[Deus.]

Suicide attempt number one: hanging.

It started about six months ago, when I had this delusion that I would enter Nightosphere, but instead I entered Narnia. I always thought Narnia looked better than the outside world.

My Aunt took me in when my parents died—out of the goodness of her heart—two months before this grand reunion with rodents and flying cockroaches inside Narnia. Two months! After staying with her and her family, I feel like I do belong with these insects.

To be honest, nagalit na naman s'ya sa'kin sa hindi malamang dahilan kaya 'eto, kinulong n'ya ako sa malaking wardrobe sa loob ng bodega. I should probably be reflecting on what I did to tick her off. Though, kahit wala naman akong ginagawa nagagalit pa'rin s'ya sa'kin.

Like, if I just breathed the same air she does she'll go, "Deus! Punyeta manahimik ka nga! Pumasok ka sa attic at magbalat ng patatas!" I'm kidding, hahaha! Though, she does sound like Ms. Minchin; teeth-grating, high-pitched, voice.

Ah, it is my fault! Silly me! Remembering now, I did talk back to her. I shouldn't have done that. If only I kept my stupid mouth shut then this would've ended well.

I struggled to get out of the wardrobe—which I did—and wandered around the storage room. I'm trying to find a rope, you know, I want to hang myself, just to repent.

Luckily, I found one, pati upuan nakahanap rin ako. Kaya naman sinet-up ko s'ya sa pwesto na napili ko. I climbed the chair and positioned myself in front of the rope. Isinuot ko ito and took a deep breath. Hinigpitan ko ang lubid sa leeg ko, readied myself, and laughed.

"Mom, Dad, I don't believe in heaven, but wherever you are, I hope you're waiting for me." I chuckled and kicked the chair that I was standing on.

"Ack!" I choked as the rope tightens around my neck, my vision is blurring, the clock strikes twelve, and the moment I've been waiting for has arrived. I can't breathe. I started thrashing around, gasping for air, kicking about as I try to find some kind of footing. This is funny, even though I wanted to so much die my instincts are screaming for survival.

I chuckled. I know I'm at my limit. Mom, Dad, see you in the afterlife.

Those are my thoughts as darkness consumes my vision.

•••13THSQUAD•••

Then, I heard screaming.

My eyes flew open and saw the horror-stricken look on my aunt's face.

Wait. Something's wrong. I'm still alive? Eh? What? How is this possible?

To prove that I really was, I began thrashing around and kicking again as I feel that familiar sensation creeping up on me. I can't breathe.

No! This can't be happening! Ang basurang tulad ko dapat kanina pa patay! How long was I unconscious anyway? I glanced at the wall clock near the door and saw that it's only been five minutes since I committed suicide.

I died for five minutes? Yada, sure I wanted to die but I don't want to go through the pain again!

So, I screamed, and that seemed to snap my Aunt from whatever trance she's in as she tried to help me, which failed, kasi hinila n'ya 'yung katawan ko pababa. "Ack!" I gasped. Tita, don't fucking pull me! Kunin mo 'yung upuan!

Obviously, my Aunt was panicking. This is the first time I've seen her cry this hard. Kahit no'ng burol ng parents ko hindi s'ya umiyak nang ganito katindi. Seeing her do this for a trash like me makes me want to cry. I'm touched and I was being sarcastic.

Nang maipatong ko na ang mga paa ko sa upuan, naramdaman ko ang pagluwag ng lubid sa leeg ko at sa wakas nahabol ko na rin ang paghinga ko. Wow, I never coughed so much in my life, not until this.

"Deus naman! Ano bang ginagawa mo?" After that, Tita can't form coherent words anymore. She's still in hysterics and I wouldn't blame her. I just made her see an unsightly death . . . that failed, for some reason.

Patuloy s'yang umiyak at nagulat ako nang bigla nalang n'ya akong yakapin. That was the first time she said: "I'm sorry."

