When 2019 began, everything was great.
It started off with happiness.
Which was a first for me.
Since I was thirteen, life was hard.
Had no friends, and even had a family who
never once cared about me.
I was even bullied every day
For the way, I spoke and looked.
Life began to become unbearable.
So, I tried everything in my power
To make things better.
It started off sneaking online
To find people who actually liked me.
I met plenty of people.
Some nice and most horrible.
Things took a turn and that's
When the pain began.
I became so involved on the internet
Taking in every negative word that
These teens and adults threw at me.
It was dragging me into a dark place
That I never knew existed
I began doing things to myself
That caused my mental pain to
increase.
But the physical pain
Distracted me for awhile
Before it became an addiction.
Self-harm was the only thing
That I turned to and trusted.
Because I was alone and unloved.
With no one there for me.
I kept this a secret for so long.
Thinking things would get better.
But everything went for the worse.
The bullying became more frequent.
My family was turning against me.
And all I wanted was to be happy.
I decided to try and take my life.
My thoughts were only about happiness.
Just wanting to get rid of this pain,
Loneliness and emptiness that I was feeling.
I wasn't successful and I was taken away
To a place where my depression only got worse.
Medicine was taken every day to take away this feeling
And I had to talk to someone about everything that happened.
Even though I wasn't being truthful about what's going on.
Throughout my childhood and teenage years.
Things only got much more difficult.
lost plenty of friends.
Never had a real relationship
Because I was used and cheated on.
Self-harmed even more
And tried to take my life a few more times.
Now I'm nineteen years old
Hadn't been in a hospital or
Self-harmed in a year.
I feel proud of that
But the pain is coming back
This time it's intense.
I've left home for a reason.
Because I felt unloved and not needed.
I was constantly getting angry
Even though it wasn't my fault.
I was blamed for everything.
Ignored when I was begging for help.
There was always a fight.
And I was the one on the floor
Being punched in the face constantly.
Yet it was my fault and that I deserved it.
In my family, there is a favorite child.
My parents always do everything for her.
And she's two years younger than me.
She had a big graduation.
With people who love her.
She got plenty of scholarships.
And got accepted into a big college.
I am proud of her and would support her
In anything that she does.
But I feel like an outcast
Because I never got the things that she's gotten.
I wouldn't call it jealously.
Just a broken heart.
All I ever wanted was to be loved.
To have friends who wouldn't leave me.
That actually wanted to be around me.
A family who accepts me and loves me.
Who doesn't do everything for one child.
I may be nineteen and an adult now.
But I am still a child and deserves love.
Like everybody else.
Before telling me that I am fine.
Know my story and what I go through.
Because right now everything is not okay.
I am not okay at all.