- You'll have to deal with this yourself. I can't make it blow over like the others. They are too invested in this case.
"Should I admit that I'm guilty?"
- To vehicular homicide? Just listen to your lawyer. Or do whatever you want. I can handle the rest.
[It] seemed tired.
"I'm sorry," I apologized. "I've made more work for you."
- No, it's not your fault. You hold the biggest burden. Just remember that you aren't the only one carrying it. And that you are allowed to choose an easier way.
I disagreed with most of that, but I held my tongue.
"Will they forget?" I asked instead.
- They will remember. Not you, but they will remember.
"Then we'll have to remember the rest for them."
[It] didn't say anything, but I think it agreed.
...
- Can I ask why you did it?
"What?" I looked around the courtroom, but no one seemed to be paying any attention to me.
- They won't notice.
"Oh. That's good." I begin to ponder the question.
Why did I do it?
"I don't know how to put it into words," I finally admit.
[It] asks a different question.
- Have you heard of the term 'utilitarianism'?
"No. Explain it to me."
- Perhaps you have heard of 'the ends justify the means'?
"That one sounds familiar."
- They're somewhat related. 'Utilitarianism' is the belief that an action is considered to be 'right' or 'wrong' depending on its consequences. So no matter what method you use, as long as the results are good, your actions are justified.
"That's an interesting theory."
- There are a few different branches of the theory, but many believe that every action should try to maximize happiness for the maximum number of people.
- It's like a numbers game.
- To hurt one and help two others.
- To ignore the voice of a few and cater to the voices of many.
- To sacrifice 999 in order to save 1000.
- As long as a move has a net positive outcome, it is correct.
- As long as what you do is for the greater good, it is correct.
- That is what 'utilitarianism' is.
I take a moment to process what [It] said. The words resonated within me. To sacrifice a few in favor of many. To give a value to a human life. That is what I have been doing. But, there was something slightly different.
"You think I am one of those believers?"
- I used to think so. But given a choice between killing one to save many and killing three to save the same amount, you should have picked the one if you were utilitarian. So now I am not so sure.
"Even you can be wrong sometimes. Ah, wait, I already knew that."
- Then what do you believe?
My gaze wanders around the courtroom, finally landing on a group of familiar faces. They look angry, sorrowful, and determined.
"I believe that murder is wrong no matter what."
- Then why do you commit murder?
"Because to watch and let someone die is no different from murder."
- So you do weigh the number of lives.
"Yes, I do. The damn trolley problem. Killing one is better than killing five. I would pull the lever."
- Some would argue that it's not your fault if you let the trolley run its course.
"Bullshit." I snorted. "To watch as people die when you can do something to prevent it. Anyone who believes they aren't guilty if they do that is a hypocrital cowardly bastard."
- I see. That's a valid belief. But now, are you able to explain? Why three instead of one?
I hesitate. "That was... just a feeling I had."
- A feeling?
Once more, I turn to look at the faces of those who have had someone precious to them taken away. "Yeah. A feeling. That if I didn't take the three, then eventually I wouldn't even be able to take the one."
- And if you can't take the one.
"Then I would be killing a thousand."
- Perhaps you are still a utilitarian.
"Perhaps. But I know my actions are wrong. Even if I'm playing the numbers game, I won't pretend that what I'm doing is good. I just choose the evil that suits me most."
- You have a third choice.
"A third shitty choice, you mean."
- You can stop whenever you wish.
"That's not any better. It's just voluntary ignorance."
- It will be easier.
"You don't need to keep reminding me."
- You need to keep remembering.
"I'll stop when there's nothing more I can do."
- And what then?
"I'll live. And try to find some way to atone. I'll never be forgiven, but perhaps I could be... acquitted? Is that it?"
- I don't believe that is the correct word, but that might be as close as it gets.
...
"Vehicular manslaughter." I almost smiled. "A bit different from homicide."
- Would you have preferred to be sentenced for homicide?
"I don't know about prefer, but it would have been more accurate."
- Not everyone gets the most accurate sentence.
"I know."
I look around as I wait to be transported.
"Got any cigarettes?" I ask offhandedly.
- Your vow?
"I didn't forget. I just heard that cigarettes are precious currency in prison."
- You don't have to serve your sentence.
"You're right. I don't. But I think I will."
...
"I'm bored."
- That's common in solitary confinement.
"It's not my fault they tried to beat me up.
- But it is your fault for beating them. And the guards.
"You have a point there."
I lay down at the floor and began to trace the cracks in the ceiling with my eyes.
"Do you remember what I said about you being a hallucination?"
- I remember.
"It's kind of scary."
It was the scariest idea I had ever thought of.
It sprouted in my mind after I killed 15. 15, who had Eighth-grader Syndrome, or Chuunibyou. He was actually in eighth grade, so it might not have been too surprising.
15 believed with all his heart that he had magical powers sealed within him, and when the darkness came, he, the chosen hero, would be the one to save the world.
He wasn't too far off actually. He was just in the wrong world.
Unless I was mistaken about everything.
What if I was just another chuuni fool, but worse. A fool with a magical partner. A fool who managed to kill 26 people before getting caught, and even then was only sentenced to one year in prison.
A dangerous fool.
"Hey," I call out to [It].
- Yes?
"There's no proof, is there? Of the people that I killed being reincarnated in other worlds as heroes?"
- No, there isn't.
"How can we know if it's true?"
- We cannot.
"Then, supposing it is true, how do we know if the people in those worlds are good?"
- We do not know.
"What if they're evil?"
- That may be possible.
"What if saving a thousand would kill a million?"
- It can happen.
"Then... What am I supposed to do?"
[It] didn't respond immediately.
- Atone for your sins. And work to get... acquitted... is probably your best course of action.
The ceiling is grey and dull. I see all of my fears dancing on it. I close my eyes to shut the images out of my sight.
"... I think you're right this time."