Smoldering ash carried through the air like a lifeless plummeting snowfall; a phantom amongst the engulfing flames that grew at alarming speeds, ferociously winding and wrapping their way throughout the valley. I ran harder than I'd ever had to run, desperately trying to escape the clutches of the black beasts hunting me. I'd never known such fear until they pursued me through the fiery limbo that the forest had become. Every path I came across was reshaped by the barricading walls of towering flames or fallen trees uprooted from the earth; the heat scorched their roots to blackened charcoal. The fire sought to devour everything in its path, and I feared for my life. If the fire had not claimed me with intentions to scorch me alive, then the black beasts chasing me down would certainly not show such mercy. There existed something horrifically wicked behind their eyes that made me fear them more than the voracious fire. Brief flickers of brilliant flames swayed over dark pools of crimson blood encircling the blackness of its pupils each time I dared to glance back.
So very, very wicked...
I kept on running.
Dying branches from their mother trees were dropping from above, falling with striking orange flames bound to their twisted bodies. Birds were dropping from the sky for not even they could escape the burning black smoke that filled their lungs. A small group of grey hides, separated from their herd, fled in panic. One after another they leaped over waves of grasping flames with no sense of direction as fear overtook them in erratic movements. Terror flashed in the eyes of two yearling spikes who'd been left behind as another tree crashes down into the ground before them. Fire latches onto the hide of one whose petrified screams fill the air while the other is caught head-on by smoldering ash that clung to his face leaving his flesh burning. Their screams abruptly died beneath the roar of the fire as I watch their bodies helplessly tumble over to the ground. Suddenly an explosion of heated ash and flames ruptured from the base of a tree before it collapsed right in front of me. The collision shook every bone to my core with the flash blindsiding me. Speckles of hot ash hit the side of my face and If I hadn't stopped as short as I did, I don't think I would have made it.
Just barely I heard its ragged breathing over the shrieking cries of the dying forest. I turned around; only one of the two had managed to keep up with me, and I froze in place knowing this was the end. I had nowhere else to run. Fire enclosed me in a violent cage, and in front of me, the black beast stood blocking my only chance of escape. The unbearable heat crept through the earth until I felt it burn at my already tender paws. I should have moved, but I didn't have the strength to keep going. All I could do was stumble onto the ground and let the pain hurt me from the inside out. The black beast appeared to stumble as well as he huffed harder each time he sought to breathe while stepping toward me. His lips were parted into a weak snarl, but he had more than enough energy to end me before the fire could kill him. I took one final glance into the eyes of burning crimson before closing them forever and accepting my fate. The snaps, crackling, and pops from fire licking away at the forest held me close in my final moments. Fear receded as I blocked it all out. The pain was too much to struggle any longer. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted it to stop.
Suddenly the sound of a menacing roar jolted me back to the living as my eyes caught sight of a fiery angle leaping over the flames, and with her body came crashing down upon the black beast, like roaring thunder. He slammed into the earth right as her teeth sunk into his throat as smoothly as a viper's fangs and recoiled back just as quickly. Not a second later I was in her jaws being carried swiftly as flashes of fire passed by my gaze. I coughed hard while the rest of me dangled from her maw, sore and tender. Soon we reached a river where life still clung to the soil in darkness on the other side. I felt the burning in my chest lessen slightly as clean air filled my lungs, but it also made me cough that much harder. Immediately she plodded into the water, and a rush of icy water sends a shockwave through the nerve ends all over my body. The contact was exhilarating, and I found myself more alert than lifeless. She ran alongside the riverbed for a brief time before crossing. The full impact of the water splashed against us, and I felt more of its chilling touch against my body. For a second my head dips beneath the water unexpectedly before resurfacing. I cough hard again, heaving up the water that tried to drown me, leaving my chest sore and every intake of a breath painful. Everything became darker the further she swam away from the fire until she reached the unscathed end of the forest. It was silent here, all but the trees burning in the distance along with the river. But I didn't hear anything else. No birds, no animals. It was just the silence here. I had no idea where we were or how far we have traveled to get here.
