Having too much happiness, just coralates to the fact that people ignored you and told you to make up good things. Because wanting to address racism, physical abuse, and mental problems I didn't know existed. Was to much to ask for. And now as an 18 year old I have to deal with unhealed childhood trauma. I'm not the only one in this boat. But I'm sure as hell not going to stay in that boat and watch as we all sink.To my child self; I say there is no point to living, except to just live. Making a difference won't work because money. And accomplishing your true dreams are also knocked out by this factor. But also your dead. You died a long time ago. You never stood a chance, and I'm sorry. Fuck it's not your fault. Because in reality everyones going to say it's no one's fault. Except it is. But no one will get punished so even fighting for justice is irrelevant. So now we are just expected to move on. And fighting this will only further the damage of your mental health. But hey...we've already been doing that. The past is the past, and now I have to try and figure out the future. When you spend so much time in your mind. You miss everything around you. There were no sleep overs at a friend's house. There was no best friend forever. I'm not saying I was completely alone and or am completely alone. Because I wasnt and I'm not. But in the aspect of my mind and what I was going threw. Nobody knew. I didn't want anyone to know me and my pain. So I starred in a 10 year show called My life. Is it foolish to say. " Where's my Oscar". Fuck you * why are you so negative all the time* I'm negative all the time because. NOTHING FUCKING POSITIVE IS HAPPENING. IM BEING ABUSED YET YOU WONT FUCKING LISTEN. FUCK YOU.FUCK YOU. But of course, this conversation is all in my head. Fuck you.
( October 13, 2023)