Life would be easier if it came with manual. A manual that prepares you for the worst case scenarios. Having children should also include a remote control for those moments when you realize how fast your kids are growing or even when they are talking too much. Imagine yourself muting your kids when they are about to say something so incriminating that your face turns all kinds of colors. I'm pretty sure that if my parents had a remote control, they would have paused and rewinded what we went through when I was 14. I will never forget 1990 for this was the year when all hell broke lose and my brothers and I were forced to live a life that was out of our control. Fuck you 1990, you are a year that we will never forget.
It all started when I woke up to several DEA Agents raiding our home in Orlando, Florida. On this day, Florida was no longer the sunshine state. Rather, it was a state full of disappointing events. On this year, I learned where my parents profits came from. All my life up until age 14, I was under the impression that my dad owned several businesses. Never did I question all the luxories we were exposed to. My parents never saved a penny or two of their profits. As a kid, I remember my mom arguing with my dad about saving money for our futures. I never paid mind to their arguments for I was too busy being a kid and enjoying the fancy trips as well as all the toys money could buy. I seriously wish we had that remote control at this moment that way I could turn back time in order to prevent the tragic moment that changed our lives back then.
I will never forget this particular day. My grandmother, who did not speak a lick of English, asked that I translate what was going on. My mother was sitting on our dining table crying her heart out. My middle brother was tucked under my grandmother's arms while my infant brother was sound asleep in his crib. They were going to take us to a foster home. When my grandmother heard this, she told the agents that she would take custody of us. Never in a million years would she surrender us to the state. She refused to surrender us to the ward of the court. She wouldn't have had it any other way, for my grandmother was always there since the day I was born. She went from having 5 kids to 8 if you counted my brothers as well as myself.
The year was 1990 when we decided to move back to New York. It was hard to adapt to this new life. My teenage years were stripped from me. As the oldest, I had to help my grandmother with raising my brothers. There was no hanging out with friends after school. If I wanted to go out, I was forced to bring my youngest brother with me wherever I went. As the months went by, I started to rebel against my grandmother. I was jealous and envious of all the kids my age who were out there having fun. Who in the hell at this age would want to stay home taking care of kids when I was a kid myself. During the beginning of this rebellious phase was when I met her. The girl that would soon become my mortal enemy. She was pretty and popular and everyone in the neighborhood wanted to be her friend. She was my brothers classmate and she took no shit from anyone. For some odd reason, she took interest in me. Some said that she liked me and boy was she persistent as far as wanting to get close to me. Back then, I had no idea how her friendship would impact me in the worst ways. To get back at my family for what had happened, I decided to become her friend and follow her terrible path that she had chosen for herself. A month or two after our friendship began, I noticed how jealous her friends were of our relationship. This jealousy led to that night that I will never forget. The night were she marked me for life.
One evening, my grandmother sent me on an errand to get milk and eggs. I asked two of my friends to come with. That evening, she was hanging out in front of my building. I said hello to her but she did not respond. She was hanging out with her vicious friends who opposed to our friendship. I did not pay mind to this for I was focused on my grandmother's request to send me to the bodega. On my way back, one of the drug dealers in the corner tried to flag me in order to stop me from going home. I did not listen for all that was on my mind was my grandmother timing how long it would take me to run this errand. As I got closer to my building, she slowly started to approach me. She was in tears for some strange reason. I asked her if everything was okay and she would not answer me. Finally, she asked me a shocking question that of course was a bit mind boggling. She asked me if I had kissed her boyfriend. I had no idea why she would ask me this until I noticed her two friends laughing from a distance. After telling her countless times that I did not, I told her that our friendship was over. Before you knew it, she raised her hand and slapped me across the face. My bags dropped as I was getting ready to fight her. That's when I heard the words that would scar me for the rest of my life: "Oh my God!!!! your face is bleeding!" That's when I felt the hotness in my body as well as my face. I reached for the left side of my face and all I could feel was the warmth of my blood as well as my flesh torn apart. Everything went pitch black. This day marked the beginning of the worst rebellious phase of my life. That remote control would have came in handy at that very moment.
As I sit here, 29 years later, I can think of the many incidents in my life where I wish I had a manual to life as well as a remote control. But then I say to myself, what if. What if I did have these things but then miss the opportunity to become the mother that I am today. What if I never get to experience all of the beautiful moments in my life if I were to alter my past for the sake of a better tomorrow. Yeah I know shit happens and we are supposed to learn from all of the experiences we encounter. One thing that I have learned from my fucked up past is that no matter what happens, shit will always happen.....