Finally, she stopped moving along the water's edge and placed me inside a washed-up log beside the shore. It smelled of pond water and saturated rotting timber. Her voice was low against my ears, but sharpened in tone, as she demanded that I stay put and not make a sound until she had returned with my brother and sister. As she turned to leave, I called for her, begging her to stay, but she couldn't hear me. I kept calling for her repeatedly until the fire died out, and all went dark.
I jolt awake as a wave of panic bursts through me like a lightning strike. I can feel the pounding of my heart beating like an echo throughout my body, centering over my chest in a tightening fist. I swallow back a gasp as I lean over the edge of my bed, clawing at the skin between my breasts raw. My dress is drenched from the night sweats and the thin fabric is sticking to me like a second skin, smothering me in a way that makes me panic more. I cannot stand it. The feeling is unbearable. I pull at the wrinkled straps until my arms are through before dragging the rest of the fabric down past my legs, letting it fall to the floor along with the pair of underwear that is soiled. The memory of the dream is still fresh in my mind as echoes of my voice screaming out for the tigress of my nightmare disturb me. I hold my head, pulling at the stems of my hair as a distraction, but the screams echo hauntingly without signs of stopping. It sends shivers all over my hot skin, and I shut my eyes tightly trying to block them all out.
"Please go away..." I beg so lowly I doubt even the night would ever hear my plead. I just want the bad dreams to stop. I'd do anything to make them stop, anything, and I've tried so much. Eventually, I find myself staring across the room where another bed rests against the stone walls. I stare at her until the dream gradually becomes distant.
I wish she would wake up right now. I need her to be awake, but I know she'll sleep until dawn like always, and I can't bring myself to wake her. I'm not a child anymore, and she isn't my mother. Still, I continue staring in wait, hoping she'll open her eyes any moment and see the tears in mine. But the room is still dark, as the candles had burned out hours ago. A few stray thoughts nearly entice me out of my bed only to crawl into hers, and then I remember the state I'm in. I suppress the thoughts quickly and instead leave the Stoneden with a clean cloak in hand.
I walk alongside the wooden fence that extends from the opening of the Stoneden, already smothered by flowering vines. There used to be a door here until a storm from the sea nearly tore the poor thing from its hinges. That was nearly a week and a half ago and the door that rests propped up against the stone wall awaiting to be fixed. I squeeze the bundled-up cloak against my chest and scurry around to the back of the Stoneden. I grab a bucket from the well and while using the chilly water to clean myself, I take a look out into the starlit sky. The air is cool tonight, and I think about leaping over the edge of the island. The wind against my skin would certainly distract me from the nightmare and the feeling would put me at ease. And I could use the thrill. Wrapping the cloak around myself after finishing rinsing off, I set my sights on the far end of our island and smile softly in wonder if the young Difabo feels the same about taking off. I can't sleep anyway, and I doubt he's feeling drained. I leave the bucket by the well and head down the island.
After sneaking past the West Watchtower, I seek comfort in the stables near the south end of our island, finding Fen shifting about, just as restless as me. He thrusts his head up over the wooden gate, with long elegant ears focusing on me. By now I've understood the excitement swirling in those brilliant eyes each time I entered his space. It made me smile knowing we enjoyed each other's company. The warmth of the stables accompanied by the smell of hay, manure, and salted fish is oddly calming. Even Fen's scent brings me comfort.
As always, I ask, "Can't sleep either, huh?"
He is solidly still; an authentic sculpture made of feathery stone as I approach his pen, his gaze never leaving mine even as I place my hand on the lever connecting to the gate.
"Would you fly with me tonight?", I ask again in a quiet tone.