Well, the last time was when she gave me to some orphanage that's being run by church elders.

Hahaha! Remembering that makes me laugh these days. Itinabi ko 'yung lubid na ginamit ko no'ng araw na 'yon para remembrance na hindi ako namatay no'ng nagbigti ako. That was my first suicide too!

Though, kahit anong pagpapakamatay ko naman hindi pa 'rin tumatalab. I don't know the reason behind this mystical shit. Ako lang ba ang nakakagawa nito? Ako lang ba ang may sumpa na ganito? And here I thought God sees everyone equally, I thought death is equal. I was wrong.

Yesterday, was my last day at the orphanage. So now I'm just wandering the streets and living in an abandoned house. Now, you must be wondering, how do I live? How do I eat?

I don't know. I'm worthless, talentless and to top it all off, I can't even do anything right. So, basically, no one would dare adopt me or hire me. But, let's be optimistic! Maybe I'll die if I don't eat. I'll try that as my 59th suicide attempt: starvation.

As I'm crossing the street, there's a truck traveling for about 80kmph headed towards me. The truck's tires are skidding against the concrete, the driver's face looks panicked and based on the truck's speed and angle—also the driver's continuous scuffling with the vehicle's control—the brake's broken.

Is this the part where I'm supposed to see the flashback of my whole life before my very own eyes? I never thought it would actually happen but I was tricked. It really didn't.

The driver's face looked horrified when I stopped walking, turned to the incoming truck and smiled. Someone screamed. I heard the nearby crowd yell at me. But I paid no care to them. I want it to hit me. I closed my eyes.

Something hard came from my right side, pushing me off the road and out of the direction of the speeding truck. Wha—who the—who in the world interrupted my suicide?!

The loud honking of the truck and my back's thud over the sidewalk made me open my eyes and saw a guy in front of me, with frightened, bloodshot blue—and somewhat green?—orbs. His brown, army-cut, hair, damp with sweat and his freckled cheeks, flushed with either excitement or nervousness.

His body is big but not buffed, he's thin for his age too. I've decided this guy is a foreigner and 17 years old. Not that I'm not a foreigner either.

I looked up at the white guy in front of me, crouched down while I sat in an awkward place, to the truck which—unfortunately—ended up a pretzel with the pole.

"Another failure," I breathed, an exasperated one.

"What?" His head snapped up furiously. "Do you want to die you fucking twat?!" Sigaw n'ya. And to your question, yes, I do. And you just ruined it. But on the contrary, he did save my life even though I didn't ask for it. "Gods, thanks to me or you could've been dead by now!" Oh! This guy is bloody British! I just realized by his accent! You're so slow Deus, you're such a trash.

"Thanks," it's completely useless tho. "You saved a worthless trash like me but the driver might be dead." I shrugged.

Para naman s'yang nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig nang sabihin ko 'yon. Nagmamadali s'yang tumayo at tumakbo papunta sa truck na mukhang lata na napipi sa may poste. Maraming tao na rin ang nagkukumpulan dito. Bukod sa driver ng truck, I don't think anyone got injured.

The driver's already dead tho. Alam ko 'yon kahit hindi ko pa nakikita, considering I'm a suicidal trash, I know a lot about deaths. Humans are fragile beings, stab them wherever you want and they'll die. Well, if they don't, they will eventually because they'll bleed to death. And as Einstein once said: in every known rule there is—Me—an exception.

Besides, there's a lot of blood gushing out from the door.

People are panicking and screaming. The Brit guy is shouting at his phone, with animated movements. Para s'yang hihimatayin sa taranta. I actually wanted to laugh but that would be rude so I decided to just stare blankly at them while trying to sit upright.

Ilang sandali pa, tumayo na ako at nagpagpag. Nakakatamad na manuod sa pag-iyak at pag-sigaw ng mga tao. Nagugutom na rin ako kaya kailangan ko nang maghanap ng makakain. Paalis na sana ako nang biglang may humila sa damit ko kaya naman nilingon ko ito.

