What is going? Things have change I can feel it but why? You used to stay away from me and now. If our eyes meet, you pull me in. I don't ever remember your stare holding such a heat on me. Maybe you can also feel the heat I sent to you, and what do you know. Now you not only hold my gaze, but you also make your way to me.
I can't explain how I feel with this change. All the gaze people give you no longer matter. You look like nothing else matters other then standing next to me. As if you don't care what others will say after this moment. I won't lie, this is very embarrassing. Being together like this brings back so many memories. Some of them are good moments I will never forget others are just imprinted until the day I die.
Why did we stop being ourselves? When did we ( in other words you) start caring what the world thought about us? Making us break apart. Separating us in more than just space.
Do you have any idea how many tears I shed when you pushed me away. The look of disgust I saw for the first time directed at me, covered under the look of a loving sibling eyes which by the way I won't ever forget. It gives me chills even till this day.
Being rejected by you was 1,000 times worst then all the bulling that came after. All the times I search for you were all in vain. I still don't know why you pushed yourself away from me and after a long time I quit trying to reach out for you.
Now after all this time now you are starting to reach your hand out to me. Trying to make an effort in closing the space that you created on your own. I don't know how to feel or think about this. Don't get me wrong trying to go back to the day where we could be together makes me all excited, but that doesn't stop me from being afraid of it too.
What if this is just a dream of some sorts of cruel joke and I take it for reality. And ones I wake up you will go back to being far away from me with a cold look in your eyes. Maybe this is reality but I have gone beyond normal help and can only be look at you from a clear glass. Being close but never being able to touch you again. Please let this not be a dream, I beg of you for all that you hold dear. Let me have this back. I don't want to loose it. Let it be real, let it be real that's all I every ask. I hope it's real and I will hope until my last breath for it that it is.
Can this be real? I really want this to be real, I don't want to go to those days where everything was black and white. And all I can think of is nothing other then the pain in my heart, and being a walking shell of the person I ones used to be.
I know I'm putting so much into my feelings of love and pain on you, but I don't know what to do anymore. I can't think about anything other then what may happen or won't happen. You can even say I'm back to being a new born child. If I take your hand again will I be happy again or will I be living a bigger nightmare.
CALM DOWN ME! I can't just let my whole life rely on one person anymore. I know I love you and will love you until my last breath but I can't just stay like this anymore. I- I want to try smile again. see the world with all it's colors. Get close to my old friends. I know some of them still belive I'll get better soon and I will.
Only after I get my life back in order and be my old self again can I reach for your hand again. Then and only then will I be willing to smile at you again. I'll start thinking about myself first. Hopefully my love wasn't just an escape route from my own problems and trully from my heart.
I know I would like to talk to you again about everything, but for now all I can do is talk to you at the best of my ability. Only when the time is right can I hold your hand and tell you how I really feel and even if you reject me again for real this time. I won't break down. I'll keep going forward with my head held high. I just really hope you can see me. But I'm not going to do this for you anymore I'll do it for me.
If we do split again I won't hold my breath and wait. I'll just keep on living with a smile on my face and hopefully you will be their even if it's just as a friend, but only time will tell. Till then I make my own difference. Hope you will too.