They were fighting.
She had her arms clasped around her neck, feet tapping madly against the floor as her soulmates stood crowded around each other in a circle. The staff with the security clearance—had signed NDAs and were sworn into secrecy—were busy changing set lists and solos, dabbing away at sweat and adjusting clothing.
She had a drink in one hand and Sieon's phone in the other.
It had a password that he'd been a little reluctant to give perhaps because of the cute message—AmberxSieon. But he'd stiffly messaged her a pleading text to not look at his private twitter accounts, and she was sure it was full of deranged porn. She promised him she wouldn't look if he didn't take a peek at her own stash.
They'd given her space, and that had led to a chasm that seemed to divide her from the group as if she had the plague. Her on the huge sofa, misted by the humidifiers, versus them—a group of six men and three staff members huddled around a coffee table pouring over the list.
They had six minutes to solve the issue.
"We'll do Love Crown and Renaissance, skip out on Endurance. We've got that loaded up as backup."
"But Sieon has to lift me in Love Crown."
"Then we skip out on Love Crown and we perform Em dash."
"Sieon's centre in Em dash. And I've got to reach stage left at the half-minute mark just to support you. Without Sieon I might miss a count—"
"Then you just have to go faster."
Hikaru glared, stabbing a finger on the paper. "It's the fastest I can go! We've tried this before, remember? This was the song that we swore to keep out of our list if we ever had a smaller team. We cannot do this. We just can't, so stop trying to make this one work!"
The frustration in his voice startled her more than she liked it to, and she held herself close begging her brain to stop thinking about how this was all her fault again. Because for God's sake she couldn't start her own little pity party while they were sinking in her shit storm. She dropped her cup on the table when it threatened to spill from the trembling in her hands.
"Then fuck it, we'll do…" there was an aggressive scratch of pen over paper, "the wet weather set list without the dancing."
"Who's covering Sieon's lines?"
"Hey," she called to them in that husky voice that she loved but just wasn't hers.
They turned to look at her, albeit with a tiny bit of hesitance. Their eyes were different, friendly but lacking in the warmth, the same type of love. It just wasn't the same as when she was in her old body. But she knew that they tried to remember, tried to tell themselves that it was her not Sieon because their smiles grew sweeter with each passing second.
They loved Sieon but not in the way they loved her. She could see it in their eyes, beside them the staff that had clearance seemed uneasy.
"I do remember how to sing some of your old songs," she mumbled, hoping to help even when she knew that she'd just proven to them on stage that she couldn't. "I could do something if you wanted me to."
They exchanged glances, quiet resignation sinking in their eyes.
"Love," Casper murmured, unable to look up and yet he had to as he met her eyes. There was the strangest look on his face, one that she didn't recognise. "Thank you for the offer, but I don't think—"
"Yeah," she sighed, hands in her head, looking away so that they didn't have to suffer under her gaze, "sorry, yeah." She nodded quickly, bouncing on her feet. "I'll just leave and find a quiet spot that's safe, just outside. If anyone asks, I'm struggling with some soulmate-related trauma that's strictly classified."
"Amber…"
"We'll talk after," she sat up, dusting her pants. "I'll get out of your hair and text Sieon."
They seemed lost for words, but her reminder sent them spiralling back into the action plan. She left, slumped over in the corridor that was empty and devoid of people. Her fingers were on the keyboard, clumsy from its unfamiliarity.
Amber [8:45] I'm sorry, this is all my fault.
The reply back from Sieon was instantaneous.
Sieon [8:45] Don't be, I love my baby monster that just let out an explosive shit all over herself. We're having a really good father and daughter bonding time, although I don't know if she knows that. Maybe she does, she's giving me the stink eye.
From the speed of his message, she knew that he'd been waiting for her to text him.
Sieon [8:46] But she seems to know that it's not her real Mama's boobs in her face which brings me to the question—do your boobs have a soul?
Her lips twitched and she smiled. Idiot.
Sieon [8:46] I'm tempted to evaluate that theory.
Amber [8:46] Touch them and then tell me what you think, you pervert. Are you already horny just because you grew a set of tits?
Sieon [8:46] It's fucking weird. I'm aroused because of the body I control. It's like some kind of twisted VR porn.
She choked, coughing into her palm.
Sieon [8:46] Sorry babe :(
Amber [8:46] You're looking at me in the mirror?
Sieon [8:47] It wasn't on purpose! Rumiko pissed on you while the nanny and I were figuring things out…Had to get some of it out of your shirt, then I decided that I should just strip and change. Your bra was in the way, one thing led to the other. Now I'm naked. We're naked.
That was totally an excuse, but her smile stretched wider and she shook her head.
Sieon [8:47] Don't be mad…
Amber [8:47] I'm just teasing you. Go explore your new femininity, I know you're curious.
