He stormed out during his break, tears full in his eyes, begging to spill. He saw her in the empty corridor, saw her stepping towards the door. And it didn't take much for him to pull her to the wall, slam her body against it, pin her hands above her head, tighten his grip on her wrist. Her eyes portrayed her confusion, her brows cricked and it pushed him to speak. It pushed him to do things that he wouldn't do.
And somehow this time, he could do it.
"I wish I could turn back time," he murmured, mad and crazed, panting hard as he breathed in her scent. "If I knew I wouldn't have done it. And I don't want to, I don't want to give anything to her, I don't want to know her. I want to pretend. I want to pretend that I'm okay." He heaved, body shaking so hard that he was sure he would collapse. "But I'm not okay. I'm not okay, Amber."
"JieMi, breath please, breath." His beautiful girl was worried, her eyes wide as she lay limp in his grip, shocked at how he was reacting. It was unlike him, unlike him to cry, unlike him to break, unlike him to burst apart at the seams. But she didn't know that he'd been hiding it all inside.
Or maybe she did now when she hugged him tight in that bed, and maybe she did know when she fed him soup. Maybe she did know when she held him close when his world was collapsing. Maybe she knew all along, but she was waiting for him to say it.
He'd been burying everything and now, everything was spilling.
"I pretend sometimes, and I know it's all in my head, that my wishes aren't real. That the fantasies the illusions, that the fact that you're here in my arms. The dreams that I wake up to that seem so real that I just can't stop crying. It's all lies. Lies. And I know I can't have it. I can't. I can't."
"JieMi, JieMi…"
"I would." Tears began to drip from his eyes, blurring his vision. "I would run away if I could. I would move, I would just go. I wish I could fuck society, fuck expectations, fuck life, fuck the world. Fuck fans. Fuck expectations. Fuck cancel culture. I don't want to give somebody else things that I…That I would…It drives me so damn fucking crazy to know that-that…"
"What JieMi? What?"
"THAT YOU'RE NOT MINE!" He was panting as his lips trembled, bitten raw and bloodied. And the tears were flowing so hard that it drew shuddering sobs from his body. "That I'm not a part of your family. That it's you and them, and there's me. Always just me. And I'm so alone. I'm always so alone. And I know it's all my fault, that I did this to myself that you and I..."
He was kissing her, kissing her so hard that he wished, he wished it wouldn't end. He tasted her on his tongue, tasted the rust of his blood, the saltiness of her tears and the sweetness that was all her. He was consuming her, his breath robbed from his chest and he didn't want to part even when his lungs screamed for air. But he knew he had to and when they parted, his body lurched, expelling the secret that drove him straight to the grave. A secret that tormented him for so long that his soul broke.
"I got her pregnant."
His heartbeat sped faster and faster, soaring higher as he spoke, and with the words out he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop even when the door opened, and the team entered, loud and noisy, worried for their soulmate. He didn't stop even when her eyes darted to them and back to him. He couldn't stop now that he started.
And he didn't give a shit anymore.
"I got her pregnant, and she'll ruin us if I leave." He could hear himself talking as he sat at the back of his head, lifeless and unmoving. "She'll tell them all that I raped her, that I fucked her raw on purpose, that I beat her. That I tried to kill her, that she's depressed, suicidal. She'll tell the world lies and things that never happened. She'll expose everything, m-my fucking nudes, my messages, my things. My fucking mistakes. The group, our success, you. Everything will go down. Everyone will go down, just because of me. The world will hate us. They'll hate us. And I can't do this anymore. I can't but I have to. I have to. Because, because…"
I love you.
*
Amber
Amber had experienced pain like no other, a rejection from her soulmate, the breaking of soul bonds, the loss of her future. But nothing, nothing would top the feeling of looking at JieMi sobbing at her feet. Nothing would top the feeling of watching desperate tears spill down beautiful creamy cheeks, eyes glittering red and full with stars.
Distraught, wretched, despaired.
So much damn fucking despair. It spilled from his skin in waves, connected to her heart like venom pumped into her system and she was feeling his pain. She was feeling his anguish, his desolation, his misery. And it hurt. It hurt more than a cut in her skin, more than the punches to her face, more than even the ripping of her freshly created soul flowers.
She'd wanted to push him, wanted him to break so that he would spill the reasons for his actions. And there was a time when she had wanted his pain, she had yearned for his regret the same way a lion would thirst for the blood of its prey. But she didn't expect his pain to burn through her veins, send her heart squelching and twisting, clawing at her bones. And a surge of bile, of burning hatred for the person who did this to him coiled heavy in her stomach, along with the flames of guilt that chilled her heart.
Some of it had been her fault, some of his pain, and it scared her because how much more would it
Her fingers were shaking when they wrapped over his trembling body, shaking when they held him tight, clung tightly to his weakening frame. And his eyes, swimming with so much damn tears, gazed up at her, doe-eyed and ever-so sweet. His lips moving as he continued to spill all his sins, a broken record that couldn't stop once it had started.
"I-It wasn't the first time. This isn't the first time. M-my children, there were more. More." JieMi swallowed, lips trembling as another dry sob strangled a gasp from his lips, his own words drawing tears from his eyes. Each a virtual stab through his broken heart. "I didn't know it was so easy f-for non-soulmates to have kids. I wouldn't have if I had known-You. You." His lips twisted and his eyes dripped with rivers of hot tears that soaked her skin.
More than one child. Amber swallowed thickly, mind barely wrapping around all the information he was giving her. They would be weak; they wouldn't have survived. It would be too difficult, too hard for them to live. Non-soulmates weren't supposed to have children, in the first place getting pregnant should be hard.
Too hard.
But miracles did happen, and life was unpredictable like that.
"And-And she threatened me again on that day. She told me if I left she would kill my baby too, it and her. And me. It was the day you-you—" the day she almost died. "I couldn't-I just couldn't accept it. I just I didn't know what to do. It's all damn fucking excuses but I just didn't want to face it all—And you collapsed, and I-I—" He started to sob, shaking so hard that his body would seize with each breath. "My fault. All my fault. I'm sorry."
And her soulmates…Her eyes flittered over their faces for a moment. Horror, shock, realisation, understanding, pain, concern, fear. This was big, too big. And JieMi had given up too much of himself to Ha-Eun, at the cost of it all paid back in blood and pain. Tears pricked in her own eyes, at the regret that spilled from his frame in thick heavy fumes that turned the air bitter.
"You d-don't know how much I—" JieMi swallowed back another sob, wide-Bambi eyes fluttering. "How much I wish. I wish this would all just end. How much I wish to just let go, but I can't. I can't- and everything hurts. The walls just feel too close, everything is just so loud, s-so loud. I can't sleep. I can't sleep anymore. I just want to sleep." He started to cry harder, sobbing into his palms as he shook his head.
No, baby, no.
"I-I considered. I considered many things. I wanted to run. I wanted to just-just—" He swallowed thickly, licking dry lips as he sniffled. "I thought of it. I thought of it. How much more peaceful it would be, how much less of a burden I would be, and h-how my heart wouldn't hurt anymore. I-I thought if I did it, I wouldn't hurt anymore."
Don't say it.