Sashi wasn't okay. She was happy like she was supposed to be. Raul and she were in love. Everyone around were supportive. Raul was a wonderful boyfriend, did all he could to make her happy. She was starting to even see the future that Raul dreamed of, in which they were a happy family. Everything was better than perfect.
But everything felt unreal. She felt like she was living a life that had lost the bedrock it was built upon. She felt like she lost an important part of herself. She woke at night, restless, and unable to fall back asleep. She didn't feel the slightest happy.
It took far too long for her to realise it might be because of Anad. She couldn't remember the last time they were together. The last time they had an evening to themselves. The last time they went to the east market and feasted on biscuits and cakes. The last time they spent the whole day doing nothing but poking fun at each other and laughing so hard they were in tears.
She dropped everything, went searching for him.
"How did you find me?"
They were in the living room of his house. She was in the sofa. He pulled a chair so he was sitting opposite her. He reached for her hand as he asked.
She shook her head. It wasn't that she didn't have the answer. There were more important things to discuss, in the face of which the question felt insignificant.
"Got it from the student records," she answered anyway. "I need you," she repeated.
She pulled him and fell into his embrace. She felt at ease in his arms. She felt happy.
"And you said I was blind," she murmured.
"What?" He asked.
"This feels nice," she said. "I missed you. I missed this. I missed us. I must ask. How do you feel?"
"What do you mean?"
"Did you miss me?"
"Hmm, yeah."
"Stop trying to make it sound so difficult to answer. And don't even think about trying to make it sound less than it is."
"Okay. I really don't understand. Explain."
"Do you remember what you said? When we spoke about the dinner, the first date. There isn't a right way to feel. It's not important what I feel. Well, it is. It is very important. I was happy with Raul. He's a great guy. He's got our whole life planned out. We'll be so happy together, all of our life together. But I didn't feel happy. Knowing that, do you still think what I feel isn't important? I felt like I was lost, like I had lost something important, something dear. I felt incomplete. Do you still think there isn't a right way to feel?"
He didn't answer. He was starting to vaguely understand what she was trying to say. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. He wasn't sure he could accept that they had gotten here anyway. He stayed silent, half of him lost in his doubts, the other half waiting for Sashi to continue.
Sashi was in no hurry. She felt better than she did in a long time. She wasn't sure if she was happy, but she felt happy. Everything that had been vague until now, became clear. She could hear the words ringing in her head, describing everything she was feeling. She took her time getting ready to voice the words.
"I love Raul. I know I do. For real too. But that's not all. Just now, as I felt your arms around me, as I felt your heart, I was moved. I've always dreamed of falling in love. I'd meet a boy. We'd become friends. We'd grow so close we can't be apart. We'd realise our feelings were deeper. We'd realise we were in love. And that would be it. We'd live out lives together, happy. But that wasn't it. I am in love with Raul. But I feel incomplete. In your arms, I feel more rested. I feel moved. What does that say about my love? What does that say about me? I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it."
She was in tears. She was also smiling.
Anad had seen her like this before. It was where everything began. He felt defeated. After everything, he was right back at the beginning. She was still suffering.
"It is inevitable," he said.
She heard him. She didn't care enough to try to understand.
"I can think of only one more thing to do," he said, talking to himself. "Maybe there isn't another way."
He held her face, smiled as she looked at him curiously.
"Just know this," he told her softly. "Sashi. I love you. Maybe I always will."
Even as she smiled lovingly through the tears, he closed his eyes. Breathed deep. And jumped.
**
The South State University had always been the dream. Getting in wasn't difficult. Anad was a bright student whose grades were sufficient. The trouble was deciding on the department, on what to study. On the last day for the acceptance of applications, he decided on history. He was particularly fond of history for the many, many stories. How fun it would be, when studying meant reading stories.
He wasn't surprised when he received the letter of acceptance. That didn't mean he wasn't happy. He was leaping in joy the whole day. The joy continued as he prepared for college. And finally, it was the first day.
He gave himself a long minute to appreciate the first gate of the university from the outside. He was finally here. Oozing curiosity, he was looking everywhere but the front as he walked in. And as expected, he crashed into someone.
South State University was Sashi's dream too. She wanted to study history at the university with a great history of its own. Then, maybe a PhD, before finally earning a job as a professor of history. That was the plan. She did leave room for surprises, for she knew there almost always were surprises. And this was the first.
Like all students, she had come two days before the first day of classes, to get settled in. The morning of the first day, she woke early, to explore the university. Experience the rush of the first morning for herself. Satisfying her curiosity, she went where her legs took her, she saw everything her eyes saw around, she heard all the hellos and the questions about the holidays and the cheers and the claps. She was smiling in joy. This was college. She didn't see where she was walking. Crashed into someone. Ended up falling to the ground.
"I'm sorry," Anad apologised. "Too excited. Didn't see where I was walking."
He offered his hand. She grasped it readily, accepting his help to get back onto her feet.
"I'm sorry too," she said with a smile. "My first day. I've always wanted to be here. Guess I was lost in the excitement. I didn't see where I was walking either. Actually, I really don't know where I am. Ah. The first gate. Wow. I walked quite a bit. The hostel is quite far. I'm a first year in history. Sashi."
He shook the hand she offered. Beamed. And introduced himself, eager for her response.
"Anad. First year. History. Makes us classmates."
Sashi was delighted.
"Wow. We're friends. It's fated."
They laughed. And began walking to the history department. There wasn't much time for the start of classes.
"Wait," she said suddenly. "What were you doing there? You looked like you walked in through the gate."
"Yeah, I did. I didn't apply for a dorm."
"A house? Outside?"
He nodded. She continued.
"That's exciting. I heard a few things since I got here two days ago. Few students decide to live outside, every year. The houses are expensive, so every one of those few students are rich. Are you rich?"
"I guess I am."
"We're definitely friends. I'm not rich. So, I'm going to leech off of your hue of richness."
He burst out laughing. He was liking her more every second. She was no different. Maybe it was fate.
**
Anad opened his eyes to the first gate of the university. It was the morning of the first day. In a minute he would crash into Sashi. It the true beginning. Having experienced the inevitability, he knew what he must do. If he was to save Sashi from the suffering, he mustn't enter her life. He mustn't walk through the gate. He mustn't be a student at the university.
He was dazed when he saw her across the gate. She wore a foolish grin as she looked around excitedly. It was clear for all to see that the university was her dream. She was delighted to be living the dream.
"You got your wish," Anad said from far away. "We never were. You'll meet Raul today. Without me, maybe you'll realise faster. Maybe you'll be happier in love. I wish you are. Goodbye."
He turned around and began walking away. He didn't get far when he heard someone calling him.
"Hello. What's this? Isn't the university the other way? Where are you going?"