It's fine to put her down in the crib and leave her alone, you know? He'd told her with a piteous smile that told her that her situation was heart-breaking and unfortunate. It won't hurt her to cry for a while until you can collect your thoughts. It's better for you to reduce your frustration and come back when you're feeling better. We don't want to accidentally hurt the baby.
His words stung her and she felt tears blossom in her eyes.
Those feelings are okay. It is perfectly normal to feel frustrated. He'd smiled, patting her back. I felt the exact same way with my second child. You've got to take care of yourself too. Babies like this are tough. Do you have people at home that can help you out?
I've got a nanny that cares for her at night, she'd explained through a rush of tears that stung her nose, and when my soulmates are back home from work they look after her.
You need that Mama. You need that. He sighed, patting her daughter as she wailed and fussed. She'll grow out of it soon, I promise you. She will, but for now it'll be hard. I'll give you formula that's easier on her stomach. We'll see if that's the problem, okay? Then we'll work through it.
Okay.
What about you? He'd smiled. Do you need anything?
What?
Anti-depressants could help in this situation.
She'd gaped at his words, too stunned to speak, when she did it was choked out and forced. I don't feel depressed. I-I still enjoy eating and I can appreciate things. I'm not empty inside. I—
Alright, if that's what you feel. But I can refer you to a good postnatal depression therapist if you need it. A child like this...He'd shook his head. I had a difficult child too; it was dark times. We all need a little help, someone to talk to when things get too rough. A little medicine helps the soul.
She'd left the hospital with her wallet missing a few hundred dollars and feeling a tad disturbed by his comments. She didn't feel depressed, she didn't act like a depressed person. Or was she? She was just stressed up with a baby that kept crying, everyone would feel like shit with a baby that seemed to hate living.
Who wouldn't be miserable?
And she was miserable.
Just miserable.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Just miserable.
The doctor's words stung her and that night her baby still couldn't stop crying, weeping for hours and hours despite everything she'd done. The acid reflux blockers, the new formula, gas drops, the gripe water, the probiotics and the medicine. The earplugs that remained perpetually in her ears just so she could withstand the level of noise her baby was making.
What used to work didn't work, and she was left pacing to rising screams. She felt like a balloon, a ball of deep rage, a monster lurking beneath the Earth. She felt like the sun that roared and begged to burn all that drew close, like the phantom giants that crushed her fragile soul into smithereens. The constant knot in her chest tightened further, harder and more. It swelled.
It hurt to be a failure.
Tears dripped down her cheeks as her baby cried and cried. It hurt Amber to see Rumiko in pain. It hurt more to feel as if she were the one causing the pain. And there was nothing she could do but witness such pain and suffering, to bear the brunt of a child that would not stop crying. It was a no brainer for Amber to put the baby down in her crib and leave her alone for a while.
She had to.
She had to for violence raged in her limbs and energy tore through her muscles. An anger that consumed her and threatened her so hard that she'd hastily left Rumiko in her bed. Her fingers were releasing Rumiko as fast as she could. The baby was in her arms and then she was not.
She had to before she did something stupid.
Amber'd walked to the furthest part of the house and sat down, hands covering her ears. She'd listened to the loudest music she'd ever played through headphones in her entire life. The soft ballads from her soulmates' albums were blasted into her ears. She'd held herself, curled and warm on a soft bed and a weighted comforter. For a moment she had sighed and smiled to music that made her feel eons better.
She was at peace.
She was okay.
She stood when she was ready, moving towards the door. Her eyes widened when the darkness was replaced by light. And like angels on her judgement day, instead of the nanny her soulmates stood before her eyes shushing the quietly sobbing baby in their arms.
Their horror was electric.
Rumiko, like the asshole she was, went quiet in their arms almost like magic. She made soft pitiful sounds, little gurgles that pushed the illusion that they seemed to have concocted in their heads. Their eyes were daggers when they'd looked at her; each dripping with their own stress from work.
Their first meeting after days: an absolute disaster.
Her lips worked faster than her mind. "I-It was just temporary- I wasn't going to leave her alone for too long—"
"What are you doing?" Sieon had snarled, eyes flashing with so much hatred she'd been stung. "You can't just leave her in her crib all day! Have you been doing this all the time? All this damn time?"
"T-the doctor said it was fine, I was stressed out—"
"If you can't do it then just admit it, please Amber. Please," JieMi had exhaled through pinched breath. "You can't do this to her. Please." He held Rumiko, eyes wide and shaking as he stared at Amber with a gaze that told her exactly how he felt about the situation.
Disgust. Anger. Fear. Confusion. Betrayal.
Why? Why? Why?
She flinched knowing full and well that the edge in their voices meant that something had fucked up at the concert. That the stress was surely borne from the jetlag and the flight they'd taken just to rush home. They were wound up tight just as she was, and they weren't in their right mind.
They needed more fucking sleep for better decision making.
