I tormented her all the way through middle school. By then I had realized the extent of my feelings for her, but it felt like it was too late to admit them, or to try to change the dynamic between us. She was a shy, pretty wallflower of a girl while I was an abrasive, loud, bull of a girl. Dating her would have literally been the relationship version of a bull in a china shop.
That being said, I didn't let other people bully her as much anymore. If someone would start in on her as I was, I'd bark at them to back off. I might have been smaller than most other kids my age, even the other girls, but I wasn't to be messed with. According to my classmates, I had "crazy eyes". They said it was to be expected as a kid from the Projects.
As middle school came to an end, I knew that we would end up at the same high school since it was right across the street. It was also the best public high school in the area- no one would go anywhere else if they had a choice. Part of me relished the fact that I would still be going to the same school as her, but that fact also made my stomach sink. If she was going to my school, could I ever really come out?
I was so worried that she'd figure out how I felt about her. All during the eighth grade year, I worried myself until my stomach was in knots. It sould randomly pop into my head during tests, it reading time, or even when I was home and getting ready for bed. I didn't want her to know how I felt about her, but I also didn't want the word getting spread that I was into girls, and hed putting the pieces together. I didn't think I could stand the embarrassment of her knowing.
By the time for eighth grade graduation came to, I had made a decision for myself to just keep my sexuality private. If I found someone that I was comfortable being with, then I would take it from there. No reason to put the cart before the horse, right?