"Where do you think you're going?" Inis na sabi ng British na "nagligtas" sa'kin kanina.

Nagpalingon-lingon naman ako sa paligid at napansing may dumating nang mga pulis at ambulansya. They're trying to pull the driver out of the truck.

"Hey!" Brit guy clutched my shirt tightly. "Nakikinig ka ba?! I said, where the fuck do you think you're going?"

Woah, so he can actually speak tagalog. I'm impressed! His accent is a bit nasally tho. But nevertheless, it's straight. Which is surprising.

"Uh . . . nowhere," sagot ko, na mukhang hindi niya nagustuhan kaya napakunot ang noo n'ya.

"Suspicious," he spat. I smiled. Mas lalo naman s'yang nainis. I'm starting to realize why everybody hates me.

"Tell me, bakit ka huminto sa gitna ng kalsada kahit alam mong may papalapit na truck? Is that it? You're suicidal? You want to die?"

I didn't respond. Instead I just faced him and looked at the driver being pulled by stretcher. He looks like he bathed in his own blood. The Brit guy followed where I'm staring at.

"What? Did you think he will change his course or you think you'll both miraculously survive?" I glanced at him and he still looks a little distressed and sad.

I smiled. "None of the above," he turned to me with questions in his eyes. I don't know what to answer them tho, because if we continue this conversation up baka mabaliw na s'yang kasama ako.

"Then why?!" He impatiently asked and grabbed my collar. Galit na talaga s'ya at nakukuha na namin ang atensyon ng ibang tao—or worse, the police. He wasn't going to stop until I answer and it's becoming annoying.

"Because I want to die," that stopped him. "There's no hope for the driver since he was going too fast, there's a curve up ahead and beyond that is a store that an old woman manages. If he didn't stop here the damage could've been bigger and more people could've been injured," I quickly and quietly explained at his expense. "Besides, I wanted to be with the guy when he dies so at least he wouldn't be lonely in the Underworld. I was actually close to seeing Nirvana too. What a dream crusher you are." I sighed disappointedly and that seemed to puzzle him.

He let go of my collar and stared bewilderedly at me. He stepped back a little and blinked thrice.

"You're throwing your life away . . . for just that?" He asked with knotted forehead.

"No. I'm making everybody happy by not existing," I scratched my head. Gutom na talaga ako. My stomach's screaming with intense starvation I might actually consider cannibalism. Brit guy is still concentrating hard about something so I took this opportunity to be fed. "Since you're so interested in me, and since I'm already a nuisance to you, can I ask you a favor?"

He looked confusedly at me so I smiled hesitantly at him. Weird enough, my stomach started growling.

I saw his left eye twitch. "You want me to feed you?"

I nodded gleefully and beamed at him. "You see, I don't have a home so pagala-gala lang ako sa kalsada. Kanina pa ako 'di kumakain at gutom na talaga 'ko." I frowned.

Sabi ni Tita sa pagpapaawa lang ako magaling so I'm trying it. Malay mo, gumana.

"Why should I do that?" He raised a delicate brow.

"Uh . . . You'll be a good samaritan for helping a poor soul—"

"No, I became a good samaritan when I saved you from getting crushed by that truck. Feeding you won't benefit me in any other way."

Touché.

But what can I offer someone who doesn't want anything? Besides, I can't pay him back since I don't have any money. And I don't have anything to actually offer . . .

Oh.

"How about, you can do whatever you want with me, sell me, abandon me, kill me." I smiled cheekily at him.

He just stared blankly at me for a second until a policeman came and break us off because we looked like we were fighting. They also want our side of the story on what happened.

The Brit guy volunteered to go first so I stepped back and turned away.

"Anong pangalan n'yo, sir?" I heard the policeman asked.

"Johanne Wayland."

Huh, so that's his name. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.