We were together again with papa. we were separated, I'd wished and prayed for this every day. People always think when a wish comes true everything will be perfect: it never is. Mother Tessie , Father Rudy, big brother Raniel, Five sister Gerlie, Bibian, shelgen, Joy and I Mary grace had waited a whole year in zambongga for Papa to send for us. Noned of us realized it would make take so long. In fact when we finally did see papa again, Joy2x didn't recognize him. She was only Two year old whe Father left Malaysia in secret, escaping the war. On the ship to zambongga everybody had a story to tell. Most people were fleeing from others country because as they said, war was in the wind. mother told our story again and again during that rough sea voyage, as if by telling it she could at last realize we were on the way to freedom. I thought continually about Zambonga. how it would be to live there. On the ship we saw American movies, with brightly dressed people living in a beautiful houses. People sang a lot in those movies, and danced, playing happily with thier relatives and friends. I dreamed of dancing, Playing outside and watched movies too in zambongga. But no I can't do that. at the dock father kissed us all, and it was so exciting! father was wearing a woolen suit and a hat.. He said some words to the bus driver in English. How we marveled! Father was so Spanish, Amirican and Pilipino! We though he must be rich. I expectes to see a pretty white house with a red-tile roof, grass out front, and a weather vane. But when I saw the apartment/house, I could hardly believe it. The place smelled of grease and green soap and stray cats. the stairs were treacherously uneven. Mother said we were never to loiter in the dark halls. the streets echoed with the noise of peddlers and screaming housewives, clattering carts, and huge trucks with their harsh horns. Ragged underclothes flapped on lines strung between the apartment:, refuse from rusty cans burst out onto the alleyways, where little kids played and the older boy hung around, acting tough. Joy was too young to be out on the street alone because she is only 2 yrs old Raniel couldn't be bothered with Joy, So she became my shadow. strange how suddenly we had become poor. And it seemed I was the only one who really minded. but not totally minded because I was 6 yrs old at the time. I vowed, somehow to make things better for myself and my family. because I love my family. I began by doing little played, jobs singing, and dancing in the barangays. I took out the trash of Mrs Zhnotnic and plunked a dime a week into my a little accnt in bank. mother was made as account in each children in the bank. which was an empty glass jar, carefully sealed and slotted on top.
I baby joy sat for the morellis for twenty cents an hour. I saved my money, and On Sundays I took Joy2x, shelgen and Bibian on the bus and dragged her beside me along fifth Ave, where we peered into shop windows and dreamed. When I caught glimpses of myself in the large plate glass windows, I was startled. In my imagination I was a fine lady to the furrier's or the jewelry store with her lovely little girl. In the window I saw my self as a thin ten year old girl wearing a red with dark blue bear drawing in my coat, in a cute coat, but a lonely and miserable, and feeling guilty too, beacuse I wasn't satisfied. I longed for the pretty things in the shop windows. I longed for some gentle, interesting friends. My only friend was Jen Caps, who lived a block away in a apartment just like ours. Jen walked to school with us, and sometimes she came over. But, really, she wasn't any fun. There were a thousand things she wasn't allowed to do, because her Family was so religious. Father said they were a "little crazy- so from they hardly dared to breathe the air.'' fromm German word that means 'holy' " We used a lot of German words:', English stuck on our Tougues. For the first few months we had no furniture except beds. Father found orange crates somewhere, with the faded labels still on them. I remember one of them, a picture in the garden of my grand mother catalina, was blue sky and in the foreground. a lovely flowers around in the garden, a lovely young womans and man with all green, holding an armful of blossom. Cap Oranges! said the sticker, and the young woman smiled in the sunshine. We made seats of the orange crates, using an old card table given to us by a Jewish lady Father had met, Mrs Jaspe. Mrs Jaspe had helped father get the visa so he could send for us. She was like a queen in our home. Mother and Father would hear nothing against her. though she had her peculiarities, like everyone else. Mrs. jaspe never stopped talking. It was like diarrhea in the mouth, Father said,but privately, to me only. I don't know where Mrs. Jaspe got the things she bought us, but we'd hear her panting up the stairs, then a thump and knock, then a large carton would be pushed into the room, and she would begin, My Dears, have alook at this' " . We would gather around the box, breathless and waiting. My mother would open it and out would come things like blankets, pillows, clothes, shoes, sandals, kitchen wares, vase and all cast-off and dingy, but to us priceless. After we'd been in Us for a couple of a months, Mrs jaspe brought the card table. there was a hole in the top:, you could see several layers of gray felt down to the metal. One leg bent sideways, so that the table leaned. " 'It doesn't matter,"Mother said, midly " '" We're together. that's what a count.' "
The clothes smiled funny, We washed them but they still look wrong . I had three dresses, one a blue, white, and pink . stripped dress with a black patent-leather belt. This was my favorite, and I wore it to school three days in a week, alternating it with a beige wool dress, but i have also a uniform of school. the clothes hung on me strangely. Luckily I pinned it to my dress, somethimes I wore it in my hair. I longed to be fifteen year old, like Bibian or even fourteen. By then I hoped. my hair would have found its true color, a rich auburn. Noa it was an indistinct pale brown/black. My face was covered smooth and white, and with brown eyes, my hieght is smaller, im not tall but cute woman soon. hehheheh. funny. I see my self that Im ugliest girl in the entire world. The artificial rose made me feel, if not pretty, at least grand.
The first semester in Bohol Bibian and I took a special English class for an hour each day during school. After that, we were on our own. Bibian made great strides:, she had already studied in English in Cebu and Mindanao. but for me, it was very hard. I tried to be like the other kids, laughing, and making plans. I didn't feel excited, the way the other kids seemed to.: besides, I always had to get home to take care of my Joy. The strage cateferia food made me sick-chili, beets. and corn dogs. It seemed that I could never fit in, except at home with father and mother, the food they prepared so delicious. Father and I were alike:, he loved nice things, love to cooked, too and like me, hs was a dreamer. I made him laugh with my monkey faces, jokes and impersonations. Sometimes I danced and sing for him and he applauded, Bravo!' "He said ' someday you will be a famous dancer or singer all over the world.! Then, will you take care of your old father?? Mother shook her head asshe padded around from kitchen to table in her old felt slippers. I knew she qas thinking that I ought to have dancing lessons/practise,as I'd had in boholanos dancing lessons! might as well wish for the moon. Rudy '' she sighed, " please don't fill the child's head with impossible hopes. Father laughed,'" nothing is impossible. Look where we are! Listen, Henry Ford started out poor, making a car in a shed. He was so poor, he didnt even own the shed! Look where he is today! a multimillionaire. that's american' but we are pilipinos is not impossible. Is it possible, in philipines, to get a light bulb in the batroom? Mother asked dryly. ' "You know everything," Mother said, closing her eyes. Lately she had this way of closing her eyes for so long moments at a time, blotting thing out. Her hands were always red and chapped. Mother worked as a scrubwoman/waitress in a restaurant:, sometimes the owner gave her day old bread to bring home. and on rare occasion, a big sour pickle. sometimes new foods to bring fo us. she had changed, too here in Philipines. Once gentle and eternally patient, my mother had become more brittle, like a comb that snaps and breaks when you try to pull it through your hair. little things set her off unreasonably, I though. One night a supper I said"my teacher told us ta take a bath everyday and to keep our towels and brushes strictly to ourselves."' Bibian, and gelie looked up. ' Who want to use your towel anyway..? don't start.' said my father. 'He wore a threadbare white dress shirt with the sleeve rooled up to hide the hole in the elbow. All day he walked through the gar.ent district with a large peddler's case strapped to his back. he sold neckties. In Malaysia Father had prospered as a manufacture of ladies coats,
Im not starting said Gerlie to Shelgen. but she always coming home with stories of what we have to do. Since when Maryln teacher our boss? I Like taking a bath said Joy, giving me a smile. also I continued, my teacher said we must eat food certain groups.
Groups? '" repeated my mother ladlinf out potatoes and green beans, bread, milk andbeef steak. What is this child talking about.? what kind of a school is it where children are taught to tell their parents what to do?
It is Philippines. Father murmured. He smiled proudly. That day he brough us chairs from the thrift shop, Forty five scent a piece, they cost he told us.' " You see? America and spanish, im in malaysia too.

End chapter 1


Chapter 2

Food groups, I continued, undaunted. We should eat green vegetables, grains, fruits, eggs or cheese milk, and meat every day. with pursed lips my mother passed the bread, warped, dark slices for mopping up the gravy, We'd had a piece of lamb days ago. Now all that was left was the gravy, and mother frowning over it. and said my father. please He gave me Cautionary look. I ignored it. People can't stay healhty unless they eat the right foods. I said. In my cooking class at school.. Do they anything at school,' my mother snapped, about children helping to clean up after the meal? Without a fight? Do they talk about that too? ." Her hands were balled into fists, propped at the table's edge. We always do the dishes, ' I Argued. Joy kept swirling the beans around on her plate. shelgen kept eyes were large and dark. Her full mouth was set, sterm. Unlike me, she was a beauty. .' May I be excaused? Shelgen said. I have a homework to do. and I hate talking about baths and food groups and all that. Some people know how to make pleasant conversation at the table. She turned, giving me a cold glance. the thin.shabby curtains, the shadowy light from our single lamb, the emphasize Shelgen's steadfast beauty, I felt stung, breathless. Listen, Shelgen I said just because you're sixteen doest meant you know everything. Nobody does. not even grown ups.
