when you wake up next?"
"I…"
"What?"
Of course I'm scared.
"I'm not."
But I couldn't admit it. It felt too embarrassing to admit that to her when she was willing to go so far for me.
"Liar."
"..."
"It's fine if you don't want to admit it, but what do you want to do today then?"
"I don't know."
"How about we go to a karaoke bar?"
"I'm not much of a singer, and I also won't be able to read the lyrics."
"Just pick songs you know the lyrics to. Or you could listen to the song while you're singing. You'll just be a bit offbeat."
"I'd really rather not."
"Before you can't hear, don't you think you should utilize your ability to hear to the fullest?"
"Is karaoke even fun?"
"I don't know. I've never done it either. I've never had the opportunity in the past to enjoy karaoke with what my profession was before I started up my electronics repair business."
"Then why are you suggesting it if you've never tried it?"
"Because I want you to be the first person I try it with."
"I still won't go. It's too embarrassing to be seen at a karaoke bar."
"Embarrassing even when you can't see?"
"I can still hear if people mock me."
"Nobody's going to mock your singing, you're too self-conscious."
"People will definitely mock me."
"Then how about we just do karaoke here with just the two of us?"
"How would that work?"
"There are apps for karaoke obviously."
"Oh. You're right, I didn't think of that."
Like that, we spent the entire day laughing and having a blast singing the day away like two drunken fools. I drank my problems away, but I knew the next time I woke up, instead of a hangover, what would be left of me… the thought truly terrified me. I decided to forget about it for the time being though. Instead, I did as she suggested and enjoyed what could still be enjoyed.
We both sucked at singing so I really didn't feel too bad. She was slightly offbeat, but her voice was pitch-perfect. She might have been humoring me by lowering her standards, or it may have just been the alcohol getting to her. Unlike her, I was against all expectations in time with the songs. I maintained the correct pitch when the vocals were lower, but when it came to high notes… I was an utter joke. You could even say it was a crime against humanity when I tried to hit the high notes.
I could tell she was tearing up whenever I forcefully tried to hit the high notes only to fail horribly. Either the note didn't come out at all, I'd be too high, or I'd just end up reverting an entire octave down after conceding a pitiful vocal defeat.
In spite of the fun we had, no matter how I tried to forget about it, it was always at the back of my mind. For every second that passed, I drew one second closer to losing everything. The more I sang and drank my problems away, the more tired I felt, both mentally and physically despite not feeling it. When the day was over, my eyes were so heavy I could barely focus anymore. Though I still adamantly refused to sleep. I was well aware of what would happen when I did.