Sieon [8:47] Your boobs look a bit different from your viewpoint. And it's heavy? I couldn't stand at first because of the change in the centre of gravity. It was so much fun swinging back and forth, holding on to these jugs just to stand.
She snorted. Trust Sieon to enjoy himself despite the situation.
Sieon [8:47] And I didn't know that your pussy lips aren't sensitive at all…Makes me feel like shit for stroking them that one time. Damn it you should have said something, or at least tried to explain!
Amber [8:47] It was funny watching you try. And what the fuck are you doing Eon…
Sieon [8:47] Calm down baby. Just wiping you down after a pee with one hand on this phone.
There was a pause.
Sieon [8:48] Do you want to talk about something more serious?
She exhaled, biting her lips.
Amber [8:48] I ruined your solo.
There was a lot of typing for a good ten seconds.
Sieon [8:48] Nope, you made me ten times more famous. I'm trending on Twitter, TikTok and Google. Thanks for the publicity.
Amber [8:48] It's because I sat on the platform and looked stupid. I panicked like an idiot instead of singing a song I've heard you sing a million times. I'm ashamed. I should have known those lines.
Sieon [8:48] Sweetheart.
She swallowed, feeling a lump swell in her throat as she buried her face in her arms. But it was not her face nor was it her arms which made her feel like a parasite sucking life out of her host.
Sieon [8:49] The performance was beautiful; you didn't screw up. I couldn't even fucking stand in your body and you think I would insist that you sing?
Sieon [8:49] And seven members performing a song meant for a solo? Do you know how many comments I got from my fans begging me to sing a line from MinJae's songs? You're a genius.
Amber sighed, nibbling on her bottom lip.
Sieon [8:49] Tell me you wouldn't have appreciated that performance.
Amber [8:49] Fine…I would have loved it.
She pursed her lips.
Sieon [8:49] Plus, I'm having lots of fun, I get to spend some time with our daughter, and I get a clit for a day! FUCK YES. Who knew I'd get to experience a body switch? By the way, feel free to rub one out if you need to, I'm sure that'll be fun <3
She snorted.
Amber [8:50] I'll try.
Sieon [8:50] Get the others to help you if you're not sure.
Amber [8:50] They can't look me in the eye, Eon. They've been patting my shoulders, bodies three feet away from mine. It's so weird.
Sieon [8:50] Ouch…That just tells me that none of those idiots think I'm hot.
He sent her an ugly sticker featuring a depressed chicken and she grinned.
Amber [8:50] You're best friends, Eon. They're confused. They see me and their souls see a girl but their eyes see a man.
Sieon [8:50] I promise you I'll suck you off even if you're in me, okay? That sounds so weird.
Amber [8:51] Sieon, you're crazy.
Sieon [8:51] I'm just a better man, one that's willing to suck his own dick to make his soulmate happy.
Those words made her laugh.
They took a group photo for their fans, with their arms wrapped around her waist and hands ruffling her hair.
They feigned a scene of playful banter and she smiled as brightly as she could with Sieon's lips pulled back and his eyes almost closed; a finger to the cheek just because his fans were savages for the adorable on a grown man. They pulled back just as quickly as they came when they got the picture, flinched as if fingers touched fire.
But she tried not to let that get to her.
She had to take a couple more photos just to ease their fears with cringey hearts on her fingers and a message that the social media team had written for her in his name. Officially, Sieon was diagnosed with vertigo and a bad throat which explained her quiet disappearance off stage. Their collective aid was a good move for PR, a pretty show of professionalism for the media, and a public display of virtuous brotherly love.
An easy end to the storm that just passed.
But the bite of awkwardness continued to stink in the air, and she knew from the looks in their eyes that there was more that they wanted to say. She'd heard MinJae muttering to staff behind her about cracked vocals and broken sound; had seen Oliver loiter just to listen to Hikaru blurt out the stress of a messed step.
But even worse, behind the tiniest of whispers, was the fear that she would stay. And that disquiet—honestly, it could have been just her hyperactive imagination—lurked over her shoulders like a shade. It led to a pulse in her temples, and a dryness on her tongue, a solemn angry voice in her head.
What a fucking burden you are.
Their concerns grew quiet when she passed, their eyes dragging over her frame. And she watched with an equally heavy heart, the crinkle in their brows and their inability to hold her. She called it 'the coldness of existing in a new body'. Then decided it wasn't fair to them for her to be so damn unpleasant about the situation.
So she chose to not speak instead, couldn't risk exposure, couldn't let their situation spread.
Amber had been silent when she listened to the call with the soul doctor, who'd assured them all that the situation should be temporary as long as she ate the pills. They were green and yellow, some huge, others the size of her baby's little nails, and she swallowed them straight without water.
They tried to keep it light over dinner, smiled and laughed two times harder, talked three times faster. It felt odd and she imagined this would have been what would have happened if she'd stayed in JieMi's body on the day they'd met. She imagined that this would have been what it would be like to meet her boys in the body of another.