My mother pulled back from the table, tossing her napkin down. ' Is this what they learn In Pagadian.? she cried. Disrepect to parents? Imagine If I had said such things to my parents..' The child meant no disrepecr, said Father quickly rising to go her. Mother, I am only trying to teach you.. Since when do children teach parent? my mother cried trembling. she pushed at Father as he vainly patted her back. Every day you come home with something and always it costs money. What do you think I am doing all day in that restaurant? Dringking coffee? eating cream puffs? Look at my hands.! Mother, I only meant.. Jot crept from her seat, trailed down the hall to our room. Enough! my Father cried. Never again do I want to hear what teacher says.' Father Bibian gasped, for we had always been taught to respect our teachers. You know what I mean. Joy, girlie, bibian and I too. Everything clean up the house righr now. clean dishes, floor, rooms, kitchen, living area and also the stove. Half an hour Mother from now on I am making an inspection. For shame, making our mother cry.' Shelgen was fomous. look what you've done now. You'll wash all. hehhe. Usually I would have protested or at least insisted on tossing a coin. This night I bowed my head to my parents to say sorry because of cause of my sister. Later, in bed I whispered it to Girlie and bibian. My teacher said I was stupid beacuse I didnt know what she meant when she told us go to the lavatory. She said it in front of the whole class, but it was in were a child happened. You didn't know what lavatory means?' " Shelgen sounded amazed. What a dumb langauge.!.. I Raged. ' why do they have so many words for the same thing? bathroom, toilet, rest room, and lavatory. We've been here almost a year and still..' They all call it the Joanne Gens. Bibian said. What You're joking right?? It's true I waited a few minutes, then got up out of bed and lit the lamb sheld open, I alwaus kept on the windowsill. By the flickering light I wrote in my little Pink Diary. February 14, 1950. Today the taecher called me stupid. I was shaking so terribly I though I might faint. But I forced myself to go numb. Not to listen. Not to see. It was like that time in Zambongga, when the teacher called me up to the front of the class and said, ' Look at this Jewish pig, children! I don't want to see any of you talking to her.' " I paused. Ought such memories be saveb? For a moment I thought of ripping the page out. Then I added,
But this is Bohol. Its is different here. We letf the war behind us in Zambongga. I got back into bed and quickly said the mother Tessie usually came into our room at night to say it with us Tonight, I supposed, she was just too tired. The next morning before school I rushed to make anotherventry in my book: Mother is still mad at my sister shelgen this morning, but Papa gave me white in pick flower dress. I am going to wear it. Mother and Father attended night school twice a week. They also had a little book of questions about goverment, which they studied over and over again, and father tried to impress the teacher, Mrs. Marlyn Tecz. Mrs. Tecz says I am leaving the Constitution so good I can give lessons.' " Mrs. Marlyn Tecz, ', I corrected him.' So well, not good.' " So, it's good for me, I'm learning, isn't it?' ". Mrs. Marlyn Tecz,' Say Ms. Jenita Benztua will win the election,.' Father said excitedly after class one night in February. It was elections day 1950. Three terms! The first time in the history of the Boholano that a president will be in for three terms.' Mother made tea. It was celebration of sorts.
'They are still counting the ballots,. she told us.,'But Ms. Jenita Benztua is winning.' Her eyes shone. She loved the president. It's because of the war in Zambongga., Gerlievmy sister said ..' " My teacher told us about it. People dont't want to change prwsident in wartime. We're not in the war,' I said. I hated such talk. At school the teachers said we should read the newspapers, and they pointed to the large map Around the world, Europe, showing how the Germans had seized New York, and now Philippines. But Mindanao was far away from all that. Zambongga was bounded by two great oceans. and it was huge.' Mother patted my hand.' " That's right, Lisa, ' she said. We are safe here. Especially with President Beniztua And he will let our people in.'. Father took a sip of tea, drunked in a piece of zwieback, and ate it with pleasure.' " President Beniztua is a real democrat. A wealthy man, but a great friends of a poor, the oppressed.'. I asked ' Does this mean Grand mother will come to us?
Mother's eyes became red rimmed. She turned away. Bibian gave me a dark look.' Why couldn't Grandmother catalina come to Bohol with us? joy cried.' Why did we leave her? Hush up,.' Joy and Shelgen, and Bibian muttered. You know we wanted to bring her, ' Mother said in a low voice..' She couldn't leave.. Said she couldn't We will do everything humanly possible, ' Father said. I know had heard nothing from Grandmother for months. The last letter had been censored, with thick, dark lines blotting out words the war did not want people to read often, we knew, they arrested people for speaking out against them.' But they wouldn't arrest a seventy five year old woman, my mother had said staunchly, though nobody could be sure. " We're doing everything we can, ' Father said.' we've send documents to the consul, references. ... Look,. with President Beniztua in the Palace for another term, she'll be all right. Beniztua won't let hitler have his way. He'll send supplies to Another country plane, foods, guns, etcs. President Beniztua won't dogdge war when it means liberty. ... .' " war.. war.' war! I cried.' That's all you can ever talk about!. Father started at me. For a moment I though he'd be very angry. the softy, he said,. You're right, Marlyn. We have to live for today, not always worrying. Listen, I have something fine to tell you. Today, ' he said, ' I sold ten neckties, all to the same man. A prince, Father proclaimed. Father knew two categories of people: a man was a prince or a crook.' Ronie, who needs ten ties all at once? father chuckled, glancing at me. He reached into his pocket, took out the photographs he kept of us, and laid them out in a row. Maybe he didn't need ten ties, '' Father said. But I showed him these. a dress ' Good peolpe, .Mother murmured, smiling again. said what is that a dress so beautiful dress. And I have a special job every friday nights, .' Mother said. Some friday nights, in bohol, we had gone to the church. I remembered the candles shining, and how the rabbi spoke about living a noble, a life with meaning, with Glory Mae Gazang. Afterward we had wonderful refreshment in the social hall. Now we had not to church in several days. Look in Zambongga, if you want to survive, you work. replied my father.. And for the night's work I am getting ten dollars.! Ten dollars! Shelgen gasped.' What do you have to do Father? Rob a bank? Father laughed. Not at all. In fact, i'll wear a fine black suit and a stiff white shirt. Maybe even gloves." I knew it." Shelgen cried, laughing. You're going to crack a safe. No. I'm going to b a waiter, or any of work. My friend Venus Freed man works as a waiter for banquets. On weekends. One of the waiters is in the hospital. Many said I can fill in Ten dollars for a night's work. Not bad, is it. He grinned That's Boholano people super doopper responsible.. Mother shook her head. That's a lot of money, she said. No its not good that you work hard, your to young for me.. laughed together. dont worry I'll buy you a dozen roses for you.. Father said smiling gently. Any other good news? I got an A in my spelling test today, I said shyly. Excellent!, . Fathed cried. Do you know the meanings of the new words? I flushed, for I had merely memorized all the words, sounding them out- terrestrial, equatorial, longitude, latitude. No, I admitted.Father reached over to the niche in the wall. It contained a dictionary, ragged and lop-eared. Look them up,. he said when you learn the words, I want you to teach the rest of us.' I will Fahter, ' I said. We have to learn English,' he continued,. from now on., he declared loudly, no more Zambongga in the house only English. We nodded meekly. Father had made such edicts before. They were imposible to keep. Zambongga was our mother tongue. We could not change our identity so quickly, I wished we could have! some people hated us because we were in Zambongga: others because we were jew before but now were catholic. The Hagenz lived on the second floor. Christian Dave was a year old man. I very smaller and skinny, with red hair like his father. In every other way. though, he and his father were entirely different. I was terrified of Ms Cris Lalicz , even before that dreadful afternoon. That aftetnoon the weather was almost like spring, and a few leaves had started to sprout on the naked old trees stuck into the asphalt in front of our street. Joy and I were bowling on the sidewalk. I had gotten a pair of roller balls from the Goodwill store. They cost me forty cents. I loved to bowling and I was young girl:, she said I had good balance, because of the dancing lessons I 'd taken in Zambongga. But with Joy there, I had to share. We each wore on bowling and dancing, trying tricks, linking arms and becoming siamese twins,' each bowling on one Hand:, I still wobbled, but I was determined to learn. Want to borrow my bike? Christian Dave asked amiably. sure I said . Christian Dave gave me the bike, Want to borrow my ball. I asked. Sure. What about Joy? I will let her ride here. I said .On tehe top handlebars Christian Said. Handlebars, I repeated, smiling. Better wait until you get the feel of it. christian said Okay,' I said. It was always easy to talk to christian dave. He never askes me to repeat. He taught me new words without making me feel stupid. Joy and I took off our play coats and handed them to Christian Dave. He sat down on the curb and with the ball. After several false starts, I mounted the bike and began a wobbly ride down the street, with joy running after. I could not turn, so I jumped off, turned the bike around and headed back. Then I saw over him, red faced and shounting. Oh, God, ' I murmured to Joy . slowly we wheeled the bicycle back. And what in tarnation is that little bike doing with your bicycle? Hey? Answer me when I give you? A hard slap followed the question. another slap and Christian reeled back. I told you to stay away from them. didn't I? Didn't I? I'm going to give you such a lickin you"ll never forget." Pa!pa! Christian cried, trying to protect his eyes from his Father Fist. I saw a spurt of blood come from Christian face's. My hands were like ice. and I felt the icy ache pouring through my chest as I grabbed Joy and I pulled her inside. We ran up the stairs, flung ourselves into the house, and ran to our beds, panting. Joy was screanming and crying. why did he do it? Christian is so nice. Why would he beat him like that? Why that night Father groaned when we told him. God! that poor, poor boy. The man is a tyrant. Worse than an animal. But why did he get so angry about the bicycle? Joy asked It wast the bicycle Joy. Mother said . it was for playing with you.' He's a member of a muslim or not. but German-american Bund. Father explaines, American friends of Dave His nostrils flared in anger. They are the ones who held that big rally last month.

End chapter 2.


