For the first time in my life, I stood behind the podium to give a graduation speech.
And it wasn't even mine.
The Valedictorian was Macy Paulino and she was my best friend.
Funny how life worked, eh? One day, you'd find yourself falling in love with your best friend, and finding the right time to confess to her and then all of a sudden, you'd see her in a casket three days before your high school graduation.
It was supposed to be a glorious day for batch '96. Here I was up at the stage - a platform that I only considered home every time I played my music. Now, I only saw it as an empty space that I wouldn't be able to share any more with Macy, the melody to my otherwise monotone life.
My name is TJ Xavier.
I just lost my paraluman, my muse. I knew then that I would never find it in my heart to weave words and music ever again.
Not without her.
I tried speaking Macy's masterpiece of words but it was just too much for me. I could barely continue without choking up. To think it was just last week. She was sitting beside me drafting this very speech.
I looked at the pieces of yellow paper in my hands. I had to set it aside so I wouldn't smudge it even further. I sighed then pursed my lips and I looked away from the paper and back to my classmates.
"I'm sorry. You know, this is... I'm just not used to being up here and... inspiring listeners." I shook my head. "I'm not exactly a person one could draw inspiration from. Macy, was always the one who knows how to fire up a crowd with her words and how passionately she delivers them."
I paused.
"I was only a witness to her greatness."
I looked at the chair that was supposed to be Macy's. Sitting in her place, was Mai-mai, her ten-year-old sister. Next to her was a sobbing Tita Joan, her mother. She kept on lifting her glasses to wipe the tears from her eyes. Unlike her, Mai-mai was silent and staring into space.
I cleared my throat and then decided to deliver the rest of Macy's speech in my own words.
"No amount of words will ever be enough to describe how much Macy has changed our lives as the president of batch '96. Her parting message to us that she wrote on this paper, is the same one that she's etched into our minds for the past four years of high school - If you think you can, you can... and you will."
My classmates were not the only ones clutching their handkerchiefs close to their eyes. Their parents were also struggling to keep their cheeks from getting wet.
I continued, "Today, we are here to celebrate a new beginning for us... something that Macy can't have anymore. All the more reason to honor her memory by applying her message to our lives as we move forward to a new chapter. She believed in us. Every... single... one of us. Macy Paulino, our class president destined for greatness, sees that same greatness in all of us, her friends and her peers. This day, we honor not just the ones who rose to the top among us, today, is our triumph together as one family- A family that Macy built and cared for."
I paused to look at the crowd once more and then, I raised my fist.
"This is our day, batch '96. We will go out there and become the best versions of ourselves... because we can and we will. Never forget Macy's motto, study hard and rock on! Never forget your hobbies, your childhood dreams. Remember your passion! They will help us keep our sanity when we finally dive into the mundane crap-hole that is adulthood ." This drew laughter from the crowd. Now, that's more like it.
I paused, looked up to the sky, and took off my cap.
"Macy, thank you for helping us cross this journey of our lives with heads up high."
...and with the loudest voice I could muster, I yelled out my closing remarks.
"God bless you SMCI! God bless batch 1996! Carpe Diem, you crazies!"
Cheers erupted in the gymnasium and caps flew as high as they could.
I did it Macy... We did it.
As the graduates kept on cheering, I fidgeted the guitar pick attached to my necklace. Knowing Macy, she would've given me a congratulatory slap on the back of my head now.
... and a tight embrace afterwards.
... the tightest embrace that would leave one gasping for breath.
... one I would never get to feel anymore.
Days later, after graduation, I finally picked up the courage to visit Macy. I walked between the plots until I reached her grave. I knelt down, brushed the browned leaves off the epitaph and read the writing.
"Macy B. Paulino, a loving daughter, big sister, best friend, touched the lives of many."
I heaved a sigh as I placed a bunch of fresh flowers on top of the marble slab. I lied down on the wet grass almost wishing to follow Macy wherever she was right now.
I sang a song that I wrote for Macy.
Only... she wasn't aware then that it was about her.
I began to strum the intro of the song in staccato - a laid-back island rhythm.
Ikaw, puno ang langit ng liwanag mo
Sabay sa himig ng ulap
'Di ko mapigilang mapasayaw
'Di ko mapigilang mapasayaw
Oh, ikaw...
[English Translation]
You ... the sky is filled with your radiance,
mingling with the melody of the clouds.
I just can't help but dance.
I just can't help but dance.
Oh, you ...
When I finished the song, I lied there silently, facing the sky.
"Remember that song, Mace?"
I choked back a sob as my chest started to tighten.
"It wasn't about just another girl."
My voice started to break.
"Why'd He have to take you away from me, Macy? We are a song... We were a song."
I shook my head, rubbing my eyes.
"What's a song now without its melody?"
The sting in my eyes finally turned to tears. I wiped them off with the back of my hand.
"I love you, Macy. I wish I said so. I wish you heard. I wish we kept our song going until we were old. I wish we got the chance to even get old together."
I covered my face with my hands and wept. Letting go of everything I kept inside since that day at the hospital.
I rolled to my side and kept on weeping as my mind drifted to a future without Macy's smile, her angelic voice, and her warm embrace. I placed a hand in my pocket and took out a cassette tape with the recordings of all the songs I wrote for her. Some she'd heard... and some were of words I never said. I placed it on top of the marble epitaph and closed my eyes.
"Take me with you, Macy."
...
That was the day I felt the music leave my body.