Hard & Soft
A man, very much on the make for his secretary, wined her and dined her. He finally succeeded in getting her to his apartment, where he whispered sweet promises into her ear while he began to unbutton her blouse.
"If we get together," he said, "a fur coat...perhaps a trip to Europe."
The secretary nodded a cheerful agreement, and soon the two were locked in intercourse. Later, while dressing, she asked him when she could get the fur coat he'd promised.
"What fur coat?" he asked.
"You promised me a fur coat," she said.
"When I'm horny I'll promise anything," he said. Putting one hand on his heart and one on his penis, he added, "When he's soft, he's hard. When he's hard, he's soft."
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Income Tax Visit
A man who was called to testify at the Income Tax dept, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the vist to the Tax Dept?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."