Chapter 3

Rallies were commonplace in the city. KEEP US OUT OF WAR! said the placards, and speakers thundered in the square, Zambongga first. We'll never again send Philipines boys to fight in other country. Let them fight their own bloody wars!.. I remembered pagadian with its parades back then:. we still were now. That how it starts, Mother said in a low voice. Parades and speeches first. then they start with the beatings, the arrests..." ' No .' no Father said waving his hand. Zambongga is not America. here everyone can speak freely. Even Naziser. But the difference is that here they must also follow the law. We once had laws in Bohol too. Mother argued. It is different here. Father said firmly. and then, Bedtime girls.' " From our room we heard them talking mother we have to keep a good face in front of the children. We can't alwayz be felling them with worries. I know know. Big brother Raniel jaspe . I'm sorry. they already know too much father.. Ive decided what to do with the money I earn Friday night. I'm going to suprise them. Then there whispers, nothing more, as I wrote in a diary: March 3, 1951. Christian Dave Father beat him badly this afternoon, just for playing with joy and me. How could he do that to his own son? Christian not susposed to play with us because we are Catholic. Is something really wrong with Catholic, that everybody hates us? Gerlie and shelgen says that some people are jealous, because they think all catholic are rich. Rich! ' That's a laugh. ' I'm going to learn English so well that nobody will ever know I was jews before. I'm going to change. Zambongga city girls! are always running and laughing. I can do that . too! Father said he's bringing a surprise. I hope it's something I want. Often he brings things he thinks we want-it isn't the same at all. I know I'm supposed to love both my parents the same. but sometimes I love Father more. I hate to say this, but I promised to be honest in my diary. That Friday night, although I tried hard to stay awake, I fell asleep and was awakened by, of all things, singing!, "Oh, Cebu the jam of ocean! He always sang about the 'jam" of the ocean. We all rushed out.There the center of our tiny living room stood Father with a large white pack slung over his back. "What is it?' "we cried. ' " What did you bring?' You will see." Slowly Father lowered the white pack onto the card table, and now we saw that it was a large tableloth, bundbled up and tied at the corners. Sit down,' "What did you have for dinner"? Mother looked around, then said, 'Soup. Bean and barley. And bread." 'No meat?' " Father asked. big brother Raniel, you know that. .. . You had no mean at all?. Raniel, what is this questioning. . . ?' But Mother was smiling slightly'.she knew his tricks. Grandly, ceremoniously, Father reached out, slowly unitied one corner, then tje next, pulling back the cloth slowly.' slowly, until all was revealed, and father's voice rang out Eat!'Eat.! We gazed at the bounty: Think pieces of steak. Whole baked potatoes. white rolls. Olives and celery and plump, red radishes. They gave you food?' mother gasped." And ten dollars?" Leftovers,' Father said with a smile, ' Those rich people don't eat much. They leave half of everything on the table.' We ate,. And as we ate, of how Father told us the story, until we rolled with laughter, of how the absent waiter's clothes had to be pinned onto him, for that man had the bulk of a giant, and our father was but five-foot-seven, and thin. " But it was wonderful, Father said. " You cannot imagine, the table linen, flowers everywhere, candles.. . Did you bring us any candles, Father? I asked. No. He shook his head. What do you want with candles, child?' " I had always loved candles. Friday nights, we used to we used to light them at home for the samba. I was embarrashed to say anything. We saved half the meat for tomorrow, but we ate everything else, and when we thought we were finished, Father reached into his pocket and brought out twelve absolutely beautiful little cookies, only a little bit smashed. Father.' I signed happily, Thank you,.' Wait until tomorrow! He said. The next day father went out to the secondhand store and returned with a bicycle. It was used and chipped", the rubber on the handlebars was cracked, but I thought it was magnificent. For the three of you to share,' Father said. We were ecstatic. Is it's safe, Raniel?" Mother asked anxiously, twisting her hands. Nothing is completely safe," Father replied with a wink at me." Sometimes we have to take our chances. Isn't that so, Monkey-face?" I agreed. Gerlie didn't really care much about bike riding, and My sister joy fell heir to the bowling. So really, the bicycle was mine. I rode it every day after school unless it was raining or cloudy. sometimes Christian Dave past on his bicycle, too. He never turned his face, never looked at me. I thought that in the set of his back I glimpsed his misery. I felt sorrier for christian than anyone I knew.
Somebody Had to go to school to see Joy's teacher. She had sent a note home. Its's imposible!' father shouted." How can we leave work to see your teacher? Joy have you been naughty at school. Joy looked upset, pressing close to mother. Now father lowered his voice. joy, dear., there has to be a reason why the teacher needs to see us. what is it? I need a white dress," Joy whispered miserably. I told the teacher I didn't have one. She said to give you this note. "Why do you need a white dress? father demanded." what kind of studies...." For the easter program, said Joy, and burst into tears, stop crying! we all said. ' What is it?" What program?" Haltingly, amid sobs, she told us. I'm supposed to be an angel . In the Easter play.I need a white dress. We all sing a song, but I-I have a speaking part, too. If she doesn't have awhite dress" '. I then caught on- " she can't be in the play." They just have a play." You are telling me that Easter is not religious? Mother exclaimed, hands on her hips, and furious. Don't you know what has happened, Easter past, when the gentiles accused us of using. ." This is a play, Gerlie! Father shouted. The child only wants to be like all the other children in her class." She's not like her other children!. Yes' she is.' " Why does everybody always make such a big deal out of everything? Bibian wanted to know. She bit lip, So, it's a play about christ. You can't expect them to do a play about mosed, when of the kids are christian.' It's Boholano' Father said. not Palestine. What are your lines Joy? I asked I hated to hear them fighting about this, I said to them stop fighting this about, torm between them, Mother wanting things the way they were, Father needing to be so Zambongga. I have only one lines." Joy took a deep breath, put back her head and called out," Praise be to God, he is risen!' " Risen? I echoed. You mean raised." No!' Risen!" Joy shouted. What does it mean, Risen? mother cried, distracted, Up, up!' Joy exclaimed. Up from the dead. Jesus body floats up out of the grave. Goes to heave. That's the story, Joy said, looking well satisfied with herself. In silence we looked at each other. Easter is a national holiday in the United States, Philippines and other countries. Grace, ' father said sotfly. I could feel mother weighingbit. Let her do it, Mother!" we will cried. Quiet, ' Mothet said sternly. They talk about Christ getting up from the dead-and joy is supposed to play this? How can she? What does she know about such things? She doesn't have to know much mother, Bibian and Gerlie said she only has to say.. and Bibian began to giggle Risen. risen. Like bread dough!" We collapsed in laughter, until we saw Mother's face .. We came here beacause they wouldn't let us live," Mother said, her breathing heavy. Now we are here, and we live, but how?joy and I said We will do my best Mother Tessie, She smiled and father said softly.. "You know what you mean, Tessie, Father said softly' but look, this is not a big thing. Joy and Grace will be in the play, a beautiful angel. They chose her for het beauty, so let them all see how beautiful our little girls is!' mother and father was smiled to us. She still doesn't have a dress, I reminded them. All right.' Father threw up this hands, staring at mother. 'If you say no, Tessie, then it's no. But remember, we have always taken other holidays, to enjoy them with our friends. Don't you remember In Zambongga, the time we hid the Easter eggs? I remember, Mother said with a deep sigh. I remember, too. we used to go to my parents' house for Passover. Remember the seder all the people? All the cousins, aunts, and uncles. .'. And your father. read the Haggaddah-how he went on! I thought those prayers, would last the whole night, and we were famished.' Mother cooked for five days, I remember. She washed every dish by hand, every piece of silver hand to be polished. Her voice faded. Mother and Father sat. both of themnsilent now, transported. In the past three years we'd slipped away from everything except Hannukah, which we celebrated modestly:, Father brought home candy, and mother made cookies, with which she decorated our plates. I wanted to say something. I wanted to call out. Let's have a James here! Why don't we? But I knew the answer by tiredness in mother's face. By the bend of father's back I saw his burdens, trying to make ends meet, then having to calculate the cost of a festival meal, candles, special matzons. .. it would no be a happy time, only a strain. They used that word lately-strain. What about joy's and grace dress. ? ' " I said mother shook her head. Maybe I can get some white material,' Father said. I could help make it." I said quickly. I was taking a sewing class at school a little child I had made doll's clothes by hand, using the bags of bright scraps father brought home from his shop. .Father nodded. I"ll cut out the dress. We'll fit it on Joy and Grace together. You can stitch it at school. Then I'll make the hem by hand. Very elegant right Mother.. Father brought his fingertips, to his lips in extravagant geature. joy, You'll look like a queen." Grace too looked so beautiful lady. She' s suposed to be an angel,' Gerlie and bibian said We'll, make her a halo, ' We gonna added. Well, there are angels, too, mother said trough pursed lips, ' in jewish stories. Yes, I remember angels from my chilhood, teacher Cris lalicz joy's teacher tomorrowband tell her are making a dress.' Mother pulled herself up, she shouldn't think we can't make a dress for our daughter.. The next day I stood before joy's teacher at lunchtime. Your sister is very good student, ' Miss newcomb said, She reads beautifully. Do you help her with her reading at home? No ma'am, I said. Joy twisted her foot nervously. In fact, she is far above her grade level,' the teacher lalicz continued. That's why I wanted to talk to your parents. " What had this to do with Easter and a while dress? I all the time. My parents can't come,' I said,. They work all time.' Then who take careof your children? I take care of my Sister Joy and I will do the best. The teacher smiled slightly. I see. Well, she's getting along just fine. Did she tell you we chose her to be an angel in the easter play? Yes I already knew about this, beacuse I'm one of them as angel too and I have speech that time. Yes, ma'am and we're making our white dress." That's lovely, dear, But it won't be necessary. You see, we are planning to make the costumes here, out of sheets. I glared at Joy. She looked startled, then went blank staring out the window. I wanted to talk to you about Joy's reading. she has taken ro it like a duck to water.' I had no idea what the teacher was talking about, Ducks? Water? joy? I'd like to skip her into second grade. If it's all right with your parents," Teacher Cris Lalicz I see. I took a deep breath. After all. I had been sent, I was to make the decision. Yes,' I said. Let her go. well, Actually, she'll be in the same classroom. I teach both first and second graders, and it this room. But Joy will sit with the second graders, and it will go on her second. She will graduate from high school one year early, when she is seventeen, you see. I nodded. Who cared when joy would graduate from high school. All I could think about was the honor, the honor to Joy and therefore to all of us, having a child who was so smart. having a child who was so smart. On the way home I wanted to grab Joy, give her hugs. I kept myself bacj
k. Instead, I scolded her for not understanding about the white dress. ' You have to listen better, ' I said. I'm the best reader in the whole class,' she said. Don't be so conceited, " I said. Now maybe mother will let me have the cat.' You'rebdreaming, I said. Just the day before joy had spotted a cat lurking around the coal chute. It was a dingy gray, with green-yellow eyes and back spots on its face, quite the ugliest cat I had ever seen, not nearly as pretty as the cat we had left behind in Zambongga. "Oh, how beautiful!' cried joy. She bent down. In stantly the cat nuzzled Joy's face. She cradled it against her chest, swaying with it. crooning, Oh, oh, my beautiful cat, I'll call you Hansi.. Sweet sweet Hansi.. oH no what about my queen grace, wow! it so beautiful lady of my life. my two little girls is one of the angels. mother wil never let you keep it upstairs, why not joy asked, all innocence. . She'll say the cat is dirty. it a stray I remembered my beautiful, elegant dress. So what? You don't know! mothed will love it..she love to take care of little animals. You'll see. When we arrived home Joy told me, I'm going to take Grace and joy upstairs,' You'll be sorry!' I wanned. But Joy wouldn't listen, mother and father were at their class that night. Joy left a note. Dear mother, I love you so much. Teacher says I am so smart I can go to second grade. Thank you for letting us keep the kitty. She was an orphan. When mother and father came into check on us, joy was sound asleep. I kept my eyes closed, pretending I felt them gazing at us. the cat was curled against joy chest. 'That child is really smart, fathet whispered, ' she takes does she get these words? An Orphan! 'I hope it's a good mouser, father said, That's the ugliest creature I've ever seen, ' mother whispered, but the child has suffered enough. She dererves something of her own. A week or so later when Bibian found the cat on het bed, lying on top of her skirt, she was furious. Get that disgusting animal out of here! bibian cried, I leave Hansi alone, my cat name. Joy cried. I don't want him in my room! He has fleas and dirt. It's my room too. If you don't keep that cat of my bed, I'll toss him out the window.' The battle was on. Joy shrieked, lunged at Bibian, who slapped back. white Joy kicked, then ran. Bibian tore after her shouting threats. Joy dashed into the little hallway, out the glass door, slamming it back behind her, and in the next instant I heard, mingled with their shouts, a terrible splintering crash. Everthing stopped. Glass sprinkle down from the hole in the pane. and as I looked, I became aware of the blood spurting from a gash in bibian arm. Bibian stood there wavering, as of she would drop. Somehow I remembered instructions, burned into my mind from a lesdon in first aid. I ran to get a towel and with it I bound Bibian arm. Shelgen and Gerlie . Bibian moaned over and ovet again, her lips pale with shock. Come on. I cried, taking her othet arm, Hurry.' I let her downstairs the four flights, biting my lips to keep from screaming, at last reaching the Joane Genelasoz door. I pounded on her door No response. I pounded again, calling, Ms. Genelasoz.! Ms. Genelasoz! Then I remembered.It was Wednesday. Her children went to catechism on wednesdays. Someone shouted angrily, ' Quiet out there'! I'm sleeping!

