Words of Wisdom
MAKING COFFEE : Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET : Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER : Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT : Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR : Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
ANSWERING THE PHONE : Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
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The Male Friend
A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.
Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."
The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.
After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.
"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."
"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."
So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.
Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.
So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.
After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.
The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.
This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.
Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're having sex with my wife, but do you really have to use my butt hole as your scoreboard?"