Dying Star Arc
March 2041
A little over twenty-four hours ago, an explosion was recorded onboard the Persephone. Word has already reached the settlement, that the engine is gutted. That there's no way that the ship will ever fly again, as the repairs are both expensive, and impossible on Ceres where we don't have the equipment or capacity necessary.
I'm quite surprised that Mohammed's plan worked as well as it did. It almost feels like it was too easy for how crazy, and really stupid, that plan was. Though I guess I shouldn't call it stupid, since I was a part of it also. I did my part, what Mohammed had asked of me. Now, I feel guilty but at the same time, relieved. I'm glad that Seine will be staying now. That she won't be leaving for the moon. I went to go see her earlier today, but she didn't answer the door when I was there. I guess she must be busy, considering what happened. As Governor, even if she was leaving the post soon, it's her duty to oversee what's happened. Now that I think about it, it seems strange that there hasn't been an emergency meeting for the Legislative Council. We've never needed one before, but surely what happened yesterday would qualify as a good reason to have one.
But anyway, it seems like Mohammed and the others didn't get caught. I don't agree with Mohammed that this will force the foreigners to give us a more equal partnership in the running of the colony, but that wasn't my goal in agreeing to help with his plan. All I want is for Seine to stay here on Ceres with me. I don't know if I did the right thing, but even so it was worth it no matter what if it means that Seine stays.
I haven't heard from Mohammed since the Persephone went down, but I suppose that that's to be expected. I'm sure that he's hiding low, making sure not to do anything out of the ordinary. I did as he asked and deleted any record of their flight, which means there shouldn't be any trace left that it was them. I suppose that I should lie low as well. All that we need to do now, is make sure that we don't act out of the ordinary, and wait for things to calm down a little.
I'm sure that there will still be some pressure and scrutiny put onto the Palestinians, especially Mohammed. I think all of us that have been living out here the past three years could guess that Mohammed has at least some involvement in what happened. His followers are the ones who are upset by the current situation the most. If you had to guess who was responsible, anyone would probably guess correctly that it is Mohammed. Though as long as they don't have any proof, he should be fine.
It was thoughts like that, that were going through my head when there was a knock on my door. If I had to guess, it's probably Seine. Mohammed wouldn't come to visit me at the moment. That seems rather risky for both of us, and anyone else he involved in his plot. When I open the door, however, I'm surprised to see Kyle Matthews standing there. I'm not sure why he would come to visit me, which immediately makes me worried. I can't imagine what the reason would be for Mr Matthews to come visit me, unless it has to do with the Persephone. Maybe it's all already been worked out. Maybe Mohammed and his crewmates have been arrested, or worse, killed. Maybe I'm next. No, I need to calm down. I don't know that yet. There could be a reason for Mr Matthews to visit that I'm not aware of.
"How can I help you?" I ask to begin.
"May I come in?"
"Sure."
Something tells me that it isn't a good idea to not let him in. That whatever he's come here to do, it'll be worse if I don't let him in. I feel like I've already backed myself into a corner. If this is about the Persephone… no, I don't know that yet. I just need to calm down. But if it is about the Persephone, what should I do? Run? No, there's nowhere to run here. This here is the only place where you can find civilisation for millions of kilometres. There's nowhere to go. Nowhere that I could run. If we've been found out, it's over.
In my apartment, there's only really two places to sit, the couch and the bed. I take the bed, and Mr Matthews sits down on the couch. I look at him expectantly, waiting for him to tell me the purpose of his visit. Mr Matthews sighs, before beginning.
"Look, I don't want to have to pretend I don't know already, and I don't want to hear you deny that you did something I already know you do. Shortly before the explosion on the Persephone, you were spotted entering the control room up on the surface. Because it's one of the most important parts of the settlement, there's cameras inside there. We know you changed someone's flight logs, but we don't know who. I need you to tell me what you know."
I guess I should've run after all.
"What I don't get, is why you would do this. You loved Seine, right? So, I don't understand what you got out of this. It's disgusting."
