I was a ownely and lonely child growing up in a single parent home! My mom worked all the time at time i felt neglected! she would have someone in the family watch me! It was my grandma! My grandma would either tell me its time for you to catch the bus! If it was in walking distant mom will either by me food or grandma would cook! When i was a little older had my first kiss it was by a boy that lived in the back of me! I felt really good didnt know what was going on! Lets start when i met my first boy friend! He was a guy that i seen in my neighborhood was friends with his sister! I thought he was cute but both of us didnt know what boyfriend and girlfriend met at a young age! He told me he like me we be came girfriend boyfriend! I wasnt suppose to have a boyfriend only in Elementary school! We would see each other in school school grounds recess time in the neighborhood!
never invited him in i wasnt suppose to have a boyfriend! Well each day i would see him at school i thought i was in love! I took the relationship very serious but, he was not serious about are relationship! We went on a field trip! I was so excited but scared i never been away from my mom! They had a dance the one i thought i was in love with broke my heart! He started liking someone else. My heart was crush! I was so angry and hurt by this break up! Didnt know how to deal with it! I was really upset! I went into a rage! I did some yelling! We went hiking and they was holding hands! I was so upset that i grab a broom to hit them! The last day of the field trip! I got in trouble and couldnt go to the dance! I had to stay in the room! I got in trouble when we were getting ready to leave! My mother got called and told my mom that i was angry and try to hit someone! I was scared they call my mom i new i will be in big trouble! That was a very hurting feeling I had lost my boyfriend and going to be trouble with mom! Remember I was not suppose to have a boyfriend! All that came out! I had to tell mom that i had a boyfriend how he left me for someone else! When that breakup happen! All it did was fed my fears of being alone and abandon! I felt this way because mom always working and My father left when i was a baby! The person i would be with forever left me for another! Felt like it was the end of the world! I wouldn't fine love again! In about middle school still wasnt suppose to have a boyfriend I met this guy that I thought i was in love again! Well I seen him in school and he would wait to see me after class he kept touching me! I told him to stop didnt like it! He would always look for me after class! I had to hide from him! Then I got pick on in school the girl kept taking my lunch or lunch money! All this was going on and i didnt tell anyone at first! My mom question why i always came home hungry! I told her i was getting bullied! Go and tell her to stop doing that! I finally stood up for myself! I didnt say what mom told me! I just said my mom told me to tell you to stop taking my lunch! Well she had a rage i was so scared I thought we would have to fight! In school i was hiding from people I thought was after me! I starting missing school and drinking getting to trouble! My cousin he kept a watch when he didnt see me! I am going to tell your mom that you didnt come to school! I told him my mom knew i was home i was sick! Well this guy i liked alot broke my heart seeing other people! I end up getting pregnant at a young age! I wanting to keep the baby but end up aborting here i told the guy! He told me it wasnt his then i really didnt have support from my mom! I felt alone! Mom took me to plant parent hood she thought i was to young to have a baby at the age sixteen! I never thought it was a real baby the people there told me it was just tissues! It was a horrible experience! They didn't medicate me! They use a vacumn to get the baby out! I try to be numb to the situation never thought about it! I move on as usual like it never took place! My neighborhood it wasnt to hard to get into trouble! Mom wanted me to be in a better neighborhood! I did have some fun time there not a care in the world party every weekend! I moved but couldnt forget the guy i liked! I end having two girls by the guy i met in school! I still had feeling for the guy in my old neighborhood! I invited him over! I broke up with the father of my children! When i got pregnant lost alot of friends i didnt want to go to school i felt i be talk about! Drop out of school when i got pregnant with my first child! My children dad convince me to go back! I just needed a few more credits! I first started back to school i thought it was a joke! when my friends was cutting up with me not going to class they graduated left me there! I had to go another year before i graduated pregnant and all! My baby daddy end up cheating i was defistated! So when he move
d on i had to move on it was hard! Well the guy truly loved i was coming to see my Auntie when she was living! I saw him again he said that my first baby could have been his! I just look up told him you told me it wasnt yours! Then we departed! Also i wasnt getting treated right with the childten father! The one i did love he died in his home! Me and the children father having problems when i went to call he told me busy hung up! So i decide to do some investigation! I left my mom home this was late at night! I knock on the door no one came to door! I walk in saw him making out with someone else! I was distraught ran out the house into a mall that was lit just cried! I cried out to God one more time Lord I got cheated on cryed for help! My family we had religious back ground but i never took seriously! I wanted to fit in! God always had me telling people about him hes love but i didnt believe it or felt it! All grown up two children came involve abusive man! I was very much afraid of him he came from a religious back ground introduce me to his church! He was running from God it was a battle! I was growing in my faith! I had quit many jobs because i was getting beat up and abuse many ways! He finally came out told me he was cheating! That relationship was like misery! I had two children then I knew i had to get out of abusive situation! I thought i loved him but despise him same time! I end up leaving this dangerous situation! I am currently battling depression my children suffered from what they saw! I knew i had to protect myself and children! I prayed for strenghth to get me out of this bad situation!
I left a job i like i end up snapping on co workers! No one knew i was being abuse! I kept getting into these bad relationship didnt never was able to have a healthy relationship Once i was Out of all of this! God was still with me the times i didnt feel love he replace void! I never knew what i was searching for starts with God and me loving myself! I had to love him to know what love really about! I had it all along what i needed! Stop searching for it in all the wrong ways! I never could explain why i kept doing this! I didnt love myself i thought i deserved being mistreated taken avantage of! I thought i was alone my father left when i was a baby mom work all the time! I know now the importance of loving God first that where love originated! I need to see myself the way God sees me that i have value in worth needed to love myself! I end up marry didnt work dealing with my own issues he had his lack of communication and itimacy! He was in one more I was in another! we end up divorcing i became more depress! I am currently working on me loving me! Not letting people mistreat me like i use too! Working on me and a healthy realationship!