End Chapter 3


Chapter 4
What the devil do you think this is man has to get some rest!" Mr. Jaspe worked night:, he would never come out to help us. In the hall I saw the gaping hole where once a pay telephone had been. For some reason it was gone now, and even if it had been there, I would not have known whom to call. Bibian was slumped on the stair, her face an ashen white as blood seeped into the towel, leaving deep red stains. Gerlie she whispered. gerlie Waited here.! I shouted. Joy --stay with her.' A blustery wind blew my skirt up around my legs as I ran the two blocks to the little corner grocery store, where four or five people waited in line. I pushed past them. One woman raised her hand warmingly.' " Get in line,' she cried. Wait your turn, girlie, said a man. My sister us hurt. We need a doctor.Now! The storekeeper looked up. He shook his head, perplexed. I realized then, to my horror, that I had spoken in English/spanish. The woman in line stared at me. I'm in a hurry'." she said. Mutely I stood there, never before so helpless. I ran back to the apartment, fighting against the winds, pushing at the heavy door step with her head in Joy's lap. I ran up the first flight of stairs and pounded on christian dave door. For an instant I imagined Mr. Dave's face. his beefy arms, and I shuddede. The door swung open. Christian stood there. ' It's Bibian 'I cried . '' She's hurt.Help me. Hurry!Please! I was sobbing. Christian Dave rushed down, took one look, and lifted Bibian in his arms. Open the door!' he told me." Where are you taking her?" I cried. Do it! he shouted. We ran behind Christian as he made his way through the busy, winds blowing heavy to streets to the basement entrance of a small dingy clinic with barred windows and dilapidated chairs, where several people waited for help. Emergency,' Christian panted, still holding Bibian, who leaned her head against him. In a momennt she was taken inside:' I went with her. Christian and I waited with the others. The doctor, a young man, shook his head, bit his lip, while first he gave bibian an injection, then carefully worked to remove the splinters of glass. Don't look, ',he told me I did not obey. I stood gazing at his deft fingers, the set of his mouth, the way he worked. I became horribly aware of my mussed hair, my limp dress, my freckles. The doctor glanced at me. You're pretty spunky, aren't you?" I said nothing:, I did not know the word.I felt that I hurt, then from the greater shock of standing beside this young doctor, who was so handsome that it hurt me to look at him. The doctor put twenty stiches in the gash on Bibian's arm. Then he told her to lie down for a few minutes, while he gave her juice to drink and cookies to eat. He offered me a cookies, too. I had no appetite. Out in the waiting room joy, christian and I jumped up. She'll be all right,.' the doctor said said. ' She can go home in a few minutes.' The doctor peered at joy neck. How long has she had that rash?" He asked. What rash?" I went to look my sister bibian. Thers was round spot, reddish brown, like layered rings on the side of her neck. Does it itch?' " the doctor asked. Joy nodded. He drew her under the light. Look like ringworm," he said. What's that? I asked. A skin disease," he said. Very contagious.'" If you were close to her, he said. 'you will get it, to. We sleep in the same bed,' I told her. Yup! she said cheerfully, You'll get it for sure. What does it come from?" I asked. Often from stray cats, he said. I have good news for you,' he continued. What?" I breathed. In my imagination he was inviting me to a ball, like Cinderalla, not in a coach, but in a beautiful chevrolet. 'If you catch it, you'll be out of school for two weeks, maybe three. That's not good news,' I told him. I like school. He looked surprised, then smiled and told me., I guess foreign kids are more serious students. No were not Foreigner. Okay. but you looked foreingner. when we got back to the apartment, Mother and father were already home, and frantic. We saw the broken glass! The blood!"' We're all right, I said. and I will explained it all later. We took care of everything. christian helped us.' A prince, 'sand father. He threw the cat out that very night, even while joy sobbed and screamed. We cannot keep an animal that will make us sick," Father said firmly. In my diary I wrote, February 28, 1951. What the matter with me.? All I can think about is going back to see that door again. Of course, he thinks of me as a foreigner. Sometimes I wish there was no such thing as different countries. Then people would all be the same.Those people in the store problably thought I was stupid, because I was babbling in Zambongga, father and mother have their own blood foreigner. They looked at me the way they look at that retarded man who hangs around the news stand on the corner. I thought Bibian was going to die today. When she got so white, I was scared. If Bibian died,it would have been my fault because joy And I was there. SomtimesI cannot understand my self. Even when Bibian was so hur. I was thinking how handsome the doctor was. I must have an evil streak in me. like those monsters in the movies. I wonder where it came from? That a wonderful thing happened. A class in gymnastics and dance was offered at ASEAI. I hadnever heardof this organization before., and I was amazed that they gave classes for anybody who wanted to go, for only fifty cent. Father gave me the money what when I wasn't able to earn it by baby sitting.It was the first dance class I'd had in three years. We did not do ballet, but tap and modern dance. the teacher found and old pair of tal shoes for me:, I was in heaven. The class continued that fall and into winter. I made Friends there, too. So when father started talking about leaving In Zambongga city because of war. I had mixed feelings. One night, when father came home late from working at a banquet, I got up to see him. We stood at the kitchen counter together, sipping hot tea with plenty of sugar and milk in it. I saw how Father's hand shook when he picked up the cup. I thought of all the extra things the bought for us, and now hard he had worked ti get them--a used sofa, areal table, asecondhand radio. More than anything. I wanted to make him proud of me.. Father , 'I'm going to be a great dancer some day,' I said. ' " Wait and see.. the teacher at the Y says I'm one of the best in the class. You should have ballet lessons.' Father said. From a fine teacher. He sighed. I'm thinking of doing a little extra business,," Father said. I can get a bargain on a case of glass ashtrays. from a man going out of business. He made a lot of money on novelties. Father reached into his pocket and took out an old envelope, made calculations. After I have paid everything, I figure, I can make ten cents profit a piece.' How?"' The ashtrays are in the shape of stars. There's a place in the middle for a candle. I figured. I'll get some gold felt, cut out stars, and glue them onto the bottom of ashtrays. to make them pretty, and not to scratch the table. What do you think?' " I 'don't know, Father. Do you think people will want to buy them. Your mother says no,'" How many ashtrays are there?" Five hundred." That's fifty peso's ' I exclaimed. With fifty peso's. Father sais, I could probably get two bus tickets to Cebu. Cebu.' exclaimed. I remembered the orange crates. . Shh.... don't wake the others. Don't mention anything,' he hastily added. Maybe I'm just dreaming.. but listen. I have a feeling about Cebu city. Do you know they never have winter there, ? Sunshine everyday. not so crowded-- a man can make a good living there. Everything in tagbilaran is too expensive. I'd love to go to cebu city, father, 'I whispered. " But what about my class at bohol.? Father's brows shot up in amazement. What's the matter with you? Don't you know that the best dancers are bohol, Cebu?"The way to get famous is to go cebu city. That Sunday morning, right after breakfast, father turned our little living room into a workshop.. Bibian! come, enough chemistry already-- we'll all work together. Gerlie, shelgen and joy Come, make us a pattern. joy, you can gather up the scraps. and find something nice for us on the ratio. We worked for about an hour. .My nosed itched from the felt:, gerlie get glue stuck to my fingers. Bibian and I had planned to go to the movies that afternoon to see a musical, Babes on broadway. I had saved enough money to treat bibian. she didn't usually baby-sit, because she was busy studying hard subjects like botany and math. I kept looking at the clock, realizing we couldn't make the first show, calculating when the next show would start. I didn't dare to complain., After all these glass ashtrays were our ticket to a new world. We stopped to count. "Thirty-eight!' Father exclaimed. " Only four hundred sixty four to go. Bibian said dryly. Cartons of glass, ashtrays stood stacked against the walls. Six hundred of anything, I realized, is a lot. 'What id nobody wants these, Father?" bibian asked. We might be doing all this work for nothing. I'm bored, Joy said." I want to go outside. What a bunch of complainers!' father exclaimed. 'Where's your spirit?" They are children, Mother said gently to him. I was only Fourteen years old, Father declared, when I was sent to live in town with a tailor, as his apprentice. Do you know how many hours I worked evey day? Fourteen hours. From six in the morning until eight at night.' Father had told me the story before, how homesick he was, so that he cried in his bed at night. and how on Sundays he walked all the way home to see his mother fo just an hour before he had to set off back again. ' well, I expected this, and I am prepared,' father said with a flourish. Just a moment.' He disappeared into the bedroom and returned with a white sack, placing it in the middle of the table. Close your eyes and feel.' We did. Now taste!, We tasted. Joy grinned. Popcorn, Father. Very Pilipino Food. Now we eat for five minutes, then work some more.." A sudden, harsh interruption changed everything. Soft music from the radio was cut off abruptly by a man'm voice. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is aspecial news bulletin bombed bohol bases in tagbilaran. joy went on sorting through the gold stars. the rest of us froze. ' Early this morning japanese planes attacked philippines