"Disgusting? What's disgusting about wanting her to stay here with me? Wouldn't you do the same in my situation?"
"No, I don't think I would," Mr Matthews looks at me, horrified, "are you insane? There's something wrong with your head."
"Of course not," I replied angrily. He's really starting to piss me off. What's so strange about anything I've said? Maybe not everyone, but I'm sure there are plenty of people who would do the same thing that I did.
"Where is Seine? Why are you here, and not her?"
Mr Matthews' face looks blank, or perhaps flat, as he replies, "what do you mean? You can't… do you not know?"
"Know what?"
"Seine… Seine was on the Persephone when the explosion happened. There's no way she survived. Seine Montague is dead."
The world feels like its' spinning. It's like everything is fusing together. That it's there, but not there. And it's everywhere. What… what is this? What did he say? Seine Montague is dead. I don't understand. How could she be dead? She was healthy when I saw her this morning, there was nothing wrong with her. Why, why, why? Why is she dead? Why did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? What is it that I did that caused this to happen to me? I don't understand. Why is Seine dead? Why did I agree to help Mohammed? What is this? Why is she dead? It doesn't make sense. Seine is dead. And it's my fault.
If I hadn't helped Mohammed with his plan, Seine would still be alive right now. It's because of what I did that she died. My punishment for trying to stop her from leaving, is this. If I had known that this would happen… why did I help them? What have I done?
Someone grasps my shoulder, reminding me of where I am, and bringing me back to reality. I can't see anything, everything seems distorted. I realise that it's because there's tears in my eyes. I don't even have the strength to reach up and wipe them away. Though I don't remember when, I must've fallen forward off the bed, because I can feel that I'm down on my knees, with my hands firmly pressed to the ground.
"Tell me who you helped. That's the only way that you can make up for what you did."
The only way I can make up for what I did… I don't really think that it will make up for what I did. I won't be forgiven even if I tell Kyle, but perhaps I should tell him. It won't make up for what I did, but perhaps I can be forgiven in at least a small way. And some of this guilt that I'm feeling might go away. I truly am such a weak person. Such a small person. Only a coward like me would do what I've done. I tried to force Seine to stay here, because I'm weak. I did something unforgiveable, because I'm a coward. And I've been punished for it. That's what this is. This guilt. This feeling of hopelessness. I don't think I'll ever forget this feeling. Because I'm weak.
Thinking back on that time, I don't remember much of the time immediately after that. It's funny. I remember everything up to that point in such precise detail that I can even picture silly useless things like the actor's face in that movie we always watched together. Everything after Seine's death, however, starts to blur. Probably within a week of the Persephone being incapacitated, there was a lot of change in the colony. Kyle Matthews officially became the new Governor, and I resigned from the Legislative Council. I was lucky. Mohammed and three others received the death penalty. I was pardoned for exposing them, on the condition that I stepped down from the council. Though I felt guilty, I accepted. Because I'm a weak person.
It mustn't have been much longer after that that I met Ahmad. He was one of the new arrivals who came on the Persephone's third and final voyage. Since I was no longer on the council, I had to find a new job, so I took up the work of a miner. I'd been trained how to operate the mining ships along with everyone else on the moon, so I didn't have to learn from scratch. Myself, Ahmad, and two others, joined the ICMU working on one of their ships since they'd had a bit of an opening when they lost Mohammed and his whole crew. The Jaeger was previously Mohammed's ship. Being on it reminds of him, and the others who died. At times, I still think that I should've died with the rest of them. I never even went to see them after they got arrested. I didn't want to look at their faces. Because I'm a weak person.
I started drinking around that time as well. Actually, I'm pretty sure the first time that I met Ahmad, I was drinking. Heavily too. That's what I remember anyway, the little of it I do. I was worse then than I am now. I couldn't stop myself. At least now, I don't drink while we're out on expeditions. I had to drink to try and forget. About Seine. About Mohammed. About myself. Because I'm a weak person.