They sat in a circle of concern, over a table of plastic takeout boxes. At least they tried to make her happier, got foods that she enjoyed: knife cut noodles, sweet and sour pork, frogs stewed in a clay pot of spring onions and oyster. It looked good, tasted divine, but her appetite was missing.
Their love was shovelled upon her, heaped over her plate as they took what they knew she liked from the plastic and placed it onto her bowl. The beginning of dinner was filled with meaningless chatter that they all knew was spoken aloud only to fill in the silence. But eventually someone just had to address the elephant in the room, eventually someone had to tackle the problem that tasted bitter on their tongue.
"Honestly, it could have been much worse," Ezra mumbled, attacking chicken on bone, the timbre in his voice was rougher than normal—dull. And her eyes stayed on her plate, fork toying with the vegetables. "Could have been a lift. We could have dropped someone mid body exchange, or we could have been dancing with fireworks behind our asses. No one would have known and we'd each collapse to the ground like fucking dominos."
She didn't have to look up to know that someone had glared at him to shut up from the way his voice trailed off soft and hesitant, then stopped firmly to echoed breaths that whispered across the room. She smiled, a low chaff through the nose, and her teeth felt wrong in her mouth when she spoke.
"Right," she answered, more for them than for herself. "Would have been a catastrophe if I dropped JieMi on stage, broke all our arms. Knowing my luck, I'd be on the news for weeks, but I'd say the stunt I pulled today's going to be immortalized in your history. Hope none of you mind."
"We don't," Hikaru answered quickly, raising his eyes to meet hers. But they flickered with strange light that she just knew for sure was him chanting the phrase in his head, 'this is Amber, this is Amber, this is Amber.' His handsome face contorted into one akin to constipation. It would have been funny if the situation was different.
"Yeah," she bit lips that felt too thin, "of course you don't."
For a beat she prayed for someone to stand and proclaim cheery and good-natured that this wasn't controllable. That like her menstrual cycle and the seasons, this was just the natural phenomenon of things. The strangeness of fate.
But all she heard was the scratch of utensils over porcelain filled with unspoken words, the hiss of the humidifier soaking their throats. Then a second too late her validation came in the form of Casper's false cheer.
"Alright guys, this is a wonderful opportunity for family time. It's so nice to eat together like this again," He spoke with a smile that dimpled, then faded when he looked at her. "Don't worry about the performance, okay Eon—No, Amber—Fuck, sorry. I'm—" he let out a low groan, sexy when it coiled out of his throat, "I'm running on three hours of sleep."
She snorted. "What were you doing?"
"Hm? Oh, planning," he wet his lips as if he had more to say, then clarified quickly for her suspicions. But his voice filled with lies, and she knew he wasn't telling her the truth just from the twitch of his eyes. She knew him that well. "Remixed a few songs. Work. You know, the usual."
"Right."
She rubbed her hand on her neck, stretched out kinks that now weren't there in her new body. Then frowned when the stretch and the soft cracks didn't happen. The quiet that continued was unnerving and she glanced up to see them with their eyes on her face. They looked away almost immediately, ashamed.
"Is it that weird?" she sighed, sucking on her lips.
The way they were acting made it seem as if she'd grown two heads and had dicks for eyes, but she supposed it must look odd to see Sieon with different habits. And for that she understood now that the awkward silence in the air wasn't about the situation.
It was because they didn't know how to act with her in Sieon's masculine, male body.
"It looks like Sieon's acting," Oliver answered with a hesitant smile, no longer sunshine and rainbows, but a storm brewed in his eyes. And his brow was tipped in irritation, a scowl forming on his handsome face. "We'll get used to it, of course but it's unnerving."
"I know we've all experienced body exchange," MinJae tried to explain quickly for him, "but I haven't interacted with you in the body of another. And you're in him for so damn long. It's like a fish flopped on land and is now acting like a cat."
Casper nodded, brushed his curls back with long fingers. "He's right. It's just cool? Like a science experiment."
Amber exhaled, feeling the stretch of awareness crawl over her skin. "So I'm like a mutant rat." They all winced collectively.
"It's not that bad. And honestly? I could accept it if you exchanged with another. The problem is he's an aspiring actor, and he's ridiculously good. So this doesn't feel genuine to me?" Ezra cracked a knuckle, anxiety tapping through his feet. "I'm anticipating his reappearance any second now. For him to just fuck me up and laugh."
She raised a brow. "So you're saying, I could be Sieon lying to your faces that I'm Amber just because everyone misses her."
"Fuck no, that would be a low move," Ezra barked out a laugh, but he squinted at her. "Right?" And she saw the hesitance in his eyes. "Right? Amber?" It was enough for her to slap a hand to his arm with a laugh that was too husky for her liking.
"Ezra! It's me!"
"I'm sorry, baby," he winced, placed his fork down, "I know, I know."