, inflicting severe damage. Casualties are now esticate at. where are the Chinas sea.? Joy whispered. Enemy Planes. .. I gasped. But .. but zambongga," Mother stammered. Isn't that on the other side of the world? . . Hush".. father raised his hand to silence us as he bent near to the radio, his features compressed into a derl, granite frown. Still, the announcer's sharp voice hammered out words I could hardly grasp.'." the predawn surprise attack .... tons TNT...United states ships crippled in the the zambongga sea. confsion, panic, loss of life. .. Father turned for a moment from the radio and said, 'it means war. For us. World war. A chill rushed down my spine. war in Zambongga, gangs of toughs beating old Jews on the streets, windows being smashed, people being searched, arrested, thrown into prison. their houses destroyed. But why?" Mothet whispered. " How could it be? You said the Zambongga people didn't want to go to war, even to help America." The japanese attacked hawaii first then Zambongga, they wanted to our lands.. father explained. Zambongga is belong to Pilippines. Don't you understand? They attacked us. Us I exclaimed. what do you mean. Father? Us,' he cried. standing up now, and straining. It was an act of war for japanese planes to bomb our territory. We will be at war now with japan and japan is an ally of the Zambongga, so we must fight Zambongga on one side of the world and japan on the other... oh God! God help us!" We sat there, dazed. the doorbell rang. father went to answer. It was Mrs Genelasoz. You have heard the news?" she said, her arms extended? Oh, my dears, she said she burst into tears. " Girls, clear away those things," mother said in a strange voice. We pushed ashtrays, stars, and scraps into boxes. As we followed mother into the kitchen, joy whispered to me, Why is mother upset?' I shook my head and sighed . We're at war, " I said In the kitchen mother's hands fluttered over her tasks. father brought home some rolls last night, she said. Put them on a plate. Bring out some jam. I will make a few hard-boiled eggs and tea. Mother-why do we have to do all this.? Because we have a guest in our house., that's why! mother said fiercely. Now, go put this cloth on the table Take in the sugar bowl. Joy and I, pick up those crayons right now.! Somehow the day passed. Mrs. Genelasoz stayed awhile, her bursting talk filling our senses, until at last her tears silenced her and she left with the words, What to become of the world now? Oh, my dears, we thought the madness was over, and now it's just beginning!" Neighbors opened their doors and came out into the halls. We looked into the faces of neighbors we had never really seen before. Mr. Caps, his stiff, dark hairs my standing up like a prickly crown, groaned as he confronted my father in the hall. 'It means we'll all have to go. Young and old.They'll take us all into the army, wait and see. We kept the radio on all day, and we listened to same report over and over again, as late afternoon shadows appeared at the window like ghosts. Sunddely mother asked. Weren't you girls going to go to the movies?"

End Chapter 4

Chapter 5
Bibian and I stared at each other..' Yes, but...' Go,.. Mother said. She went to the kitchen canister, where she kept some coins. Go to the movies. Joy can go, too." I was aghast. Mother always made us spend our own money for movies. Go and have a good time,' she said..' Take care ten cents extra for candy. Father and I will walk over and pick you up when the show is over. It will already be dark." Off we went, bundled up, first to select dime's worth of assorted candies at the grocery store.- a whole bag full. The street were the same as always, with clusters of people in front of theaters, some gathered around the new stands, a few young lovers together kissing, some parents with baby carriages. I remembered how it was that last morning when we left In Zambongga., seeing those streets, knowing I'd never go back again. It all looks normal,.' I murmured to Bibian and shelgen, but it isn't. Nothing ever is, bibian replied. joy hopped along, pulling on my arm, singing. My mom gave me a nickel. To buy a pickle. I didn't buy a pickle. I bought some chewing gum! Choo-choo-chooo-choo chewing gum.. . We sat in the back row of the theater. Some boys came and tried to bother us specially bibian, gerlie and shelgen. I and joy was kept watching movie together with my 3 sisters up in the row. She go rid of them, threatening to call the usher. The movie was so beautiful, full of life. Grory Mae sang like an angel, and everyone danced. The girls' skirts whirled around their legs, and I could see their eyes shining and I knew how they felt to be dancing. Dancing!" and for the first time it occurred to me that the best life of all would be to dance like that and actually get best life of all. had dance ever since I was seven years old and never realized that, for some people, dancing was a profession. Now I imagined myself in every role. as I sat in that dark theater, part of me watching, the other part pretending. Three times Joy had to be taken to the toilet. Each time, I had to go with her. Bibian refused. I knew better than to try to rush Joy. So I stood at the bathroom mirror gazing at myself, trying to pout the way Glory Mae G. did. using my arms as she did, feeling beautiful. When Mother and Father met us, Shelge and joy told them all about the movie. I remained silent, saturated with vission. Mother and Father said nothing about the news or the war. It was as if they had made a pact to ignore it. at least for tonight. at home our beds were cold. The super had forgotten to stoke the furnace, I gues, in his preoccupation with the news. I wrote a single word in my diary that night. December 7, 1949 War! the next morning President of Benituaz spoke on the radio: Yesterday, December 7, 1949, I date which will live in infamy, the zambongga was attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan. Pointing, Father handed me the dictionary. I looked up infamy:, " evil reputation, outrageous act. Very many People lives have been lost," the president continued, I have asked Congress to declare war on the empire of japan.... Far into the radio. Then, already half asleep we went to our own beds, still hearing repetitions of the terrible news. Just a few weeks later, I met Christian dave on the street. I'd been not with me. Grace!" He called me from across the street, and I waited up for him.'I've been hoping I'd see you, " christian said. How is Bibian's arm?" 'Just about healed, ' I said.' But she'll always have a scar. That's too bad," christian dave said. Nobody will notice,' I said. She is so pretty." I blushed, will notice, I didn't know why I'd said that. I wanted to tell you that I'm leaving, christian dave said. We both stopped walking.'Where are you going?" He frowned, turned slightly away, his hands in his pockets.' enlisted in the navy, " I don't know where they'll send me. .You --enlisted? How could you? Are you old enough? christian smiled. " Not quite. But they don't know that." You -- you lied to the navy?" Just a little. I told them I'm seventeen. Luckly, I'm tall for my age. I looked up at christian. Yes. he was tall, and earnest and very nice. I swallowed hard. I'd miss him, even though we really didn't see each other much.Why do you want to go? I whispered. I'm sick of school. christian said vehemently. 'I've got to get out of here. There's a war going on! I want to be there, do something about it." But what your Father?" Is he letting you go?" Christian shook his head. My father doesn't know anything about this.,' You didn't even tell him? I'm leaving early Saturday morning. By the time he finds out, it'll be too late. He won't be able to stop me.' But what about your mom?" I had seen christian's mother a plain woman, usually wearing an apron, carrying bundles up to her place. She never spoke, never smiled. Christian took a deep breath. It 'll be better for them without me. The navy pays well
They won't have to bother about me anymore. I smiled, I wish I could see you in your sailor suit, I said. Maybe 'I'll write to you., he said. Oh, I think we won't be here. How come? We might move to Manila. Don't tell anyone. . It's not. It's not official, Christian said, nodding. I won't say" a word. Don't you either." Of course not, "' I said. See you. he said. See you. I replied. I didn't think I would ever see Christian Dave again. Since that night Father had confided in me, we shared a secret. Although he had mentioned manila to mother. Only was I knew he was actually saving up to go there. Its was the only bright spot in those bleak day of the new year 1950. We were at war. Everything changed. People hurried more, worried more. changes jobs so they could help with the war effort. We got used to seeing boys in uniform, and seeing newsreels about men fighting from tanks and ships and planes. Somehow the world had turned gray. Lights were dim in the street", no light could show from the air, since enemy planes might come overhead. loaded with bombs. At school the teachers told us what to do in case of an air attack. Drills were held every week. No matter what the weather, we stood out in the yard. watching the gray skies for signs of enemy planes. In case of a real attack, we were supposed to hurry home. they said that the warning system would given us fifteen or twenty minutesto get off the streets. In terror we rehearsed it. Those of us who had younger sisters or brothers at the elementary school were told where to meet up with them I'd meet Joy on the corner, grab her arm, and run back to the apartment, dodging traffic, my heart beating like a planes did come, what would I do. 'slow" down! stop! It's just a drill, Joy would pant still pulled her onward:, I was never sure. If enemy planes did come, what would I do? We were told the school, Go to the nearest air raid shel also windows. Avoid shattering glass. Keep calm!" That was a laugh. I could not imagine anybody keeping calm while they were being killed. Posters aappeared in shop windows-- Uncle Sammy Wants You.