I'd taken to camping with the men, even watching the skulking Malagasy on the other side of the border. One of the latest rifles in hand, some binoculars and a can of pringles.
And I'd done so all against the wishes of Luciano and Matthias who'd heard about it from Luciano the moment I abruptly decided to stay in the rough with the men instead of flying back to the capitol.
I'd let myself go. And it felt good. I offered Luciano no explanation for my unwarranted skills in fighting because I didn't care to and he could go on without knowing. For much of the time I'd been at the border, I'd looked upon everyone with many feelings.
Guilt, pride, joy, it was so much at once and I truly didn't know how I felt at all. A reoccurring thought as I fought many of the strongarm men in spars and challenges was 'What would I do if these men realize just like me that nothing really mattered. Least of all Schelar?'
The answers I provided to the question sent chills down my spine. The Malagasy would tear into us like we were a finish line. I felt a lot of guilt for lying to them, for taking the lie that we weren't most certainly doomed to all die so far that I acted strong, and I feared that soon the men too would realize my trickery.
I let myself laugh. My thoughts were always filled with cowardice, like a child in a dark room, they swarmed around only the negative. What I failed to realize was that the men weren't like me. They weren't hopelessly depressed and stricken with anxiety. It would take a lot more than an encroaching enemy to cripple their spirit.
"Sir, do you need anything else?"
The polite, dry and almost monotone voice of the flight attendant wakes me up from yet another monologue, I let on a smile and wave her off.
The sun was still rising on the horizon with a brilliant orange hue. We'd left quite early, apparently, in my army morning starts by Five AM. A rude discovery really but Luciano wanted me out of his base as soon as possible.
I remembered as the man dropped me off at the airport he held a stiff solemn look on his face like he too was convincing himself that everything would be just alright,
"Hasina," he'd called out, I turned around still groggy as I'd slept in the car on the way. My thoughts weren't so complex at that moment.
"Take care of yourself, Hasina. Matthias will be there if you need anything, anything at all Hasina, it's all been set up for you."
"What's all been set up?" I was confused and drowsy, thinking for myself what he meant wouldn't have been hard if not, but it was in that moment and I bet I looked just like a kid going off to boarding school for the first time because that's what he called me as he swiftly wrapped me up in a strong assuring embrace.
"Oh Gods, you're just a kid no matter what you do, Hasina." He patted my head ruffling my hair as my face lie flat against his chest wide-eyed and fully awake, "You've done the best anyone ever could for us. Someone like you doesn't deserve to die prematurely. Especially not by the Malagasy."
He pulled away at last, but I wasn't free of his grasps on my shoulders. He held me still and firm as he spoke with eyes filled with tears he wouldn't let fall. I was more than just surprised seeing Luciano like this. This wasn't the man I'd known to be wary of betrayal and death. What exactly was going on here?!
"Matthias and I have agreed, quite some time ago actually, and we've set up a safe route out of the country and into the Maldives, the Russian ambassador says that if things get to that point then the administration will take great consideration into your asylum requests! It'll be fine no matter what."
I blink as the surprise finally wore off and I complex thoughts form again, "And what of you two? If the worst happens we'll want to take back Schelar, I'll need your help."
He'd only shaken his head, given me another hug and left. It could be that that was the last time I'd ever see Luciano again.
This realization hurt.
***
It'd been a week since I arrived back at the capitol. A long arduous week filled with bad news and bathed breaths receiving no relief. Especially today.
I'd approved all the arranged works across the country for the agricultural part of the RDOS plan. The regions closest to the border wouldn't have the RDOS plan implemented though, no point pouring money where it'll burn.
With the agricultural part of the Namibian deal settled we'd need to up production to keep ourselves afloat as well as the Namibians. I'd called back the Minister of Agriculture to supervise the implementation and as far as he'd reported, things were going smoothly.
Although, it's likely he only says so to avoid displeasing me. The times were tense and everyone at the capitol with clearance to know or even clearance to find out through idle gossip were on their toes around me. Matthias said severally that the men at the border under Luciano's supervision had things handle and that I should simply relax.
Matthias was a hypocrite.
His eye bags hung even lower than before and his responses were as slow as his movement. The man had it taken it rougher than I. Especially today.
We sat in a large conference room, all the ministers were gathered, Niaina was present only on call and Luciano was giving the report through video call at the base.
We could barely hear him at first. Not over all the gunfire. But the gunfire alone was all we needed to hear to know what he was intent on reporting.
"Mister President," he began face grim and jaw sealed shut after each break in speech, "The border defence has begun, the Malagasy have attacked."
"We are at war."