The Brave Soilder
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
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Extra Large Condoms
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
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Two guys went camping. In the middle of the night, one asked the other, "Are you asleep?"
"No."
"Are you masturbating?"
"Yep."
"Are you having trouble getting it up?"
"Yep."
"Well, why don't you try using yours instead?!"