8/11
I was kind of getting used to not seeing Joshua for a few days at a time, but I never felt that great when he wasn't around. The feeling I got that night was different than any I felt when I simply missed him. I felt scared of…something. I don't know what it was, but it was unlike any other moment when I got scared. This time, I didn't know what I was afraid of.
One of the things that I hate about myself is that when I'm sad or angry or just feeling down, it usually shows. I try to hide it, but it's impossible. The odd thing was, this time no one noticed. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm the kind of person who wants everyone to know every detail of what's going on in my life. I prefer to hide that kind of stuff, but someone almost always asks me what's up. I felt a little glad, since I would feel stupid telling them what I was really feeling, and then find out that it was really no big deal.
Before I continue, I should probably tell you about Vim. It's really V.I.M. and it stands for Virtual Instant Messenger. The name says it all: you make a virtual person and enter a virtual world. It's pretty simple once you get into it. In the virtual world you can do pretty much anything, but chatting part is probably my favorite. Vim is where my whole 'two-lives-at-once' world started.
I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but I met some people and became friends with them and chatted with them regularly. At first Vim seemed like a place where you could escape from your problems but then people started doing 'taken' and what not. Vim is somewhat heavily monitored but that didn't stop anyone from having boyfriends and girlfriends over the web.
The date was August 11, and I was in Vim with some friends, one of whom was Joshua's brother. It was kind of late at night, it was around 9pm here meaning it was somewhere around 11pm there. I was used to Joshua not being around as much as before, but still I asked Michael what Joshua was doing. Michael said that Joshua wasn't home and that he had been busy lately. We both thought it was kind of weird that he still wasn't home and when Michael tried to call him, he said there was no signal. That's when I really started getting worried but didn't show it. Some of the other people in the room just said they were kind of worried too but let it go. Of course I couldn't let it go, but it didn't worry me too much.
I was just talking to Michael when I all of a sudden got a message from him saying he had to go. Something had happened to Joshua.
I read the message about fifteen more times and finally decided to delete it. Right as I did, I got another message from another friend telling me the exact same thing. Then the sadness mixed with the annoyance, which mixed with the loneliness, which mixed with the confusion and I pretty much blew up. I started crying uncontrollably.
Right as I had logged out of Vim, I got this weird but familiar feeling. Kind of like the goosebumps and chills at the same time, and turned around to find my sister standing by my door.
"Can I help you with anything?" I asked her, trying to sound polite and hide the fact that my voice was shaking.
"Why're you crying? I could hear you all the way in my room," she asked in an annoyed voice.
"Why do you care? And could you leave? I'm a little busy at the moment," I answered showing her I was just as annoyed by her being there.
"Whatever, I just came to tell you dinner is in five minutes. Gosh…" she said as she left the room.
Normally we had dinner around 7:30 but that night my dad was running a little late and we had to wait until he got home. Even though it was a Saturday, he had to go to work for a few hours because of some big presentation or something.
No matter how bad I felt or what was going on, I knew that I was going to have to go downstairs. So, of course, I did go down, and ate even though I felt like throwing up.
I couldn't sleep that night because I kept thinking about Joshua and what had happened to him. I don't know which would be worse: not knowing what happened to him or knowing exactly what happened to him. Even as I think about it now, it sends shivers up and down my spine.
I woke around 10am the next morning but didn't get out until 11 because I was still debating whether I should get on Vim or not. I wanted to know what happened to Joshua but at the same time I was afraid of knowing. When I finally did get on there was absolutely no information on Joshua. Red and another friend, Candy, were on and when I went in they were talking about something I didn't bother asking about. A few other friends I didn't usually talk to were on, so I stayed with them. I was amazed at how calm they were, it was like they didn't even know that something happened!
There was nothing involving Joshua the whole day; Michael wasn't even on. I decided to get off Vim for the rest of the day and go to the park with my friends. It didn't help much, I couldn't stop thinking about Joshua the whole time. I still can't believe his hold on me. By the time I got home it was 7:30 and I was exhausted! I could have gotten out of eating dinner by having it with a few friends at Subway but I was too tired. I decided to go on Vim for a second, but only to my page. I was surprised to see that I had an urgent message waiting for me. It was from Red and this is what it said:
I hate this world! Joshua and his friend were walking home and they got attacked by these stupid drunk freaks that beat them and as far as I know, he's not waking up.