That day, I realized that I would never be the lead character in my own story. No matter how I thought I could write my fate, I was just a pawn in this endless play of chess, a willing piece of the game that could only move forward.
I once thought to go to the North, a place where no one knew me, would be an escape from my wretched past and a chance to prove my life to have some worth, however little. Selfishly, I had agreed to it for peace of mind. Was I really any better than Princess Mingzhu, who used this alliance as a way to please the emperor?
My plans were initially to remove myself from my physical body when the barbarian touched it and to pretend to be solely a gifted inanimate object. Did the Sui not just want any person with the title of princess to show their domination over Liang?
But now, I must actually converse and tempt my future husband. I had to make him trust me, listen to me, and most importantly, willingly be influenced by me.
A part of me wished that I never knew the actual stakes of the mission, the weight of it crushing me from within. Yet, this was no longer about me but rather the culture I adored and the nameless people suffering. Of all the people at court like Princess Mingzhu who saw commoners as ants to pave her way, I knew the heavy price paid to simply survive in a chaotic and poverty-stricken world as current Liang. Just days before, I was among those nameless people.
I had to do something, right?
In all honesty, I didn't know what to make of it. Nor was I given a chance to reconcile before an invisible hand pushed me onward yet again.
"Fourth Princess, there will be a banquet in your name tonight."
"Fourth Princess, the Sui ambassadors ask that you leave with them tomorrow morning."
For all the events unfurling in my life, ironically and without fault, it seemed that I was always the last to know of the direction headed. All I wanted was a moment alone to take in this influx of news, but even I knew the impossibility of that hope.
The maids rushed by, preparing for my journey. My spare dress and old jewelry were discarded for silk and gems, said to be losing face for the Liang kingdom if I brought them along. My packages of herbs also met a similar fate as they worried that the Northern court would question them for potential toxins.
In just a few moments, I really had nothing left other than this title of the fourth princess of Liang. But at the same time, no matter whether I believed wholeheartedly in the emperor's words, this title was no longer an empty one.
The entire time, my aunt remained by my side, reminding the maids that they missed something potentially of use and nagging at me to remember to keep warm and not offend the Sui court. Only, when the empress stepped into the room, she immediately distanced herself and sealed her lips as the empress stared at me with her never-faltering smile.
"Youshi, it's time to head to the Grand Banquet Hall."
Gone was her modesty, and she donned a red gown brighter than the blooming peonies. With every swaying motion, the golden threaded phoenix on the back of it seemed to come alive.
She assumed a different aura as we walked, her hands folded perfectly together as she took steady paces, keeping her head held high.
Before the banquet hall even loomed into view, the sweet melody of lutes and the mouthwatering aroma of a feast greeted us, promising a fantastical land meant for the spirits themselves.
Step by step, we made our way up the stone stairs. As we closed the gap between the Heavens and us, blinding yellow light spilled from the interior of the banquet hall, overflowing in a way that captivated every dream of riches. Dancers who must have been fairies glided around the center stage, and accompaniment akin to heavenly voices harmonized with their movements. Piled atop every table were dishes painting tempting masterpieces. There was meat, fish, and exotic foods that I had never even seen before.
I tried not to look around with wild eyes as a country girl would, but the masses of colors were so tempting, beckoning for me to join their opulence. It was every bit the image I had of the palace initially, a carefree land governed by luxury alone that was unimaginable by us commoners.
Of course, the hall was packed with countless people with only two remaining empty seats. At the head sat the emperor, and an empty place was open to the right of him. Along the sides were officials and Sui ambassadors with what must have been a table left for me at the back. Unluckily, Princess Mingzhu was positioned right across from that seat.
The empress tugged on my sleeve. "Your Wife pays her respects," she said while curtsying to the emperor, her expressions confident. Hastily, I followed suit, replacing wife for humble servant, also trying to hold my posture with equal grace but instead finding myself shaking ever-so-slightly.
"Your Humble Servant welcomes Empress and the fourth princess." As soon as we completed our rituals, the people seated all rose and bowed. Even Princess Mingzhu was no exception. When I saw the masses of people beneath me, though I knew that none of them were willingly submitting to me, at the split moment, I felt the alluring power of the court and the carefully-crafted practices it took to maintain that sense of control.
Though this banquet was in the name of bidding bye to me, I was not at the center stage, hardly even mentioned. Even still, I kept my back straight. I would prove that I bore the last name of Xiao and was the emperor's daughter in title by acting like I was one.
But across from me, Princess Mingzhu's fluid actions came as if second nature in every casual movement. Unlike mine, her back wasn't stiff but rather poised. She cast me a look as she daintily wiped her red lips with a handkerchief.
In response, I forced myself to draw my attention away from her.
Following some must-have small talk and a few rounds of alcohol, the overall mood relaxed.
"Wow, I wish we could stay a bit longer here in the South. Our Honorable Emperor prefers to feast on coarse grains and vegetables," a Sui official teased, looking half-serious. "It is too much of a shame that we must depart early tomorrow morning."
Though I knew of my limited time, hearing it from these officials who seemed to have no care in the entire world, I accidentally knocked over my cup.
"Sister, you must be more careful than that," Princess Mingzhu resumed her acts. I had grown immune, more wary than anything.
"General Lin, look at your granddaughter, hasn't she grown up to be quite the poster princess!" The emperor exclaimed dotingly, motioning to the elderly man sitting closest to him. My mother chimed in as well, praising Princess MingZhu for her superior etiquette.
The man burst into hearty laughter, and I connected the dots. He must have been the kingdom's most famous general, the one in control of more than half of the armies. Even back home, we had often heard people thank him for protecting the country and making us safe enough to sleep at night.
If Princess Mingzhu was the general's granddaughter... I suddenly felt a wave of pity for the supposedly favored daughter. At least I was a knowing pawn. She was just a naive child crippled from being too spoiled, vying for her father's attention when larger plans were at stake. Then again, to not see through the acts was in itself the greatest form of mercy.
Even with mountains of savory food in front of me, I no longer had an appetite. Instead, I choked down sip after sip of alcohol in hopes that the vile liquid would help pass the time.
At first, the liquid burned every inch of my throat. But after a while, everything grew numb.
Maybe when I woke again, the curtains would be drawn and the play over. They all say to treasure each moment of life, but more than anything, I wanted it to elapse in just a blink of the eye. After all, what emotions does a puppet know other than the show must continue?