She laughed, the sound lost and sad. She hated herself for being so scared. She swallowed thickly, clenching her fists tightly. What was she going to do? She needed Ezra. She—She— Her fingers fumbled with her phone as her mind reminded her of their connection online and she swiped through her contacts for his number. She flicked open the messaging app—
Blocked.
Ezra blocked her. What the fuck? Did he really think so little of all their interactions together? She furrowed her brows, confused. This entire time had she been the only one in the relationship pining after him?
Her head...It hurt just thinking about it and something within her shrivelled and wept. Her lower lip trembled at the thought. And she let him kiss her too! Hell, she let him see her in her—
God.
She ran her nails over her arms, digging into her skin. And she was out of the house the minute his boyfriend came back. She didn't understand, couldn't understand. Weren't they just partners? Best friends?
He had explained it so clearly to her, segmenting his relationship with MinJae away from love so carefully that she had dropped her guard. Had all that been a ploy to get into her pants? Get the audio he wanted? She felt like a loser.
She groaned. All this time...Fuck. Weren't soulmates supposed to love one another? Weren't they supposed to be made for each other? How could he say all of that to her? Didn't he champion for soulmates and love? Hadn't he been the one who wished for her to be with her soulmate? Yet he—
Her nose stung and she swallowed thickly. Those words were harsh. Too harsh, even for him! She sniffed, feeling the tell-tale sign of tears lumping in her throat. Don't cry damn it. She told herself, pinching her nose desperately. Just another case of bad luck and stupid males.
Amber sighed, sitting down on the luggage, feeling small and cold. She was not exactly well dressed in this weather. Her outfit, courtesy of the hotel, was not really enough for the temperature.
She hunched her back, letting the wind slap at her face and steal the warmth from her clothes. Tears burned at the back of her throat and she squeezed her arms feeling sorry for herself. She didn't feel so strong anymore, just sad and small. She pressed a hand to her forehead, covering her eyes.
She didn't know what to do.
"What are you doing here?" The voice. She knew that voice from anywhere. Hell, she was used to that damn voice herself.
"Go away JieMi," she sighed, not bothering to look at him. "I'm not in the right mental state to talk to you right now." Her voice was weird. Kind of pitchy and off, it sounded drained. She just felt numb and cold.
"It's so cold and you're dressed like this? Are you trying to kill yourself?"
Why did he have to say that? Her emotions bubbled within her, angry and fierce. She was bristling with her frustration, on the verge of tears, and ready to lash out at the person who started all her problems.
"Why do you fucking care, huh?" She growled.
Her voice was at its deadliest, her tone icy with her distress. She couldn't help it. Her emotions were simply spilling. She wanted to attack him, attack him viciously like an animal locked in captivity that was angry at the world.
She raised her head, utterly disgusted at herself when her body warmed at the sight. JieMi stood before her, as pretty as always, docked out in a turtleneck and a long brown coat.
A fluffy scarf was wrapped around his neck to conceal his features. His pretty eyes were wide as he stared at her, shock painting his beautiful face. Beautiful. Mentally, she laughed at herself. She was so stupid, always getting tricked by pretty boys and beautiful soulmates.
Amber's mind darkened, reeling as she continued welling deep within the bowels of her demons. The once pretty pastel pink and yellow hues of her thoughts dripped into an ugly green and dark grey.
She used to think she was lucky, but now she wondered what she had done in her previous life to warrant such suffering in this one. Hikaru might want her now, but he'll hate her soon. Her demons were whispering in her ears, their voices cheery and light.
Sieon might like her now but he would throw her away once he realised what kind of whore she was and Oliver? He would leave her too. They all would, just like JieMi. Just like Ezra.
They would go.
"You're crying," JieMi gasped, his voice turning into a soft hushed whisper as he spoke.
She didn't like that look on him. The way his pretty brown, chocolate eyes shone with sorrow and pity. Pity. She hated it. The hazel filled with unshed tears, watery like the muddy pools in potholes when it rained.
"Fuck you," she replied, her lips stretching into a taunting smile. One that pulled across her face with great difficulty, it hurt her to smile. Her emotions roared, bubbling out of the pot within her and she lost it.
She officially lost it.
"Happy?" She snorted, rolling her eyes through the tears. She couldn't stop them now and all she could do was bite anyone in the vicinity with her words. Her eyes blurred. "I will finally die on this fucking street."