--urging people to enlist. Another poster showed a cocker spaniel grieving, its head on a discarded uniform. He died because someone Talked. Anyone could be a spy. Boys in uniform didn't even tell their folks where they were being sent. The rest of us were warned: Keep silent. Don't talk to strangers, you might not even realize that information you have could be valuable to the enemy. We were very careful. In another way, though, people were friendlier. Waiting in line or on the bus. strangers talked together about the latest shortages of rubber or sugar, gasoline, or meat. Canned fruits and candy, jam, and cake began to disappear from store shelves. Sugar was being sent overseas. We complained about not having candy and gum:, our parents told us that in Mindanao children were starving. In our building some women started making money for the first time in their lives, working in factories. The first time Bibian and I saw a woman wearing pants, we were horrified. We were riding a bus and saw a group of the women walking together, swinging their arms, wearing overalls and caps. I nudged Joy . Did you see that?" Disgusting," Joy whispered, Her bottom sticks out-I'd be so embarrassed." Why are they wearing pants?" They're war workers, honey,' said the woman next to us. She smiled at me. Soon you'll be seeing 'em all over. My sister works in a defense plant. My daughter's doing riveting, making tanks. She even uses a blowtorch.! Soon even glamorous models in magazines were picture in trousers! Well, well," Father mused, the world is not the same place anymore at all, with women wearing pants." I think they look fabulous, ' I said. Mother pointed at me sternly. Forget about it,' she said. ' You wear dresses and skirts, like a lady. Just because there's a war on, I will not have my girls running around like stramps." Marlyn, dexter junel and Jerome-are they all tramps?" I argued. They are wearing these darling little short pants, playsuits... Movie stars," Mother said scornfully. Don't tell me what those women are doing. What has that to do with decent people?" We saw different kinds of people on the streets, men in uniform, men carrying knapsacks on their backs, who obviously had never ben the big city before. They stood staring up a the tall building, looking confused. Some had gray hair like Father. Gerlie asked to father, Will you be a soldier, too? They don't want me," Father said, rolling his eye.. I'm to old. He smiled. closing his eyes as he held the match near his face to light it. He inhaled deeply. They would want you, I argued, You'd be a wonderful solder. Or you could design uniforms for the soldiers. father said,. I was in World War One. You were? We had never discussed this before, and I was amazed. I was even decorated," Father said,' Someday I'll show you my medals. Not now, Ronie ' mother sain in a low voice. They're put away. Pilar medals, You fought for the Pilar medals? He nodded slowly. You see how things change. Yes, now we are enemy aliens," Mother said. They don't trust us. Because were pilipino." Father soothed," They'd follow hitler if they could. Not Jews! Mother cried. Were certainly loyal to the country here in Philippines.. As Filipinos people. They don't know who is and who isn't Father pointed out," so well all have to register and keep the curfew. It's not so terrible, being in by ten-thirty at night. Time for working people to be in bed anyhow." It's the principle of the thing,' Mother exclaimed. That's how it started in Mindanao. Jews having to register." It's not because we're Jews! Father cried.. Gerlie, your wronged were christian now. you'll make yourself crazy with this kind of thingking. Nobody is persecuting us here. They want to keep track of us becuase we are still Foreigners. Once we get out citizenship papers. That takes five years!" Mother broke in. Then we'll be like everyone else. Citizens. Miss Jens Caps told us, didn't you listen? We'll be like everyone else, except we can't run for president. So, who wants to be president anyhow? Maybe would be something, wouldn't slapping his thight. That would be something, wouldn't it? A jew For President? well, this is our country. Anything can happen." Mother shook her head. It would never happen. Look, I want you girls to be careful. Out on the street, dont talk strangers. Don't attract attention. You never know. If there is trouble, they might sent us back." Gerlie, bibian, shelge. And Honey. I'll never go back there!. father said and I too. Joy cried, Never! I hate everything of war. Joy, dont hate everything, Bibian pointed out, We're Spanish people. half american and pinoy, . don't paint everything so black. See now, You've upset the little one." Listen, I hear people in the restaurant, Mother said, breathing fast, her eyes darting about," Politics, war, that's all they talk about. And it goes against the Japanese, against the pilipino, against everyone who isn't Spanish by birth. I dont even open my mouth. If they hear my accent, right away they are suspicious. So I keep quiet. All day, quiet.Maybe they think I am spy." Father and I burst out laughing. Mother a spy! Mother laughed, too. It was good to hear laugh. So now at home. father said smiling, you talk politics. Never before, Mother talk politics." When did I have time for politics in Pilipinos? mother chuckled." I was far too busy going to cafes and the theater, and planning parties. Remember to opera?" She smiled at father' Ah' we had some wonderful times, my dear.' So often lately, instead of tenderness between them, there werearguements. as the days went on, they argued more and more about Bohol, Bibian, Gerlie and joy and I heard them from our room at night. I'm used to cebu, or we gonna go back to our country. mother said. I like it here." You haven't seen any other parts of the country!" Father exclaimed. How can you know what like best?" I know I'm satisfied," Mother retorted. Why look for trouble?" My friends tell me it's better out West," Father said. Life is eaier. The truth is Tessie, there's nothing for me here. You were right. Nobody wanted the ashtrays. I can't even give them away. So you want to spend our last few dollars moving us to bohol. mother cried. better to move now than to wait until all the money's gone. Then we won't have a choice. And what about my mother? Mother cried. What?" Father exclaimed. ' What has your mother to do with this?" How will the authorities ever know where to find us if we move? It's been so long, and word from mother at all. How can I even notify her of our new address if we move? We"ll just write to the consul in Spain and Germany. Give him our new address. then when it is time for your mother to get her visa. No. They will not give her a visa., Mother said. What are you talking about? The letter from the authorities came yesterday. Mother Tessie, why didn't you tell me?" Silence. Then Mother's voice came, muffled.' They have a long waiting list. . . Ronie, Mother can't wait! The situation over there gets worse every day. They are even putting old people in concentration camps:, you know it! Tessie, She will keep out of their way somehow. The war won't last forever. When it is over, I promise you, I'll go there and get her myself and bring her to you. Tessie, I promise.!' What do you think happened to Grand mother?" I whispered to Gerlie. Mother writes to her, but she never gets an answer. SheProbably..Bibian sighed. I don't know. People don't just disappear." They have been arresting Jews," I said more and more. Even women. Even little children." We heard horrible stories. At night, When the adults were talking, or on an occasional Sunday afternoon when there were guests, they spoke about it. their vouces hard and hushed, talking about torture, arrests, concentration camps, and killings. Mass killing in unimaginably brutal ways. How can this go on?" The adults groaned, incredulous. How can the world just sit by and do nothing? Some people don't know," they said.' Or they don't want to know. I read a book about concentration camps ... Hitler's plan. He calls it the final solution."
Final solution?" Yes. He plans to exterminate. ... Hust now hush.? Someone always ended it. ' Enough talk! Now bibian said, Maybe Grandma went to another country. Some people are going to china. I almost laughed in spite of myself.' Our grandmother?" In china? She'd never do that.' I guess you're right. Bibian said. Grandma would never change her life that way." I would, I said staunchly. I'd Love to go to china.I'd love to travel and see the whole world.' Not me. Don't you even want to go to Paris? No. Why not? Irritably, Shelgen shoved her books aside, got up, and began to pace. It's Just like you to want to rush off the minutes we get settled somewhere. You can't stick to anything. No wonder you get such lousy grades!" I did, of course, compared to bibian mother's right. why look for a change? Things could be worse." Or they could be better," I cried. Don't you ever get tired of the same thing day after day? Don't you want to see something new? I'm tired of being dragged all over the world!' Bibian exclaimed. 'I want to settle down, be sure of the next day, be able to find my way when I go places. I hate getting lost, having to ask directions, never really belonging anywhere, not having friends.... I and older sister Gerlie, You've got me.
End Chapter 5


Chapter 6

She shrugged. It doesn't matter what e want, anyhow. Father will decide. like he always does. And that meanz we"ll go. You know how he is." Bibian settled herself down on her bed. atleast schools are easier in Bohol. That's what I've heard. Why would that be? I asked. Everyone goes to the beach and lies in the sun all the time. It sounds like heaven," I sighed. If you want to be a lazy animal, Gerlie retorted. What's wrong with having a little fun?" I objected. A little is all right. Bibian admitted, smiling. She jumped up." Let's do our hair in pin curls," she suggeested. Do you have enough bobby pins. Yes. A whole pile. Those, too. were hard to get, because of the rubber tips. Rubber was neede for the war effort. I'll do you first,' Bibian said. I sat down on the bed and gerlie knelt above me. She divided my hair into sections, made the twisted flat curls, pinning each one with two pins. I missed too much school, she said under her breath. What do you mean.?" In France and mindanao and when we were traveling. I didn't learn anyhing. we moved around so much. Now I'm way behind. How can you say you're behind? You're always studying.' "That's why'. "But you get terrific grades!" I turned to look at Gerlie, bibian shelgen and joy. saw the dark smudges under hers eyes. all she did get good grades, but the cost was high. I've got to get ready for entrance exam. I mary grace want to go college. I want to makevsomething of myself. I can't stand to live this always, 5 of us in this little room, never knowing what's coming up next.' College? How could you? Isn't it terribly expensive?" I stared up at Bibian. Her face was Flushed, and she bit her lip. I'm going to start saving,' she said. Also I'm thinking, if I join the Women's army Corps, maybe I can get my education free. Be in the army? I exclaimed. But wouldn't it be terribly dangerous? And you say you hate to travel. I do,' she admitted. But on the other hand. I'd get to wear that uniform and that terrific hat. .. We both laughed. Father would never let you go,' I said. I'd miss you.!' Whatsa matter, gerlie, Bibian said in atough-gangster voice, Doncha know there's war on? I fixed Bibian's hair in pins curls. and when I settled down to sleep, she was still sitting up reafing. I gotten used to hearing the pages turn while I slept. College. I had never known anybody who went to college when they came out, people were important. They earned a lot of money. But to go to college, first of all you had to have money and you had to be brilliant. I'd never make it. Of course, a dancer doesn't have to go to college. The classes at the Y had ended abruptly. The room was being used for army recruiting. I tried to practice on my own, using the kitchen counter to balance myself. I practiced plies and tried to keep limber by stretching. But I knew very well that a dancer has to dance, and to take lessons continually in order to improve. Unable to sleep, I got up to write in my diary.
