Before I knew it, Chemistry class was over, and students rushed to continue talking about the current soccer season and k-drama. You can probably guess which gender was talking about which. I don't mean to be sexist, but it is not uncommon for guys to be pre-occupied with soccer and girls to be crazy over guys from Korean boy bands or dramas. There is the occasional overlap where they are interested in both or neither regardless of gender. Personally, I'm in the group that doesn't care for either. As you probably already know, I'm more of an anime, manga and light novel otaku. Or at least, that is what most people view me as. Personally, I see myself as just a casual at these activities. After all, it is not like I'm crazy about all of it and go into in-depth discussions about the series.
"Hey, did you guys understand any of that? I'm completely lost..."
"Huh? This is just like, the first chapter... I'll explain it to you later."
Wow, I guess there are still some students who discuss what happened during class. I'm impressed. I mean, I generally do not really expect anything from anyone. I thought most students just laze around and waste their time doing whatever. I know, horribly specific, right? Goes to show how much I care about what others do. I-It's not just an excuse because I'm unaware!
I'm probably equally as lost as that guy who complained to his friends that he didn't get anything since he was sleeping... although I was actually awake and trying to pay attention. I always hated how no matter how much I could relate to characters in anime, I only ever shared their thoughts and weaknesses at most. Never their strengths. Usually, a loner is either smart or observant. Sometimes both. In my case, I'm neither. I struggle to keep up with academics and end up so focused on studying to at least keep up decent results that I often neglect my surroundings and others.
Ah... thinking about all that reminds me of how I used to drown myself in self-pity. That brings to mind a quote by Dazai Osamu, "Pity yourself and life become an endless nightmare." Yikes! Scary, but true. I used to wonder why I existed as such a weak and unintelligent human who could not feel at ease with others. Those days were the worst, it was tough just to get out of bed. Now at least I can exist peacefully accepting that life is meaningless. Since life is meaningless, the fact that I have weaknesses is meaningless as well. Everyone has weaknesses. Not everyone has strengths. Or maybe, weaknesses are just easier to see since society really has a good eye for pointing out flaws.
"Oi Laz, come on, it's time for the next class. We better get going."
"Huh?"
I looked up to see Randy with his bag slung over one shoulder facing me. "Oh, my bad."
"Thinking about something?"
"Nothing."
I quickly packed up my stuff and stood to follow Randy. Got to stop spacing out and thinking about stupid nonsense. It's a pretty bad habit when I have other things I need to be doing. Thinking is a great way to kill time, but I do not need to kill time when there is a need to rush from place to place.
Just as we were leaving the Chemistry Classroom, Celeste called out to us, "Hey Randy, wanna go to the canteen to get a drink before next class starts?" Correction. Celeste called out to Randy. I was getting ahead of myself. Anyways, you may be wondering, why get a drink in-between the first and second period? The answer lies in the fact that our next lesson is English. Our English teacher is the only one who allows us to bring drinks to class so of course, students are going to make good use of the privilege.
"You can go ahead Randy, I'll head to class first."
"Come on, I'm sure she wouldn't mind you joining."
"It's fine, I don't want a drink anyway."
I quickly walked away before Randy could say anything else. Celeste is actually part of a girl group. Sounds like a girl band sorta thing when phrased that way. I just meant that she is part of a clique with only girls in our class. She obviously separated herself from her group just to wait for Randy and call him to get drinks with her, so I'm not about to become the third wheel. Even if it's just to get a drink. Especially since it's Celeste.
It hurts to see how obviously Celeste likes Randy and laughs a lot more than when she was with me. Why? Am I a sadist who hates to see people happy? Well, I occasionally get into that mood but no. That's not the reason.
Surprise, surprise. I actually spent a fair bit of time with Celeste and her group of friends back in year 1 of Junior College. The way she was so energetic, friendly and just full of nonsense was refreshing in its own way. She did not talk about typical topics most people talk about but just random things from her imagination. At the same time, she just seemed like someone I wanted to always look out for. In the end, since I was always worried about her and tried to extend a helping hand whenever she seemed troubled, she suspected that I liked her and distanced herself from me. People like her just do not feel safe when people try to dig too deep into their personal problems. That is the story of how my first "love" started and ended.
If love even exists in the first place. I was probably just intrigued about how she resembled those happy-go-lucky anime characters with a sad, mysterious backstory.
See, that's what happens when you watch so much anime. You compare it to reality, and once you see something anime-like in reality you spring at it with "love".
I'm hopeless.
Perhaps that is the reason why nowadays I simply accept people as they are and do not probe into their personal matters...
Nah, I just don't care about most people.
At the end of the day, what other people do and think rarely impacts how my day progresses. At the same time, what I do and think does not impact those around me or how their day goes. I'm a considerate person after all.
To not care and not be cared for. The two essentials to live a peaceful, solitary life.
Other humans are not necessary for me to kill time.
Killing time can be a solitary task.
Killing time until the day we die.
At the end of it all, we die alone anyway.