I got to the house and I couldn't believe what I saw. The house looked so empty and it looked as if it were falling apart. No curtains, blinds or carpets. The couch looked so raunchy. There were cigarette burns and what looked like pee stains.
The separation was almost two years ago. How could the house look like this? His mom lived with him. They are Chinese. So I tried to accept that as a cultural thing. But he relied on her for every thing, including taking care of and watching his kids.
I felt so out of place. What was I doing there? I knew I loved him and I wanted to be with him. But his world was so different than what I wanted. I also never had a connection with either of my birth parents. That's another story for another day. I would see him and his daughters spend time together and for some odd reason, feel jealous.
Four years passed with the same things happening almost every day. I felt so tired mentally. His daughters mom was mentally unstable. So it put a strain on me, having to deal with her all the time for the sake of the kids. I became depressed and started to gain weight and lose sleep.
What was my life becoming? I tried every day to be the best step mom I could be for them. But I constantly felt like I wasn't doing enough and that I was becoming the help. The man that I love ended up always having to apologize for everything I had to deal with. I didn't want him to apologize. I only needed love and affection. Some sort of a sign that he understood and wanted me to feel better.
The girls I have been helping raise for 2 years have grown up alot. No longer little chubby faces and tiny voices. They have seen how their mom acts and absorbed the behaviors. Especially the youngest. She felt like everyone was against her and only knew to speak of death and hate when she wanted to express her feelings.
I was now 21 years old. But I felt alot older. My social life and all of my hobbies had diminished. Court and work were the only places besides home that I could ever go at the time. Custody battles in court are no joke. I hope that many people just learn to come to a civil agreement outside of court and never bring it to court. It is mostly a waste of time, money, effort and emotions.
There were already two children in the middle of this battle. But nothing could've ever prepared me for what happened next.