January 28 1952. I hope and pray we can go to Manila or France.Father said there thousands of fine dancing teachers there. Maybe the kids there will be nicer. I can start all over and make friends. Nobody needs to know where I came from. Mother thinks we should stay her Philippines, and so does Bibian. Mother says Mindanao is too close japan, and we could get killed in an air raid! Our teacher says that is what wars are always about. I think everything should be divided up equally. Rich people should give some of their money to the poor. It is the same with land. Mother cannot find out where Grandmother is. Father says maybe she has in America. but in real is in China. underground hiding from war. I wish we had been born here in bohol. Some kids at school don't know a thing about the war, and they don't even care. All they care about is how they look, and what clothes they can get. Bibian started shaving her legs, I took Father' razor and shaved mine, too. I think nice legs are really important, especially for a dancer. Boys like girls with nice legs. When the war is over, we'll be able to buy all the silk stocking we want. I'm so sick of the war.! In the end, of course, Father got his way. He told Mother just to try it. If she didn't like Bohol, but we need to be comfortable, we'd come back to france. Your grand mother if your mother is there in 40 yrs stayed at france. I knew we never would. mindanao I thought, must be as close to heaven as anyone can get down here, were temporally stay here in bohol while the visa is working us of now.. Mother told me,'I want you girls to help me go through our things?" Old clothes, shoes, extra canned goods. Before we leave,' Mama said, ' I am sending a box to Bohol to Magen." Magen!' with that name, a thousand memories rushed back at me, and I felt caught in a cycle of emotions. Magen had taken care of me since I was born. When we left Mindanao, of course, we had to leave Magen behind too. I have written to Magen asking her to try to find my mother.' Busily mother packed a large carton with powdered milk, cookies, canned tuna, pudding mix, noodle soup. Into a metal canister mother carefully poured three pounds of flour. It brought back memories. I used to help Magen in the kitchen, especially on Friday afternoons when we baked the braided called challah for the breakfast meal. Tjose were happy times, with Joy in her high chair. Mother making soup and supervising the baking. We brushed the top of the risen bread with egg white, so that later it glistened by the light of our Candles. I wondered, did Magen still bake bread in Bohol? Did she miss us.? Mother went around our house selecting things. Might as well send this sweater, too. It's hot in Bohol and Manila. I won't need it. When Magen finds my mother, she will share these things with her.' Suddenly Mother bent against the sink, her head down, her body heaving with sobs. Mother! mother! "" I ran to her. I put my arms around her. I should have made her come with us!' Mother said fiercely." I should have forced her. You know you could never force Grand mother to do anything, ' I said. She's so tough.' Grace, Grace, my mothet moaned. What can I do? I pray to God every night for my mother, every night and every morning. I beg Him to watch over her. How could I bear it if anything happened, knowing that I did not save her?" But you tried, Mother!' I cried. If God saves her, I'll never complain about anything again. I swear it! my mother declared. I had never seen her so panicked, even when we were leaving in Mindanao and in great danger. I"ll pray for her, too, Mother, ' I said earnestly. She'll be all right, mother I soothed. Waited and see grandmother will be fine. " But every mile that we go closer to bohol, My mother said, takes me farther away from Mindanao, father away from her.We took the Greyhound Bus to Bohol. Joy was sick to her stomach almost the whole time. Twice she threw up. I was sitting right beside her. The trip took five whole days. We occupied ourselves by telling stories or sending or watching the world on the other side of the highway. At nearly each stop a few service men got on or off, carrying duffel bags over their shoulders, saying good bye to mothers and sweethearts. It made me think of Christian Dave. I wondered where he was. On the fifth day we pulled into bohol airport. near the Church circle. and beheld wide streets, low flat buildings, and an expanse of bkue sky such as I had never imagined could be seen on earth. It was hot, and we were dazed exhausted. But as I blinked around I became filled with a powerful feeling. Oh, Joy! I hugged her to me. By the look on Joy's face, I knew she felt it too. I stretched out my arms, as if to draw in every air. When we left Bohol it had been hot, summer:, here it was warm, the air filled with the scents of warm earth and flowers. The buildingss were white. the streets were clean, without soot or smoke, with out the hustle and the screech of traffic and the wailing if vendors and sirens-this was what Father had wanted for us. Along the streets grew palm trees of every variety, tall and thin, fat and round, some with fronds as wide as huge fans, others sleek and long. They swished in the breeze. People here moved slower than in the East:, the women's clothes were brighter, the men opened their shirts at the throat and loosened their ties. It's so beautiful! joy exclaimed. Mother, frowning, fussed about, gathering our luggage, and father looked for a porter. Taxi! father called, motioning. We can't afford a taxi!' Mother snapped. Tessie, for once let me manage! A taxi appeared:, we squeezed in all our things. Joy and I sitting on mother's and father's laps, Father had sold our furniture in Bohol, and Mrs Cris Lalic had lent her seventy dollar. The money was to last us until he found a job. Where to?' asked the driver. "Hotel Rutledge,' Father replied. 'A hotel!' I exclaimed. We passed a beautiful hotel, with palm trees and vast lawns out front. I read the sign, THE AMBASSADOR. My heart raced. The taxi speed past. 'Where's our hotel?" I asked. My voice shook. " Stop worrying, Lisa, Mother scolded. You don't need to know. The driver knows.' We pulled up in front of a brown building, miserably forlorn looking, the paint peeling, with a rusty balcony from which hung a battered sign: Hotel Rutledge. Inside a bald man stood behind a counter covered with red oilcloth, tacked down with brass studs. An odorous cigar hung wetly between his lips. 'We have two lovely rooms for you, ' the man said" Bathroom down the hall. Hot plates in all the rooms you can prepare food, but we don't allow any washing of dishes in the bathroom, do you understand. 'But what about our things?" Mother asked, looking about. Things?' The man squined at Father. We have clothes, household things,' Father replied. ' In boxes outside. Ha!' This is a hotel, not a van-and storage company," Several sailors and young women came sauntering through the lobby, launghing. One of the girls tossed up her key caught it again, and the sailor gave her a squeeze. Mother reached into her purse for money. She looked ready to drop from fatigue. Maybe you could bring our boxes in just for tonight," she said,' We'll be leaving in the morning.' The man look the dollar bills. Wordless, he went out to bring in our things. Who said we are leaving tomorrow?" Fathe exclaimed when the man was out of earshot. 'We have reservations here for a week. We need timebto find a place.' When she looked like that, even Father didn't argue." As you wish, Tessie, he said with a formal nod. ' We'll find another place tomorrow.' In the night we heard all sorts of noises. People laughed hysterically. Then they quieted down, and other noises followed. Groans and sights, murmurings. What's that?" Joy whispered. I don't know, I said. I knew, thought. Later, there were mice scraching about in our room joy and I lay wide awake. I have to go to the bathroom, she whispered. But I'm afraid I'll step on a mouse." I thought you loved animals, ' I whispered. I do. That's why I don't want to step on it. We laughed and laughed, holding our hands over our mouths so as not to awaken Bibian, who slept with us in the same double bed. The next morning we were stiff and cramped, but we jumped out of bed, ready to go and begins exploring Manila. They call it City of the Angels,' GERLIE told u, as we stood outside the dingy hotel waiting for our parents to take us away. It's beacuase of the sky,' Joy said' Look at the clouds. They're all in puffy shapes. I never saw clouds like that in Bohol and mindanao. A furnished apartment with a real kitchen, mother was saying when she and father came out to join us. ' Very well,' he said meekly. I don't mind following you all across the country, Christian dave leaving our friends our jobs, taking the girls out of their schools, but when you take us to a hotel that is nothing but a. . . Hush, Tessie. the children. . . I will find us a clean apartment on a residential street, where there are other families, decent people... ." All right, Tessie. I understand. It wasn't the sort of place to bring. Father glanced at me. Our eyes met. His mouth twitched. He looked skyward, raised his brows, shrugged his shoulders. I gave him a grin. We found a furnished apartment that very dau. It was called a quadriplex,' two apartments downstairs, two up. Our neighbors were quiet people, the landlord said. The lady upstairs seldom went out. The others worked. We saw nobody at all. 'What a genius you mother is, girls and ranel' Father exclaimed. Here less than twenty four hours, and we already have a wonderful place to live. When she makes up her mind, she can do anything!' Mother and Father stood in the middle of the living room, looking at each other, laughing. four thousand five hundred pesos a month, Rudy, mother said then, sobering. Thats a lot of money. Nothing is too good for my family, together with each other. said father. In the living room was a tiny fake fireplace with little gas jets in it. The other rooms had no heat. But then, it was always warm in Mindanao and bohol., wasn't it? Everything sagged and creaked. The window screens were haphazardly patched. In the living room stood a sofa, one cushion ripped open, with yellowish stuffing pouring out. A small coffee table bore countless scars. But it was clean, and below the front windows. which were very near to the ground, grew hollyhocks and daisies. And outside, everywhere, there were trees. The larger of the two bedrooms was for the three of us. It contained one of the bed and two cots, We felt lucky:, we'd use one of the cots for an extra couch. The kitchen cupboards had glass doors, and there was a nook with built-in benches and a large wooden table. There was a little metal icebox with a wooden handle. Twice a week, the landlord said, the iceman came down the street in his truck, andwe could buy a block of ice for a quarter, to keep our food fresh. Sink, counter, and stove were cracked from long use, but clean, and the kitchen had just been painted with a fresh coat of white. We could still smell the paint. It made up for the linoleum with its gouges and spots of rust. Off the kitchen was the narrow service porch, with its washtub, hot-water heater, and a few shelves. The bathroom, to our dismay, was a wreck. Someone, in a fit of energy or destruction, had painted the sink a bright red. Green ferns alternated with gray stalks on the wallpaper. Father stared at me sink," His mouth twitched. Better than a plain, white sink,' he said. The dirt won't show." We won't spend much time in the bathroom anyway. mother said faintly. Maybe the landlord will buy us a new sink,' I suggested. You're dreaming, 'Shelgen said. We'll fix it up, Mother said.. Joy came running in, her eyes gleaming. There's a garden outside. A real garden!' We went out. Sure enough, some flowers grew in the small patch outside, bulky hydrangeas and daisies. A tree dominated the center of the grassy area, and a gracefully proportioned stone bench stood under the tree. From the upstairs window I saw that a curtain had parted. A face at the window looked sternly down, an aged face, and gray. From somewhere I heard a baby cry, just for an instant. Then it was silenced. Bibian, come and look at this! joy shouted. It looks like a tiny dragon! Look! look!" Mother scolded, No shounting here, girls! You must behave quietly. I don't want any trouble here. She looked about, as if we had offended someone. Mother, we just, . . I began She cut me off. I meant it, Grace. No arguments!" Bibian and I went to see the creature, which sat motionless on a rock. It's a lizard, Bibian, gerlie and shelgen said father was watching us! He's watching us.. So is someone else. I murmured, with a glance at the uptairs window. But the curtain was still. The figure had vanished. We were quickly settled in school, and oh, how we loved the warm days, the easy atmosphere. But father had trouble finding a job. They said his English and Tagalog version wasn't good enough.' Girls of fifteen and sixteen they hire!" he raged. What do they know about coats and selling? I can sell a hundred times better, with my experience! What's to know for Talk in English.? Mother had trouble. too. she signed up with an agency for work. They sent her out day after day to clean people's houses. Each day she came home weary dispirited. Well, they kept me today, but they said they really want a negro woman." Why do they want a Negro?" They lady negroes clean better. Are they crazy?" Father ranted. Rudy, rudy, please don't shout. I have another place tomorrow."I have a feiend who is negro, Joy said. Her name is Janet. I love her. You never knew any Negro In our place before. Mother said. They're immigrants, too. said joy. from Africa." father laughed. ' that was a long time ago. Bibian,' Mother said nervously, I want you to say home and play with your sister." We all knew Joy would do no such thing, but Mother had to say it.. For the next job Mother had to take three buses. She didn't get home until after seven and dropped into bed that night without even eating supper. Maybe I could get a job at a hospital," Mother said. with babies. As a young girl Mother had had training a ababy nurse:, she had looked after little babies in a maternity ward before she was married. She had brought her certificate along, kept in a leather case. The next day mother did get a hospital job, but only for three days a week. Mother! You can be with the babies!" I cried, knowing how much she adored infants. No," she said. They don't need anyone there. I'm hired in the wards." What do you mean, Mother?" gerlie asked. What must you do. I'm a a housekeeper," mother said. We asked no more question. Three days' work a week meant that at least we could buy food. Father made the rounds. He went to the garment district. 'Maybe later," people told him.' Now, we don't have any work. You have to get established first, meet people, have referrences. So Father went to work again as before, pedding neckties.. It's fine., he exclaimed. I get to meet people, important people in the garment industry. The buses are easy to catch, not like Mindanao, with those terrible subways, and no snow under the feet. This is a piece of bread! Cake,' I said. The grammar school was six blocks away. shelgen and I walked Joy to school in the morning, then caught the bus to the high school. After school joy waited for us on the corner. We'd been there just a few days when, as we headed home, we heard a commotion. Three high school boys were walking behind us, hooting and howling. Ignore them, Shelgen and I said in a low voice. One boy bounded up, shouting, Hey, you guys are Visaya, aren't you?" Shelgen and I put Joy between us. We walked faster. I was talkin' to you!" the boy said, his tone insolent, threatening. Yeah' .I replied loudly, swinging my arms,. " We're From mindanao. " I though so, ' he said. My heart was pounding with dread. Heil' Hitler!" all three boys now shouted from behind us. They shouted. Zeig heil! Zeig Heil!" and laughed hysterically. They would never realize what anguish the name Hitler caused us. We hurried home. Several days later, when Joy and I came home from the store, there on the stairs stood an elderly woman, blinking down at us. She looked frail, and her hand gripped the railing, the purple veins standing out sharply. Good afternoon, girls, she said in a low voice that was deep and teacherly. I am Miss Jones I live upstairs. We introduced ourselves. Miss jones looked at Joy for a long moment. Joy smiled up at the woman. Stay and talk with me a minute," the woman told Joy. I excused myself and went to put milk in the kitchen.

