Sex Maniac
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being screwed by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by screwing a German Shepherd.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
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The Nudist Colony
Eli joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Eli replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him toward her, and happily lets him have his way with her.
Eli continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds, a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam toward him.
The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Eli replies, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man easily spins Eli around and has his way with him.
Eli rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"
Eli says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 enrollment fee."
The receptionist says, "But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Eli replies, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a errection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."