Space Cowboy Arc
26th April
Ahmad had safely made the drop down to the asteroid's surface inside the Dwarf. I couldn't help but feel relief. I don't know how I could've lived with myself if that hadn't worked out. It would've killed me, knowing that I had gotten my friend killed in my foolish.
Once we knew Ahmad had survived the drop down to the asteroid, everything felt easier, less tense, after that. Whilst carefully easing off the main engines, we lowered the ship down to the asteroid along the tethers. Once we were close enough, Ahmad used the Dwarf to apply extra pressure and push us into position. Eventually we got close enough to extend the landing pads, allowing us to latch onto the asteroid for as long as we wish. When it was confirmed that the landing pads had successfully held, the three of us in the cockpit collectively sighed in relief, and I'm sure Ahmad did the same inside the Dwarf.
After we were done, however, I still had to apologise to Ahmad. For everything that had happened on this expedition, really. So much had gone wrong, and almost all of it had ended up coming at the expense of Ahmad, and even after all that he was the one who had to risk his life at the end because of my foolishness. Ahmad laughed it off as if it wasn't a big deal, but it was. I think he's just happy that him and Hana seem to have made at least somewhat of a reconciliation, but I can't help but still feel guilty for putting him in all that danger in the first place.
About an hour after we'd managed to land on the asteroid, Ahmad and Hana went to sleep. We were all exhausted, but when we're on an asteroid, it's necessary for two people to be awake at any one time. Usually what happens, is that we have one person onboard the ship, whilst the other is out in a Dwarf. I took the first shift in the Dwarf. I felt like I needed it, just to get away from it all for a little while. Spending eight hours inside a Dwarf is very painful, and I'm very tired and sore by the time it's over. Petr went to sleep a few hours before I returned to the Jaeger, and Ahmad and Hana got up to replace him. Within ten minutes of my return, however, Ahmad had suited up, and was already taking the other Dwarf out onto the asteroid surface, while the other one recharged in the hull. Just as Petr had claimed, the asteroid was rich in mineral resources. Most notably, gold. Gold isn't as valuable as it was twenty, even ten, years ago. Its' value dropped significantly, following the opening up of the moon to gold prospecting in the 2030s. Even so, an asteroid like this, as filled with gold is still incredibly valuable.
Even though I'm very tired, I don't go to sleep immediately. I force myself to have something to eat before I collapse. Otherwise I'll feel horrible tomorrow morning. I go sit by the window which, for once, actually has a real view, rather than just a dark void. The asteroid drops off not that far away, perhaps only one hundred metres. This asteroid is rather cylindrical, much longer than it is wide, which is why there isn't much asteroid ahead of me, but if I looked up the length of the asteroid, I wouldn't be able to see either end from here.
Hana sits down beside me. I'd almost forgotten that she was in the room. I just want to roll over and go to sleep already.
"There's actually a view for you to look out at now," I say to her.
"What do you mean?"
"I always see you staring out this window, even when we're out in space."
"Really? I didn't think I was doing it that often," Hana says rather unconvincingly. I don't really believe her, but I'll leave it for now. She looked sad, depressed even at times, when she was looking out the window. I think she looks fine now however, so I'm not going to say anything for now.
"Thank you."
It takes me a moment to realise the words that came out of Hana's mouth. Somehow it sounds strange to hear those words from her. I don't think I've heard her speak any words of gratitude before, not even to Ahmad.
"What did I do that you need to thank me for?"
"My father. When he assumed it was my fault that the tethers didn't fire…"
"Ah, that."
Petr checked the tethers before he went to sleep. It wasn't Hana's fault that they didn't fire. It wasn't that I didn't check them properly either. A jam in the tether capsules was what caused them to not fire. It wasn't anyone's fault. It was just a malfunction that really shouldn't have happened.
"That really isn't something that you need to thank me for," I say, "I didn't do anything that you need to thank me for. It really wasn't your fault, after all."
"No, I'm grateful to you."
"You really shouldn't be."
"Just accept it, won't you? I'm trying to be nice here!"
I look over at Hana. For some reason she has a slightly desperate look in her eyes, as if she can't bear it if I don't accept it for some reason. If I don't accept her. Though I'm unsure whether it's the right thing to do, with some reservation, I accept her words of gratitude, though I feel like I'm making a mistake as I do so. There's nothing malicious in her words or her intention, but it still gives me a bad feeling for some reason.
Hana changes her sitting posture, moving from cross-legged to sitting almost on her side. She's sitting upright, but her legs twist at her hips, and stretch out in front of us. It looks uncomfortable. We sit in silence for a time before Hana speaks up again.
"I'm surprised. I thought my father would've been the captain, rather than you."
"Why would you think that?"
"Oh, I don't mean anything by that. Just that my father's the oldest one here."
I turn away from my meal, "I'm older than your father."
"Huh? No, there's no way."
"Ahmad's forty-six. I'm forty-nine."
Hana blinks while inspecting me, "your joking, right? You can't possibly be forty-eight. You look like you're in your thirties!"
"My grandmother always used to say that the men in my family aged slowly."
Looking at Hana, I can see that she is unconvinced by that answer, "why would I lie about that? You know, once you reach a certain age, you start wanting people to think that your younger than you are, not that your older."
"I suppose so…" Hana responds, but she still doesn't sound entirely convinced.
"Did you make up with your father yet?"
"What's it matter to you?"
Hana seems to be back to her usual snappy self. It's good to hear her speak like that again. She's seemed a little sad recently.
"Ahmad's my friend. I want to know how he's getting along with his daughter," I say in reply to her question.
"Then…" I hear Hana say slowly, "… what am I to you?"
"What are you to me, huh? Well you're my friend's daughter."
"That's it?"
I look over at Hana. She is indeed unhappy with my answer, though I'm not sure why. Why would she look at me like that? I don't think that we're close enough that I'd call us friends, and I'm not cold enough to call us just acquaintances, so I wasn't sure how else to say it than she's Ahmad's daughter.
"What? Do you want me to say that we're friends?"
"That… no, I don't want to be friends."
"What do you want me to call you then?"
"It's more… I wanted you to do something like this."
With that Hana leaned forward, and tilted her head up towards mine. I didn't really think about it. I just foolishly followed that snappy, confident girl's lead. The taste of a woman and the touch of her lips to mine and her hands undermine, was something that I had forgotten. That I was no longer used to. Even so, I should've pushed her away. Why can't I bring myself to? If I had to guess, it's because Hana reminds me a bit of her. That woman, Seine Montague.