The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: She's having triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
-------------
Massive Headaches
A guy goes to the doctor complaining about a headache he's had since adulthood.
"Doc, this headache is killing me, every single day of my life, from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. And I tell you, you are the 20th doctor I visit and no one has ever found the problem."
So the doctor goes through some procedures and finds out that the gentleman has a rare condition, so rare that no statistics were ever kept.
The doctor then delivers the bad news: "Your problem is that your testicles are pressing up against the base of your spine and that's what's causing your head to ache." He continued, "The only solution I see is castration."
The man goes crazy and leaves the clinic saying that it would never happen. After 10 months and 10 more doctors, he returns for the surgery. The day after, the first with no headache whatsoever, he is released from the hospital feeling like a new man ready for a change in his life, starting with his wardrobe.
He stops by a department store and with the help of a salesperson, he starts shopping.
"How about a shirt? For you I'll guess neck 36, sleeves 34." And it fits perfectly. The man is amused by the salesman's accuracy.
"And what about some pants? Let me guess 36, right?" And he was right!
"I can't believe it, how do you know?" the man asks.
"It's my job," the salesman replies with certain arrogance. "And how about some shoes; 9?, correct?" And once again he was right.
"You are a genius."
"It's just my job." So the salesman keeps pushing and he tries to sell more. "How about some underwear? Let me get some 36s for you!"
"Hey, I knew it, you had to be wrong at least once. Since I started buying my own underwear, I'm using 34."
"I'm sorry sir, but it's my job and I know you should be wearing size 36."
"Sorry, you are wrong, I'm 34 on my underwear."
And the salesperson, trying to be as polite as he could, says: "I am sorry sir, but you must be crazy! If you wear 34 your testicles are going to press against the base of your spine, and it's going to give you such a headache that you'll wish you had your testicles cut off!"