I'm not sure of my birthday. You see I was left on the steps of a church with a note saying sorry. Thankfully some kind passerby took me to a police station and from there to Lewisham Orphanage for boys.
Even from the start, God wasn't there for me.
One of the nurses at the orphanage named me Tom Green on account of when she saw me in the nursery, she could see green trees outside the window.
My early years are a blur of strangers and care homes. Of abuse and loneliness. It felt like I was wondering through a dark forest that smelt of bleach and potatoes. When I turned 16, I did the only logical thing that the poor do.
I joined the army.
It was a hard life being a soldier. But it was filled with truth. Clean your gun or it will blow up in your hands. Someone gives you lip, punch them in the face and they won't do it again. For the first time I started to feel happy.
I made some good friends there. One was called Raff; his real name was Raphael Maxime Alessandro. He was 5 foot 2 inches and full of fire. Even if his great grandfather did come from Italy. A true hard knuckled cockney.
We were inseparable. We once got so blind drunk that we did a bet that the first one to bring a woman back to the mess hall for a dance would win a bottle of whiskey.
We both left and went into town. I came back 55 minutes later with a woman called Sally. As we neared the mess hall, we could hear screaming from inside.
I burst in to find Raff dancing with the Major's dog, a female Labrador called Misty. He had broken its neck so he could hold it up.
The Major had to be held down when he saw Raff. He had pulled his gun on him and fired.
They stuck him in a cell for 6 weeks. An 8 by 8 hole with a sliding iron door. He got fed once a day. He came out after the 6 weeks like it was 6 minutes.
But he did keep his distance from the Major from then on. He was stupid but not that stupid.
Then one cold October morning our commanding Officer said the magic words. "We're at war lads." And before we knew it, we were over in France killing the Nazis.
Of course, me and Raff ignored all orders and became a two-man army who's only target was Berlin. We really were that crazy back then.
We soon hooked up with another crazy, a one-eyed Frenchman called Leon. Who like us, wanted to kill every damn Nazi they could lay their hands on.
He was one of the deadliest men I ever knew. It was hard to believe that before the war he raised cows.
Before long, our little group grew. A renegade G.I. called James McCullers or Jimmy as he liked to be called, joined us. He was a beat cop from Brooklyn and was deadly with a rifle. I never saw him miss.
The last one to join was the strangest of all. We had been running hit-and-run missions along the German border for a few weeks when Jimmy saw a strange sight through his binoculars.
Not 100 yards away was a group of Nazis about to hang their commanding officer from a tree. Leon was fluent in German so he gave us the low down.
"They say he is on the side of the allies. That he doesn't believe in the war."
The officer screamed out in English as they put a noose around his neck. "You damn fools! Hitler will burn Germany down. Hang me, I'd rather die than belong to this murderous army anymore."
We all looked at each other. "He'd come in handy for sure." I said. Leon and Raff agreed. I looked at Jimmy who was already getting his rifle ready.
One of his men tightened the noose around his neck and pushed him off the chair he was stood on. Jimmy let loose, with six shots all the Germans fell to the floor, each with a bullet hole in their head.
The officer swung and choked; his eyes bulged as he looked at his dead men. I shouted. "Jimmy." He gave a grunt. "He's swinging around for crying out loud." He then fell silent and pulled the trigger. The Officer fell to the floor and coughed madly.
We rushed over and cut him loose. He spied us closely then burst out laughing and said. "You are that mad group. We call you the four musketeers."
He got up slowly and coughed some more. "Thank you for saving my life."
"Why did your men try and hang you?" I asked.
"Because it was me who held back the order to kill you all." He said. "The army wanted to flood this area with 10,000 men but I said I had killed you all. My men found out what I did and well the rest you know."
He looked at us all. "You are a thorn in the side of the army. A rag tag group that inspires the French people to fight back. Believe I am no fan of that Austrian fool. His insane plans will destroy Germany."
"What's your name?" Leon said.
He gave a firm salute and replied. "Captain Hans Gruber Klein."
"You wanna help us destroy Hitler?" I said.
His eyes blazed with emotion. "What do you call yourselves?"
Raff gave a laugh. "How about the Dirty Desperadoes."
Captain Hans Gruber Klein smiled. "I will join you so I can end this madness the Germany people are under."
And that was how the Dirty Desperadoes came into being. That night we all got drunk on cheap Spanish wine and the call to adventure.
Life for us all right then seemed perfect.