"Hey! Where are you going?" the man from the back asks behind me, following me as I start rummaging my steps to get out from the crowd. I walk endlessly infront of everybody with my head down. I don't mind everything, their scornful gazes, their continuous hushes and gossips, and their dissapointed faces. I just can't keep my head up.
Tonight, I just said the words
that I thought my mouth forbids to utter. I never thought throughout my entire relationship with him, those words wouldn't come up. But what can I do? It will be more painful if I heard those words from his mouth. I wanted to say it to him personally and privately, a perfect timing to say it. Breaking up isn't something you say publicly. But after seing him cuddling and… and... kissing somebody with my bare eyes broke my heart and my mind derilously blurt it's decision to break up with him. It was such a drastic decision but it was solid and unbreakable.
I keep my head down while walking rapidly in the crowd. I forge my will not to cry until I finally get home. My heart right now is in million peices, bringing a big bag of dissapointment, tears, and hate.
I suddenly halt my steps almost at the center of the mess hall when I see Tiffany walking towards me. She looks confused and a little bit irritated. As soon as I stop, the man who've been following me grabs my elbow and manuevers me to face him. I keep my face down. I don't want to see his face. Never.
"Guys, what the hell is happening?" asks Tiffany, she move infront of me beside Rev.
Rev did not answer her question and so do I. I don't want to talk right now. I just want to get out from here and ran away from him and the crowd. I don't know what devil words will come out from my mouth. Seriously, I want to throw snakes at him until my tounge twists.
"Nik, Rev, you do realize that you're ruining my party." Hah! Such idiotic and selfish sentiment, Tiff.
"I think we must go now. We must TALK about it. I hope he's just drunk that's why he said it." Rev excuses us. Tiffany nods.
Drunk? The only one who's drunk here is you, moron. (I think I'm starting to curse now.) Yes. He smells purely with alcohol but I don't how he look right now. I will never look at his face tonight or ever again.
What? Talk about it? No fucking freaking way! I will never talk about it with you! There's nothing to talk about! What's there to talk about? We are fucking DONE!!! (Curses rushing from my mouth.)
As soon as he excuse us he forcefully clamp his hand on my elbow, stronger than before. He starts to walk forward dragging me by my elbow.
I must admitt that it feels like he doesn't want me to let go. It feels like his grip is resembling ownership and possessiveness. It feels like, I'm wrong.
Right now I'm starting to think twice about my decision earlier. Did I really misunderstood something? I don't know. I think there is something to talk about.
Yeah, I'm such a mess right now. I simply couldn't hold my words. One single move from him makes me think twice. It's just a grip and I'm starting to rebuild my heart again. Fuck Myself! I'm a mess.
We move rapidly leading towards the door. The guard turns consciously and opens the oak door infront. We are about to get out when we bump into a lady.
It is the lady that Rev kissed earlier. It is the lady whom he have been fond of. I'm stunned seeing her. And Rev have been stunned too, he halt his steps and his knees are trembling. This time, he looses his grip on my elbow and let my hand go. Fuck!
"Where are you going, Rev? I just got here to dance with you. I'm happy that you chose me as your date-… Oh." she stops as soon as she saw that I'm at Rev's back.
Seeing her and hearing those words from her brings back the piercing ache in my heart. And the hate that I have with him grows more. I guess that what I said earlier was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life.
If he's happy with another one, why do I have to hold onto him? If he's needing someone else, why would I fight for my own sake? If he's loving someone else, why should I keep my self in his life? If his happiness is with that lady, I guess it's time to let go because I know that I'm the one who's losing and hurting. Then it's time to let you go. You two could fuck each other as long as you want. I don't care anymore! ANYMORE!
I desperately move outside the oak door passing them. I run crying until I reach the hotel's elevator. I never look back. Never.
As soon as I land my foot on the street I wait for a cab, still crying my heart out. I know I said I don't care anymore but it fucking hurts, so just let me cry until I can bare with the situation. My face is soaking wet, even my handkerchief drips tears from it.
I'm crying and waiting anxiously when a horn blows twice at my back. It is Lucky's car, I oddly memorized the sound of his horn. He goes out from the door and walk rushing towards me. His face looks concerned and his eyes breaks a little value of comfort.
"Hey, are you ok?" he says as soon as he reach me. He ravels his hand on his tuxedo's pocket and pull out a black handkerchief. He gently wipes my tears off my face while muttering, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have forced you to come here and I should've drove you earlier when you asked me."
"No. Its… its... Ok." I say while my voice shaking and cracking as I cry hard.
"Yeah, he is really a jerk." he says. "Come on, I'll drive to your apartment. Or do you want to go somewhere else?"
"Can you... Can you hug me? Just to comfort me." I say pleadingly.
He smiles and hug me tightly. His hug is all I need right now. I'm glad he's here with me. No matter how dull my day is, Lucky is always there for me. My bestfriend never failed doing his role even though sometimes he's acting like a douchebag.
I feel a little less tense while hugging him. I feel like I'm safe. I feel like his embrace makes me feel needed at some ways. The need that Rev never let me feel.
I'm drowned with his hug when a voice comes annoyingly from someone. Someone who made me want some hugs.
"Enjoying my boyfriend's hug?" says Rev mockingly. Lucky embraces me tighter than before.
"Yes. I think so." answers Lucky. I don't know what Rev look right now because Lucky has no plan of letting me go. I still keep facing the other side of the street. "I really enjoy my bestfriend's hug very much! And I have no plan of letting him go."
Why do I feel something strange with what Lucky says? Is there something I should know?
"Let him go." I can feel Rev's anger in his voice. Why is he angry?
"No." says Lucky defiantly, hugging me tighter. I can't breathe.
"I said let him go. Come on, man! I need to talk to him." Rev says, his voice has the mixture of anger and pity.
"What do you want to talk about? Is it about your new girlfriend?" says Lucky mockingly.
Honestly, I want to punch Lucky for bringing back the topic but I realize that he just want to mock Rev and get him stay out of my sight.
"Shut up! Give me my boyfriend if you want to keep your fucking face tight." says Rev angrier than before.
"Give? What is he a 'toy' you can play over and over?" That must startled Rev, I heard few crickets chirping because of his silence.
"No. He's not a toy to me. He's… He's... My heart." I swear I wanna see his face right now.
"Oh Rev, stop with your nonsense. For all I know, you're using your sweet words to win him back. And for what? To play with him and break his heart again? No fuckin' way! Give him the space he probably need right now." Lucky says and he finally release his tight hug but he hold my hands tightly.
For the first time, I see Rev's face. I don't know what should I feel. His eyes are about to cry. His face is in beet red. And he slump his shoulder and his body's trembling. Should I feel sorry for him? Should I come to him and comfort him? Do we really need to talk? Why am I so vulnerable? Fuck myself.
"Let's go." Lucky says and he drag me to his car. He starts the engine and he starts to drive away.
Rev still standing there, near the post and his gaze follows our way. For a moment, I see his tears dropping down. Shit!