8/11
No...
This can't be happening...
Not to him...
It can't be a dream...
It can only be a nightmare...
But it's real...
And it's really happening...
It hurts not being there with him and not hearing him tell me everything is fine. All I want is to hear him say those words. I never thought this would actually happen, especially not to him. I'm scared out of my mind. What if something happens and I never get to talk to him again? Life wouldn't be the same without him...nothing would be the same. The thing that hurts the most though is knowing I can't do anything to help him; I'm just stuck here in my room reading the message over and over again.
I can't see anymore and have to blink which causes all the tears to pour down my cheeks. Most of my tears fall on my hands, which are frozen in place. I don't usually cry easily, but once I start, I can't stop. It takes a lot to get me to cry and this was more than enough. I finally decide I can't stand having the message in front of me, so I press Save. I don't delete it because I know I'm going to want to read again later.
I keep repeating those words to myself until I don't believe a single word. It's not a dream! It ishappening and it is happening to him! That doesn't make me feel a lot better so I shut down the computer, climb onto my bed and grab my pillow. There's no use in trying to hold back the tears so I let them flow into the pillow and sheets. Sometime in between wiping my eyes and letting new tears fall, I glance at the clock. It is 7:35pm meaning Dad will be home soon and I'm going to have to go down for dinner even sooner. I try to think of as many excuses as I can to get me out of going down there and facing everyone.
They don't know how I feel and they never will. Sure, I want to tell them sometimes but they wouldn't understand the way I feel about him. I guess they would tell me he's not real and that I'm wasting my time. That's all I can imagine anyone ever saying.
I feel like someone's holding my heart in the palm of their hand. I just don't know if they're protecting it or crushing it. All I want is to know that he's ok! I want to see him and be with him...that's all I've ever wanted and now I might never get that.
And all because I love him.