The tears flowed, dripping down her cheeks. She relished in them, welcomed them, especially since JieMi's face seemed to take direct hits with each droplet. "Hm, fantastic right? No more soulmate to bug the fuck out of you. No need to take soul suppressants by the bottle."
He paled. His eyes widened at her words and she could literally see the blood drain from his face, turning his cheeks from a soft pink to a ghastly white. His mouth opened and closed a few times like a fish. A stupid fish.
"H-huh?" The word escaped his lips like a breath of air and it tore at her. It pissed her off, it destroyed her. She wanted to destroy him too, in exchange. She liked that expression on him and she wanted to push it, push it further and further. She wanted him guilty. She wanted him wrecked by his conscience. She wanted him to know her pain.
She was selfish.
"You think I'm stupid?" She smiled pleasantly at him. "Let me spell it out for you. I experienced a soul flicker and fucking teleported to the destination of my soulmate only to discover that hey!" She laughed at this, a sad bark of giggles. "He's coming inside another girl and he's telling her he loves her."
She watched with almost sadistic glee as his expression shrivelled, going paler by the second. His eyes were round with his shock, a thousand emotions flickering across his dark orbs.
"But I—" He swallowed, but she didn't allow him to continue. How could he speak when she had kept silent for so long?
She snorted. "And then, minutes later he's telling his friends that he doesn't want his soulmate, doesn't need her and will do absolutely anything to end it." She shrugged. "Popping soul suppressants. Fun. How fucking easy it is to end your soul bond."
She slumped back on her suitcase and the bills that Ezra had given her fluttered to the ground. It was whatever she was worth to him, just another wad of cash. Her lips twitched, watching as JieMi hastily bent to pick it up. His hands were shaking a little as he worked.
A distraction.
He should not be allowed to have such luxuries.
"I didn't mean for you to see t-that," he stammered out. He wasn't so strong now, wasn't so annoyingly snappy and she enjoyed seeing him lost for words. She enjoyed seeing him struggle. "I didn't mean to"
He could not continue and she saw it in his face. In his eyes as he struggled, ashamed, disgusted at himself. His lips were trembling, his breath coming out in quick, short pants. He was in shock, horrified. More importantly—
—Guilty.
Something within her called for him, sad and lonely like a whale without a song. It sang, voiceless in her chest for its mate.
Its useless fucking mate.
"Just fuck off," she spat out, jumping off her suitcase and pulling it along. Go away, her mind told him. Go away and never come back. It said. Her useless soulmate followed her helplessly with her cash.
Stupid.
"But your money—" She whipped around, angry as she spoke.
"Keep it. Your girlfriend wanted her damn coffee, right? Well, go and buy her all the damn coffee she wants forever." She stabbed a finger into his chest. "I told you. I don't need you and I don't want you. The feeling is mutual. Mutual." She repeated.
Her words. They didn't sound so strong anymore, with her eyes red with her tears. They sounded pathetic and anybody could see the lie in her voice. Even someone as stupid as JieMi because his expression simmered into horrified guilt as he stared at her, silent.
She continued walking to him. "I hate you so much JieMi. I hate you." She finished in English. "I HATE YOU!" She spoke in Chinese this time, her tongue curling awkwardly over the words of his mother tongue but he seemed to get it because he flinched. "Go away! Go away! "
She inhaled and exhaled. "LEAVE ME! GO!"
Her head swam, her eyes were blurry and heavy as she stood there, swaying in the wind. Her mouth opened and she could hear herself talking from deep within her body.
"Don't eat the soul suppressants. MinJae too." She drawled, her voice dragging in its drowsiness. "It hurts you and me. Us. Everyone. Everything is wonky. Our souls, our emotions, our thoughts."
She murmured as she stepped forward, her head stinging. "Listen, you don't have to do anything, I-I'll stay around here so that you can live peacefully." JieMi stepped forward instinctively, his hands raised.
"A-are you okay? Hey!"
So annoying. She sighed, her body snuggling against something warm that smelled like vanilla and pears. She wanted to eat it.
"I don't deserve all of you," she whispered, nuzzling into the warmth. Someone held her and her cold body felt good in this new warmth. "I never did and I never will."
Someone must have turned off the lights because she remembered nothing more except the darkness and the warmth.