'I'm sorry Aerial… It's no use… I've tried so hard only to end up failing. I failed you and everyone else in my life, I no longer have a place in this world. Do not forget my story, but please do not tell it.'
My hand stopped, the sound of footsteps coming closer filled my ears. I moved from my lounging position from me sitting in the gaming chair to me lying on my bed. I quickly folded the note, lifted my pillow, grabbed my phone, placed the note under my pillow, placed the pillow back down and turned on my phone. Just in time too, because as soon as I had finished hiding the note and acting as though I was absorbed into my phone, the door opened to reveal a tall figure, with mocha skin, long dark brown fluffy hair similar to mine in color and dark brown eyes that had once looked at me full of care, now looked at me, deep annoyance filled within them.
"Why is it that every time that I come down here I find you sitting, on your phone, in that same exact rocking chair?" The figure questioned in a motherly tone.
I rocked back and forth on the floor trying to think of a viable answer, I sighed giving up not being able to find one that wouldn't give away what I really was doing, "I don't know…" That had become a popular answer that usually only escaped my lips. And more recently in a tone that was dull and not full of shame.
"Well, you can turn your phone off and take your butt upstairs and be social."
"Fine, I'll be up there in a second,"
"No, you will march your butt up those stairs right now."
"Alright! Alright, mom! I'm going!" I shut my phone off, placed it on the pillow I hid the note under, covered it with a blanket so no one would mess with it, I swung my feet out stood up and waited for my mom to leave; it took a little waiting but she left, eventually. I took one last longing glance at the pillow the note was hidden under, and then my bed itself, which was cut open and had items hidden deep within it. I would have to remember to ask my mom to teach me how to sow.
I starred off into space once again, mind wandering into the deepest, furthest, locked away thoughts. Thoughts that were suicidal, depressing, doubting, insulting… They were the most negative of negative thoughts. I had locked them away, only to find myself opening the door back up and letting them pour back into my mind whenever I had nothing to do.
I thought about Aerial leaving. She would quickly forget about me… After she moved she wouldn't dwell on the past, she would forget about the girl who thought of her as family, the girl who had let her lean on her, the girl who needed her the most. And she was leaving, everything she had created, was disappearing. I swung my feet off of the pale brown couch and let my feet just barely touching the floor.
I was getting ready to stand up but stopped, my thoughts began to drift again, surrounding Aerial, and then they all ended back in the same exact place they always did. Questioning why she had to leave why she meant so much to me and why it was so hard. I would always find myself thinking in circles, everlasting circles. I sighed and stood up fully, I was done with the thinking, I looked around to see if anyone was nearby. Nothing. So I walked over to the kitchen sink, above the sink was a window and on that window sill sat a blade. Not just any blade, a razor blade, a cutting blade, my cutting blade. I looked around once more to be sure I was alone, once I was completely sure I was alone, no sounds, no close laughter, it was all distant, just like my happiness.
I was getting ready to stand up but stopped, my thoughts began to drift again, surrounding Aerial, and then they all ended back in the same exact place they always did. Questioning why she had to leave why she meant so much to me and why it was so hard. I would always find myself thinking in circles, everlasting circles. I sighed and stood up fully, I was done with the thinking, I looked around to see if anyone was nearby. Nothing. So I walked over to the kitchen sink, above the sink was a window and on that window sill sat a blade. Not just any blade, a razor blade, a cutting blade, my cutting blade. I looked around once more to be sure I was alone, once I was completely sure I was alone, no sounds, no close laughter, it was all distant, just like my happiness.
I grasped the small blade and stuffed it into my coat pocket. I walked downstairs, through the boys room and into my cousins room. Empty. So I walked into the bathroom that was connected to her room and shut the door behind me, I sat myself onto the toilet and took the blade from my pocket. I rolled up the sleeves of my white jacket and got ready to run the blade across my skin like I had so many other times, but for some reason I stopped. I stared down at the small blade I had in my hand, ready to ruin my unscarred arm. But for some reason I couldn't, I couldn't hurt myself again and I didn't know why… Maybe it was because of me getting found out, or the thought of people not caring enough to see what I was doing. Or maybe it was because of what I promised Aerial. That I wouldn't cut, that I wouldn't do the forbidden act… But she didn't know how hard it was to not do those things, how broken I felt everytime I thought of her, my dad, my friends who had abandoned me, left me in the dark with no one. And as soon as those thoughts came back I found myself dragging the blade across my skin.
I bit my lip to keep the cries that wanted to pour from my lips at bay. I found myself dragging the blade across my skin again, and again, and again…
'1 For thinking about those things.
2 For not being good enough
3 For pretending
4 For faking
5 For being a disappointment
6 For being selfish
7 For not being able to keep my promises…'
I couldn't stop until I heard footsteps passing my cousins room, I gulped, cleaned the blade as fast as possible, wiped what little blood there was on my arm, shoved the blade back into my pocket and opened the door out of the bathroom. I plastered a smile onto my face and walked out of my cousins room, and what my family saw was a sweet, happy, kind and loving girl. One who wasn't suffering as bad as she used to.
But they are wrong… I am suffering, worse now than ever. I am 'not' sweet, happy, kind or loving, I am distant, lost, depressed and suicidal.
But all it takes, is a small smile, to cover it all up…