His sharp talons claw at the door to his pen pleadingly. The sound he makes is a mixture of cooing and whining as he bobs his head, and I cannot help but smile at his anxious response. I reach my hand out to steady him once more, kneading the soft patch of feathers between his crown before whispering, "Alright beautiful boy. Come on."
Upon pulling the lever to the gate, I move aside just in time to see Fen make haste toward the opening. Hay scatters in his wake. His large wings ruffle as he puffs them happily waiting for me to join him. I let out a little laugh before letting the cloak drop to my feet and shifting down to all fours, following after him outside. There's a warm wind that eases its way into my fur, leaving the scent of the sea entangled with my own. I find the scent relieving as it grounds me to my senses and I'm finally able to breathe.
Feeling the earth in every paw step, I race Fen down to the cliffside of the island and we take flight over the sea. The first jump always causes my heart to leap along with me, and brilliant thrill blossoms through my body like a cool rush of water as our wings carry us into the night sky. But we don't stop there. Our little competition takes us soaring through a thin patch of clouds, descending to touch the waters, and jetting through the tunnels and caverns beneath the floating islands, never to steady or wipe out. Each sharp turn, twist, and drop feels exhilarating especially alongside him. It leaves no room for troublesome thoughts. I feel free without that suppressing weight, and I'm sure he feels it too.
Eventually, we fall into a steady rhythm of gliding high up, higher than I can recall ever flying. The color of the moonlight reflecting off of Fen's pale feathered completion is mesmerizing, almost ghostlike against the black starlit horizon. There's a memory of sorts I can feel stirring in the back of my mind like a ripple, but it quickly plummets to the far reaches of my senses, leaving me puzzled. I try reaching for it again, but like the nightmares, whatever the memory was, it's gone now.
A bright light flashes from the Watchtower on our island, blinking a message I've come to understand well. I can't say I forgot about the towers, because I knew they would be watching as they always do, and I've grown not to care much during these hours of the night. A foolish behavior according to Aslan, which I've yet to take time to mend. I've never been the best listener, nor have I ever been known to follow requirements set forth by the council. It's a wonder I haven't been sent back to the mainland to fend for myself. Still, I regard the message and convince Fen to follow me back down to the stables. As we land, Fen gives it his all to stagger over to the entrance of the stables. I know he doesn't want to be put to bed just yet, and if I had it my way we would be left alone to fly amongst the stars all night until dawn. For now, I gently nudge him back into his pen without further complaint. I shift forms after to pull the lever down over the gate before covering up with the cloak. Looking back at Fen, I find him eyeing me with his head resting cocked against the gate. A slight grumble pushes up from his throat that turns into a little toon. He's whistling again.
I offer a small smile, "don't fuss now, I'll come back again come nightfall to fly with you." He coos softly and leans to get closer. Scratching under his cheek, I whisper my farewell, making sure to kiss the center of his forehead before heading back outside. I head back up the island on foot towards the gloom of broad-leafed trees huddling over the Stoneden, swaying their branches overhead as the wind carries over from the sea. While passing the Watchtower, I glimpse up at the single silhouette standing behind the railing watching me. They're shadowed over by the light, but I have a strong guess on who it is. Turning away I head straight through the brush following along the wooden fence of vines until I am back inside familiar stone walls. Nothing is lit and my companion is still deep in her slumber. A strange sense of loneliness seeps in as I take a long look around the room. A thought crosses my mind making me feel guilty for ever thinking it. But it's as true as the loneliness in my heart. I don't feel at home here, not like I had felt near Fen when I first entered the stables. I look back at my companion who shares this place with me and frown. I do not join her, despite this feeling, as sleep seems incredibly far from my reach, and a peaceful slumber impossible to grasp. I sigh and walk around the wooden wall to my bed before pausing.