"She was fine. I promise. She is fine," she'd said, biting her lips, begging that her fatigue stayed quiet and solemn. She didn't need it demanding for more, she didn't need it fuelling her already rising frustration and panic. She didn't need it clouding her judgement. "I took her to the doctor today—"
"She's sick? How did she get sick?" Oliver's eyes widened and his face, always so damn loud and expressive had curled into distrust, confusion then a squinted stare in her direction. The blame was cast, a net thrown at her direction.
He suspected her.
"N-No she's not germy sick. But the doctor said she might have a stomach problem, like stomach acids—"
"Did you burp her properly? Good God. Amber, I know," Hikaru groaned, his eyes roaming from her child to her. She knew he wasn't thinking straight, her words were poisoned in his mind from their conversation. He was biased, his thoughts were coloured with judgement. He didn't understand. "I know it's hard. We know you don't like her. We know she ruined your dreams but please Amber, this is our baby—"
"I wasn't hurting her on purpose—" her breath caught and tears began to fall following the perpetual tear tracks that never left her skin. "What the fuck?" She laughed. "What the actual fuck?"
"Language—" Casper started.
"I know I'm a fucked-up mom," she snapped, "I know I'm the worst mom in the world. I know that, okay? But you know how Rumiko is like. She's colic, she doesn't want to be happy, she fucking hates living. She's a miserable baby and I'm barely surviving with her—"
"Don't blame the baby-This—" MinJae glanced at her, worry thick in the curve of plump lips. But instead of a fight, his face revealed his acceptance. He didn't give her any chance to explain, only a gentle understanding that she didn't want or need. It disgusted her. "I think you need help—"
"What?" She'd gaped at him.
"It could be baby blues, you're not okay. I've been seeing the way you react." He exhaled through closed eyes, then opened them wide, arms outstretched towards her for a hug. "Come here darling." But at that moment she only saw a collar to her neck, the walls of a cell, the clamp of a crocodile's jaw upon prey. His words were infantilised her problems. "We'll see a doctor tomorrow, okay?"
Fuck did it hurt to hear him talk about her as if he knew her better than she knew herself, as if she didn't understand the emotions that swirled in her chest. She was trying couldn't they see that? She was trying!
"I'm not that fucking depressed that I'll hurt my own damn kid," her voice was soft, dangerous. Cold. It was a blizzard in the household, even Rumiko seemed to be able to read the room, growing soft, her wails were bubbled hiccups.
"We know you won't hurt Rumiko," Casper answered back carefully. They shifted, there was an exchange of gazes; a foreign language she didn't understand. Or did she? "Of course, we know you won't." He didn't need to finish his sentence for her to read the rest of his unsaid words. But you would in this state. You would if you knew what you're doing.
But she knew what she was doing.
She was okay. She was actually okay. She felt better after that break.
Or was she okay?
Their words stung her because the truth was Amber didn't know which side of the tightrope she stood on. Was she already falling into the depths of depression or was she still struggling to breathe? And with their accusatory gaze she was afraid and ashamed. She felt like a loser, like a failure, like a shitty mother.
She felt everything and yet nothing.
And thus all she wanted to do was deny as hard as she could.
SHE WAS OKAY.
"You're not happy, you don't look fine. Things will get better with professional help—" MinJae repeated like a mantra as they closed in on her moving towards her. "Medicine, therapy?"
But through her eyes, she saw JieMi pulling Rumiko tighter to his chest. She saw Sieon covering them with his body. She saw her soulmates closing in on her with her daughter protected behind their backs.
She saw zookeepers trying to protect a tiger cub from its own mother. She saw people that wanted to sedate her emotions on pills that could potentially flatline everything she could feel. And she felt humiliated as fuck.
"Would you fucking quit it?" She'd groaned, hands to her temples. The flashing lights from sheer exhaustion was sharp and throbbing at the back of her head. "I'm fucking exhausted, okay? We all are. All of you are exhausted too."
"But that doesn't mean you can neglect our child. Amber..." JieMi began to say with all the wrong words and the wrong tone of voice.
"Fuck you." She'd snapped. "Go fucking google this shit. I'm not fucking neglecting our angry baby." Her exhaled breath then the bark of tearful laughter was sharp in the air. "Try taking care of her alone, for hours and hours. Couldn't you just stop thinking for her for just one second, just one little second and try thinking for me too?"
They were silent after her outburst, noticeably disturbed by her behaviour. It scared her, how little time it had taken for her soulmates to feel like strangers. It scared her to see them so different from what she knew. And she closed her eyes not wanting to see more.
She didn't need to.
"I'm going for a walk."
"Wait Amber—" Casper began to say as she pushed past them towards the door. He rushed to her, scarf in one hand. "Wait, take your coat it's cold at night—"
"I'll—" she glanced back at them briefly, her voice was sad and lonely. Small. "I'll be back...Don't worry." She smiled.
Then she turned and left, not looking back.
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A/N: Read 50+ chapters ahead on Patreon patreon.com/tinyeyecat