My mom didn't really know anything about what was going through my head. I never really told her how I felt about myself. How I felt about her and how life made me feel. My reasoning is..... Let's be real, someone like my mom could never comprehend what I'm going through.
When someone is good at something, they then get this ridiculous notation that it must be easy for everyone. Kind of closing themselves up to the fact that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. You can't understand someone's pain until you have their pain, simple.
One thing about me is... I don't like to be pitied. Being pitied made me feel like crap! I didn't want anyone's sympathy. That's why, no matter how sad I was. I always made sure no one saw me cry. I always cried in private. As I was walking home from School, I Began to question my very existence.
I use to think, everyone was put on this earth for a reason. Yet, if you asked me what my purpose was, I couldn't tell you. I have no talent, I'm literally good at nothing.
If you asked me what was unique about me and what's good about me...I'll have no answer for you. I walked in the door of my house and greeted my mom with a smile, hiding all of the pain I felt inside.
Mom(stella): "how was school?"
I replied "great."
Then, I went to my room and began to sob, like there's no tomorrow. I cried until the tears dried up on my face. I cried until I was tired. I felt very ashamed of myself because my mom's friend was telling her.... That I'm too quiet and that It's going to be hard for me to function. If I don't grow out of it.
My mom just told them: "I rather have a quiet, kind and gentle daughter, Than a fast daughter with a loud mouth, who always gets into trouble like your children!"
My mom tried to bring me out of my shell and force me into social situations and interactions. But when she did that, I just shut down...so she just kind of gave up on me.
But I wasn't just shy, I was depressed too. I just hate the fact that my mom had to defend me, I bring her shame. Why am I still here? Maybe I should just disappear? Because I just can't BREATH in my own skin anymore! I got up from the bed, wrote a suicide note explaining to my mom (the only person who loves me).
It's not her fault and that I love her. But sadly, not enough to stay in this world. I went to the medicine cabinet and hid a bottle of pills in my hand purse. Smiled as I walked past my mom again back to my room.
I lied on the bed and said to myself: "sorry life didn't work out. No... Sorry, YOU didn't work out!"
Then I began to scream in my head "I hate you! I hate you!" as I slapped my face, violently shook and pull some of the hair out of my head.
Silently, because I wanted to suffer in silence to the very end.
I heard my mom's voice saying "are you, ok honey?"
I told her "yes mom, everything is ok in here."
I opened the pill bottle and was about to gulf down the entire thing. When something unbelievable happened.....???
☠️End of Chapter (2.5)☠️