Remembering the bedsheets and my soiled clothes, I steer past them to the window and sit along the stack of a few crates after covering them with a few layers of blankets for comfort. I don't bother getting dressed, as immodest as that may be. I still don't care about wearing clothing. It's restraining. My pelt at least leaves me feeling whole without limitation. In this form though, this human skin, I feel at times strange. I don't think I'll ever be used to it. Aslan told me everything gets easier with time, but it feels like time itself is standing still for me. I sink against the wall with a low sigh. I feel more awake than I did the other night staring up at a quiet sky.
The room becomes less dark as the hours pass slowly. Shadows still linger, but it's only so close to dawn that I can hear the sea birds cooing, and the breeze picking up. The distant sound of the waves echoing deep below puts my mind somewhat at ease. I keep my head propped up against the stone wall along with my side, relaxing against the dull coldness as I wait for the light of the sun to blaze through the open window and take with it every fear that suffocates me during the night. The cool breeze picks up again leaving gooseflesh to rise over my skin, but I don't bother finding another blanket to cover up with. Even as a shiver evades me leaving my teeth to chatter, the cool air clears my head. With no one else awake to see my face, I don't bother wiping away the tears either. I hold myself tightly against the wall and close my eyes for the first time in hours, murmuring silent prayers until the memories become too distant to recognize. But I know they'll return whenever I fall back to sleep. Even after I speak them aloud I still feel uneasy, most times even lost. I keep thinking about the faces of those from my nightmare, especially from the tigress hiding me away in that log. It hurts every time the thoughts come flooding back in, and I can't help but cry. It feels like I know her, but every time I try to look further into the dream, everything darkens all around me leaving only the screaming and the fire. I suddenly take notice of my head throbbing to which my voiceless crying does nothing to help. So, as a last resort, I light the candlewick from my nightstand and place it on the window after shutting it. It's a little trick our Island's healer had shown me. She told me it would help steady my mind when my head got too overwhelmed to think straight. And so far, it's helped. So, I stare into the flame wearing its way down the wax until I start to feel my mind go blank.
Eventually, I find myself in a dark space. I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or hallucinating at this point, but then I feel soft hands grab hold of me. In my mind, I turn my head when really I hadn't. It's strange just as the voice I'm hearing isn't all that clear. I feel the hand again on my arm, but now I cannot move, and my eyes won't open. I feel them shaking me, but I can't tell if I'm laying down or floating. It takes me a few moments to realize what's happening. A heaving weight pins me down faster than any stone plummeting into a lake and the feeling of being paralyzed all over again springs back a familiar fear in me. Suddenly our healer's warning echoes from every faraway place, but it's already too late. Fear is still in my throat. My only response comes out slurred and drowsy. It is barely a mumble, but she hears me.
I feel the claws first bite gently on my skin as her hand-sized paw squeeze over my arm. I imagine the concern on her face from how she's holding me. I feel her warmth as she leans close, her breath hot against my ear and her words distant in my head just like the healers, "I know you are awake. Your mind is with you, but your body is not. You need to struggle and fight to return to your body. I am right here." But I feel so far away, adrift in the blackness I can't seem to escape from. Sinking further and drowning in nothingness.
Her words do little to hold back the fear, but I don't avoid her words. If anything, they're the only thing I cling to. I take heed to her voice to hold back from drowning. The pressure feels genuine as if I am sinking to the bottom of the ocean. A deadweight pulling me down...down...down.
"Wiggle your toes and fingers, and fight to move your legs and arms. Shake your head if you come to that point. Shake it off like a weighted blanket."
I do as she says, fighting with every nerve of my being. Slowly, but sure enough, I begin to gain control over my fingers again, then my hands, squeezing them into fists until I'm able to move the rest of my body and suddenly I feel incredibly stiff, especially around my neck and lower back. My heart is racing in my chest as I open my eyes to find her standing over me. I already feel I could pass out at any moment. I feel her grasp on my arms tighten before realizing why. I'm trembling.