End Chapter 6

Chapter 7
A few minutes later, when I went out to look for Joy, she and the old woman were engrosed in conversation, something about the plants outside, the library several blocks away.' You can take out six books at a time," Miss Jones was telling Joy. I have a library card. You can get one too." But I don't have any money,' Joy said. Oh, it's free. Absolutely free. Free?" Joy exclaimed. Grace, it's free!" Maybe you will come up and readbto me some time," Miss Jones told Joy. You look like a smart little girl. I have known another little not a christian girls, who used to live up the street. She was very smart, too. We watched the old woman make her slow progresss up the stairs. It seemed an impossible journey. Inside, Joy asked me, How does she know we're Christian. I don't know.' Do we look different?" I don't thinks so.' act different. Maybe. Or maybe the landlord told her."
How would he know? oh', Joy, stop asking question. It is just one of those things we can't explain. Mother and father talked about it that night. Maybe we should have moved to another christian neighborhood.,' Mother said. No. I don't want to live in another place. Father said firmly. " We have to learn to live with other Americans, all kinds. If people all stick together, only their own kind, they never grow." We still have to grow, Rudy, at our age.?" They laughed. Then Father said soberly, I'm Sorry the children have problems." Problems we have everyplace," said mother.' Being alive is a problem. You are getting very wise, Girls. Life is teaching me, Raniel." In my diary I wrote. February 17,1952 Father me about Fanny Brice, A Christian girl who became very famous. We heard her on the radio.. I saw a picture of her in a magazine, too. and she is so glamorous! If you're famous, people don't care what religion you are, or even what race. I wonder what Fanny Brice lookedlike when she was my age. I am taking sewing again. I love my teacher, Mrs. Soriano. The sewing room is beautiful, with new machines. We are learning to make a peasant skirt. My teacher makes all her own clothes. That's what I want to do. She says you can have your own style, and that style is being different and not like everyone else. I wish I had a sewing machine at home. Three big boys followed us home from school. I was scared. I didn't let them know it, though! father says some Christian live in a ghetto, all together, and they never have any trouble. I wouldn't want to live ina ghetto. If people never get to know each other, they are always enemies. The werfels are catholic, and without their help in my place, I dont know what we'd have done. I even went to church with others once. and its was fine. If there is really only on God, what difference does it make how you pray to Him. Maybe it would be before if there weren't any separate religions at all. If people were all the same, they couldn't hate each other, could they? I'm going to make a little drawstring bag to go with my peasant skirt. I love things that match. Mrs Soriano has the cutest outfit, a flowered skirt and a white blouse trimmed with the same flowered material. She has style Father had paid back. Mrs. Jaspe, but then things god bad. Mother had to have a tooth filled. The stove needed repairs, and the landlord said Father had to pay. Father needed money to buy the ties that he peddled, and he needed shoes, for he walked a great deal and wore through the the soles. "It's not can get a loan from the agency," he told us. It's not charity. just a loan." Miss Joanne, the social worker from the agency, came to see us. She sat with her feet tight together, knees bared navy-blue suit with a large pin on the lapel, in the Shedley had come to make a report about our needs. 'You understand," she said,' that these loans are interest free, and are funded by several organizations. So we have to make certain that-uh- the need is real, and the money well spent. I understand,' Mother said sotfly. 'How many times a week do you eat mean?" Miss Joanne. asked. Two times," Mother replied. " Sometimes three. If there is a sale on hamburger, three times." Does Mr. Platt smoker?" Yes. That is a rather expensive habit,' said Miss Joanne she lit up a cigarrete of her own, drawing on it like a movie actress. I rushed tp get one of our glass star asthrays for her. She gave me a nod as she tapped her cigararette. I thought she was utterly fascinating--and horrible. In one way I longed to be like her, with long sleek legs, pretty shoes, and that fabulous silver pin. But she made me ashamed of my knees, of my shubby fingernails, and especially of my hair, which hung unevenly down, half-curling, half-straight. Well, I suppose one must have some vices,' she added, laughing, stubbing out her cigarette. Father rolls his own,' I offered. He has little machines. Sometimes he lets me roll one for him. I had to be very careful not to spill out bits of tobacco. Well,' isn't that nice," Miss Joanne said, giving me a stiff little smile. Miss. Joanne wrote something in her notebook. We three sat on straight chairs, watching her. Mother had said we must appear neatly dressed, combed, and quiet. Miss Joanne had been here for half an hour already:, ut seemed like eternity. She had pokes her nose into kitchen, opening the icebox to study the food standing a top the block of ice. She had looked at the stove, then peered into our bathroom, saying, My, my at the blood-red sink, then. she swished through the bedroom like an admiral making an inspection on shipboard. Mother followed her, looking distressed, sighing a great deal, trying to smile. You have plenty of space,' said the woman. Yes, yes. We are very satisfied," Mother said. She sighed. Have you found another job, Miss joanne Soriano? I understand" she checked her notes-- that you work only three days a week,' I am trying to get something else, too. I felt sick. Miss Soriano was so coil, so pretty and unruffled, and Mother sat there in her housedress, her voive trembling. You have been trying, then? You have gone on interviews?" Miss joanne's pencil was poised in the air. I went to a house yesterday,' Mother said.' The lady wanted a nurse for her children.' It is work I could do--I know everything about babies.' Well?" She did not like it that I.. my accent... she does not want a Spanish womann. She thought, from the telephone, that I was spanish, American and pilipino. I took three buses. She offered me nothing. Not even a glass of water.' Did she give you carfare home? asked. Miss Joanne. Yes.' That is all they are required to do. Mrs Jaspe. Mother looked down at her hands. I felt a terrible, burning shame and anger. In mindanao. gerlie, bibian and shelgen did all the cooking and washing and Marie was hired to clean our house. Mother never had to do anything except look after us and help Father entertain. Well, do you have other prospects, Mrs Jaspe?asked Ms. Joanne, Mother murmured to Girlie, 'What means prospects?" Other opportunities," whispered girlie, in Mindanao. "Oh yes,' mother said. She lifted her head, and now I saw a glint of pride in her eyes again. I am going to see a lady tomorrow. She lives in Village. A very one to clean her house, I think. A nice neighborhood. She wants someone to clean her house two days in a week.' Well, taht fine," said Miss Joanne. Do your daughter work?"No. They go to school. Miss Joanne pursed her lips. I mean weekends. After school. We don't want to foster dependence, Mrs Jaspe. people have to help themselves. My face burned. 'How was your last report card Gerlie, Bibian and shelge. Grace Joy and Raniel have their nice grade in school. Here the gym teacher in Bohol I got all A's, Gerlie replied and I too. .. I well fail fail if I dont get some Tennis shoes. We have to have tennis shoes for gym. Miss Joanne drew herself up, Her chest high. Well you should go to work if you need tennis shoes. You are immigrants, after all. You cannot expect other people to give you everything. I'm sorry, Girlie murmured. I did not mean..." Angency loans are not for shoes. Not for frills. Only for rent and food. Several papers fell down around her. Joy staring, had to be poked by Mother and told, Go pick them up!" You're a good little girl,' said Miss Joanne. When she had gone. Mother laid her head back against the sofa. The small room was hot and stuffy. We sat there the Six of us., motionless and silent. After a moment I ran into the kitchen for a white towel. I wound the towel around my neck as I rushed to Mother's closet and got into her high-heeled shoes and old blue jacket. Back in the living room. I paused to make my steps prescise, my bearing sterm. Mrs. Jaspe," Mother I said in imitation of Ms Joanne