Anad had always known he was special. Words he accepted as a vague truth, until he was seven years old. Until the first time. Then, he truly understood.
He had only ever once gone back consciously. It wasn't much different from the many unconscious times before. Except for the aftereffects, which he felt were worse. And because he had experienced it before, he was ready.
He waited until there was a tinge of bright purple in the distance, standing out starkly in the entirely dark violet sky of the night. He breathed in the cold winter air, felt it blow through his chest like an ice cube. He felt the dull pain recede into numbness. Smiled. And shut his eyes.
He was on his feet, leaning against the parapet. The night was young, the lights overpowered the darkness. There was some time to go before Sashi walked out onto the terrace through the door. He smiled at his success, and almost immediately faltered. He was dizzy. His feet felt like jelly. His weight was too much, needing him to grasp the parapet to stay up.
"Wow," he exclaimed.
He shook his head weakly, desperately reaching for normalcy. Sashi would show up any moment now. He had to be ready.
As if acting on his intent, Sashi walked out through the door just then. She paused, looking at him with a questioning gaze.
"Are you okay?"
He couldn't answer. He shook his head, to say he was fine. She smiled, saying she understood.
"The wait was so much longer than it actually was," he said.
She blushed, like she always did when he showered praise. Then, her face fell. She couldn't hide the sorrow. And he knew why the sorrow.
"I was thinking so hard about dinner, ever since you called in the morning. Wanted it to be perfect. And don't we know what makes for the perfect date."
He continued speaking excitedly, as if blind to her feelings. And it worked. As she listened, she was affected by the excitement. A grin was spreading through her face as he paused before revealing the answer.
"Pizza and soda," he said, in the same voice from the first date. "From San's. Just the way we love it. And a litre and half of soda, since we love getting drunk on soda."
She burst out laughing, despite her drowning eyes. He was in pain and in joy looking at her.
"It's going to be a plain night, unfortunately," he continued, without giving her room to squeeze in a word. "Even if there was some mystifying celestial phenomenon to be witnessed tonight, it's not like we can see it here. I was thinking, we should go out on a picnic. Pitch a tent far from the city, where the sky is a canvas of the thousands of stars. Lay down looking up, maybe witness a meteor, and make a wish. Find some joy."
She was nodding and grinning, even as the tears spilled. His heart was breaking at the sight, but he couldn't stop himself even in the face of the inevitability.
"Neither has a license, but we can both drive. We can just borrow Brie's car. Drive over. If you're worried about getting caught, I'm rich. Very rich. All that wealth gives my family considerable power. Maybe I should misuse some of that power just once. It's certainly worth it on our picnic."
Her smile was gone. The tears continued. And there was only sorrow on her face. He wanted to continue, but it was much too difficult on his heart.
"I'm sorry," he apologised.
She was startled. He smiled ruefully and continued.
"I know you have a lot on your mind. A lot to say to me. I'm sorry I can't let you. I just want to enjoy pizza and soda with you. Like on our first date. Just you and me, and pizza and soda. But I know you can't."
His voice was a whisper as he ended. She nodded before wiping her tears and speaking.
"I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I shouldn't have these feelings, these thoughts. But I can't stop them. I can't keep from feeling so terrible. I can't keep from wishing none of this ever was."
She broke down. Fell to her knees as she sobbed. Painting a heart wrenching scene.
"I know," he answered softly, the pain showing in his voice. "I know. This wasn't it, then. Alright. Again."
He shut his eyes. Breathed in the painful air, deeply.
And opened his eyes to a young night, from not too long ago. But it felt like an eternity.
He was leaning against the parapet. His legs felt gone. His head was aching dully. His eyes were hazy. And his ears were ringing. He felt like a speeding truck had rammed into him.
He looked at the table, and saw only the bottle of soda standing tall. His throat was parched, and he needed a drink, desperately. He hadn't lost his mind, though. Yet. He remembered what the night was. Remembered what the soda represented. The memories rushed back, threw him under the overwhelming emotions. He groaned. Just then, Sashi walked out the door. He saw her, and laughed.
Sashi was stunned by what she saw. Then came the worry. What happened to Anad? Why did he look so broken? So hurt? Was he hurt? Before she could voice her the questions, he laughed. She heard the mocking tone of the laugh, saw the disdain in his eyes. And froze.
"What?"
She asked. But there was no answer.
It took him a minute to realise what happened, what he did. He cursed immediately.
"Damn it. This isn't it. I can't be so weak. Again."
He shut his eyes, and opened them to a while ago. He was leaning against the parapet desperately, but it was too much. His head was throbbing so bad, he felt nothing else. He bore it for as long as he could, which was only a brief moment, and then crashed under the torment. He screamed, but his dry throat let out no sound. He didn't want Sashi to see him in this state. Didn't want her to worry. Also, he knew the next time would be better.
And so, he shut his eyes. Opened them to a minute ago. He was leaning against the parapet. His head wasn't aching, but it was heavy. So heavy that it pushed him down to the ground. He was on all fours, breathing hard to stay up. He concentrated on calming himself, and when he did feel calm, he pushed himself to sit with his back against the parapet. He managed a smile, as he heard the soft footsteps coming up the stairs. He wiped away the pain from his face as she walked out through the door.
"Hi," he said in greeting.
She froze. Looked at him, long and hard. Something was wrong. But she couldn't put a finger on what it was exactly. Maybe it was her, she told herself. He heard her voice in the self deprecating smile.
"Hi," she said, returning the greeting.
"Can you think back to the last time we said hi to each other?"
He laughed at the question. The dry humour tickled her too, as she too laughed. The air was light far too short. The laughter ended with the air growing heavier and turning solemn.
"Can you remember the last time it was needed," she asked.
He shook his head. No. That was the truth.
"In honour of our first date, I got pizza and soda. From San's. Remember?"
"How can I not?"
They smiled. All that needed to be said was said in that smile. It was a testament of their deep friendship and their great love. Which made the night all the more difficult.
He would have preferred the awkward silence last longer. It was much better than what was coming.
She couldn't take it though. Tears spilled as a sob escaped.
"I'm sorry. I just can't."
He wouldn't let her finish. He didn't want her to go through the pain again. He didn't want to hear her say it again. And it wasn't necessary.
"I know," he said, and completed for her. "Feels so terrible. I know. I'm sorry too. I was wrong."