"Come here, little Cry." She leans in even closer and brings me into a tight hug. She whispers in my ear, "You really should talk with Shema about this. It's getting worse, isn't it?" Little Cry. The last time I heard her call me that I was barely thirteen. I cried a lot in those first years since I was brought to the floating islands, mostly because of the nightmares that still haven't gone away. Other times I just cry over silly things that shouldn't even matter. I feel like a burden to everyone around me more often now than when I was young. I wonder if this feeling ever leaves.
"Crystal?" Polar's voice snaps me out of my thoughts, but I can't find the words to respond. "Don't worry about your bedding, I'll clean it up," she says softly. I look down at the candlewick suddenly with a sense if shame. I try to focus on the candle instead, seeing how low the wax is before the fire had died out. It's no longer liquid, indicating it died over an hour ago or longer. Despite our closeness in age, Polar acts a lot older than she looks. I feel guilty for not doing better since we were both brought here together on the same night. I have vague memories of the state they found her in, but I remember her recovery was slow. She still hasn't spoken about that night. I do wonder though, if she still has nightmares as terrible as mine or if she remembers more than I do. I stare out the window in a shared silence until the sunlight bleeds through the blinds erasing any despair that still clung to the shadows of the Stoneden.
"Come on, you should get cleaned up," she says softly and goes to stand. Her paws pat me on the back gently as if I were still a child. As comforting as her gesture is, I keep feeling oddly out of place. At the same time, though, I never want this moment to end. It feels selfish and cruel. As she goes to stand, I feel the sudden urge to sob again and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's become instinct. A bad habit rooted in a terrible past I can barely recall. This twisting knot in my stomach is surely not helping.
Awkwardly I reach out for her hand but stop myself short, "...Polar?" She stops short to look at me.
"Hmm?" Her bright eyes look almost sad when they meet mine, making me choke on my next words,
"I...do I have to go outside today? I don't mind cleaning up in here or doing any of your chores."
She half-smiles and the sadness in her eyes seemingly melts away, "I appreciate you offering to do my chores Cry, but Aslan sent word for you an hour ago. He wishes to speak with you as soon as you were awake. I let you have your time to gather yourself, but now we must start the day."
"Couldn't it wait until a little later? Or maybe we can have him come here. He's done that before."
"Cry, this is important. He wants to see you at the White Birch."
At the Heart Island? That's where they hold the council to discuss matters of most importance. I used to spend a lot of time with Aslan deep beneath the Birch's roots learning about diverse cultures and mostly watching him work. I remember sneaking into those council meetings in the main hall, staying hidden underneath one of the tables nearest to the stairs with a sheet draped over it. They would discuss lots of things, whether it was rations, changing patrol routs, assigning shifts, storm watch, or serious illnesses, I stayed put and listened. The one and last time I snuck into a meeting, I ended up falling asleep and waking up in tears in Aslan's arms as he carried me back to bed. He held me close until I called down. He did scorn me though for displaying him, but he wasn't entirely mad either. I remember the words he told me that night that changed my view of him entirely. He told me that if I were going to eavesdrop as a shadow then he should never have to find me asleep underneath a table. It puzzled me because I couldn't tell if he was being serious. Other than that, he's never once asked me to be a part of those meetings and I've stopped sneaking in to listen to them. And the subject hasn't been brought up since. So why would he want to speak with me there? It couldn't be about last night, could it? No, I've flown with Fen for many nights before so why would it matter to him now?
Polar motions for me to stand, "Go on and clean up and make sure to get dressed. Your clean clothes are in the back."
"Right...thank you, Polar." Weakly I climb down from the crates with a blanket wrapped firmly around my torso as I step into the back section of the Stoneden where a small mirror lies hanging on a hook over a bowl with fresh well water. She must have already filled it for me. Against the wall parallel to the mirror is a chest with sets of clean clothes Polar had mentioned. I sink down to my knees dig through them. I pull out a few simple dresses that are soft to the touch and light enough to feel comfortable in. As I pick out something to wear, I hear Polar moving about as she gathers clothes and bedding to wash.
"Hey Polar? Do you know why he wants to talk to me?"
"He wasn't particularly clear on the why part, but he's been a bit stressed lately. More than usual it would seem."
I breathe a sigh of relief before jokingly commenting, "Stressed, huh? I wonder if it's Knox's boys up to no good again."
"Those two are always getting themselves into trouble," she sighs aloud, "It's a wonder they haven't flown off the edge of the world yet."
"Oh, I'm sure that moment will come," I remark.
"But no, I don't think it's Knox's boys that are the problem here." I hear her set a basket down making me curious, "They don't make him this uneasy."
I shift forms after a moment of thinking and grab the satchel holding my clean clothes. I step out where Polar is waiting and set the satchel down, "What makes you think that?"
Her eyes flicker over now noticing me and I swear I see something strange, a facial expression I cannot recall ever seeing shown on her face. Then it's gone and she shakes her head, "All I know is that he's been with the council all morning all but his brother who's been standing outside. Leodore was vague about the topic, but he did inform me that a Mainlander had come to the island."
"The Mainland?" My ears perk up in interest at the thought of meeting someone new from the Mainland. It's been years since Polar and I were brought here by Aslan, and we haven't had anyone else come here since.
"Is it someone like us do you think? You know, who's been abandoned..."
Polar's eyes are low, and it takes her a second longer to answer, "I don't think so. From what Leodore had said, it's most likely a tradesman or someone of the sort." A strange silence passes between us, one that I cannot recall ever happening. Usually, Polar is fluent with all sorts of topics and is also the one who gets me to laugh or at least smile. Maybe I'm becoming more of a burden to her than I realize...
"We weren't abandoned, you know," she finally says, throwing me off.
I don't know what to say so I nod and keep my head down.
"Sylvestris is here too, so you know." I smile at that, a genuine one at least. She always brings me gifts from her travels, and I've got quite the collection growing on my bookshelf. I've also got a miniature chest I keep underneath one of the loose boards under my bed where I keep my favorite gifts from her. The thought somewhat eases the tension in the room which I am thankful for.
"Do you mind if I take Fen out today and let him stretch his wings? I don't think he likes being in closed spaces for very long." I ask, changing the subject. I hate to hold her up, but I enjoy Fen's company.
"Later. I need him this morning to fill in for Jonna. She's ill and Maven can't fly the route on his lonesome."
"Is she going to be, ok?"
"Once Leodore is able to, he and a few of us will be heading out as soon as I get back. We're going to gather more supplies, but she'll be alright until we return. Athena will take my shift tonight so you can tend to Fen when I'm home." She goes to open the door, but this time I don't keep her. I only nod in understanding and grab hold of my satchel.
"Remember to talk with Shema about the death sleep. No more pushing the matter aside, Cry. It's starting to scare me."
That's the last thing I want. I'm scaring myself too, but I can't keep doing this to her. I see how much of a burden I've become even if she doesn't show it. I know it's been bothering her. Maybe that's what Aslan wants to talk to me about. As if today could have started any better...
The door shuts and I'm left to ponder my thoughts in silence. I hesitate a bit longer, letting the stillness linger on before pushing myself to leave.
As I head towards the drop-off from our den, I contemplate seeing Shema first rather than having to speak with Aslan. Both conversations seem impossible to avoid now. Confront them both in one day makes me want to turn back, but Polar is right. I can't avoid talking with Shema about the death sleep forever. After Aslan, I'll speak with her about it during my lessons.
I take a single step forward, leaving a paw to rest at the edge of the cliff. Peering down into the sea and rocks below, I try to gather myself while I unravel my wings and stretch them out. Considering how far the Heart Island is, the updraft from this high up would easily carry me to either one of them. It's only a matter of choice, and for that do I even have one? The updraft is strong today, and the air feels heavier than normal, but that could just be the magnetic field. Or is the weight in my chest getting heavier? I take a deep breath before leaping over the edge.