In a sea, somewhere in the middle, i'm here all alone. with me there is nothing but the wrecks of the ship in which i travelled this far.

Three days ago i was completely joyous down from heart for my dream has finally come ture. A dream of boarding the world's classic cruiser "THE SMALL BOAT". I wonder why they call a large cruiser ship with such a different name. People say that the cruiser was named by the owner as THE SMALL BOAT to represent the family-ly bonding amongst the people on board as if a small family. I don't know if that is true with the cruiser. well it's time to find out.

I'm not one of the Riches in my country. I'm a normal man,fetching salary at the end of month. Waiting the whole month to get paid and spending very cautiously every single penny. I don't even have assets that could feed me if I lost my job. it's me and my job alone from past 2 years. no promotions and no transfers. I've been saving for the ticket ever since I came to know about this cruiser. That was a fantasy. All those advertisements, and passenger's experiences they shared with me, and of most. seeing that cruiser once in very six months at the City dock on my way to work. ahh...that took my breath away. I don't know why the obsession over that cruiser. I guess it is because I have nothing to do in my life. neither I've my parents with me nor i have a family to care about. My life is such a lonely place. so I think this might explain my strong wish to get into the cruiser, at least I can have some memories at a different place.

Not just me. it is also many people dream to get into board. people with families.. for their children, some newly married, and few at the old age.

Some make fun of this cruiser saying 'Board this beast, before he sinks down to meet his cousin The Titanic'.

Reasons could be many,but all their target is to get into the boat, just like mine. so 3 days earlier from now we all got into this large SMALL BOAT and my dream finally came true.

"Heavenly father, Than you for this trip that you gave after these many months of waiting. I'm sure you heard my prayer I did everyday. You've never left my side and i trust in you that not in future you will leave me. thanks for providing me all my needs. I thank once again for this cruiser..in the name of Jesus I pray,Amen".

Honestly i don't know what to pray. i just can't beleive i'm in the cruiser.

I got my tickets punched, my lugages checked, cleared security scans and waiting for the boat. I see happiness all around me, eldders, youngsters, childern. everyone are very excited about this boat. it's a pride to get into the cruiser. isin't that?

THE SHIP ARRIVAL

"POOOONG!!!!!!!" came a lound noise.

I tured around to see the beast.

Finally the boat is at the dock and ready for next trip. Slowly it came to the docking port and anchored. the gates were opened. people started gathering at the ports. they were in real hurry. A lady guided us to our rooms. there were total 5 floors. I've got the 3rd floor. the 1st is for the Riches...thiers is the best in entire cruiser. 2nd goes to the higher officials like my bosses. they have too got good emenities, mine is kinda normal with a Bed and pillow also a stranger to share my room with. 4th is for people like who can't afford my class. they must be my assistants. they too have same emenities like mine except for 2 or 3..but theirs is a 4 shared room. and the last one is for the labour who work for the cruiser. well....its a pretty classified cruiser. but as a matter of fact....this cruiser is nothing like Titanic...ah...that is very grand.

The Deck. OMG!! what a large Deck. it can hold almost 500 people. a Swining pool, games, sun bath, what not.. like a paradise. and the view from here is priceless. that image simple dosen't go off my mind. that orange shaded sky with clouds and blue-white water from below... and red bright dot in middle....and that fresh air, sounds of sea gulls, and pleasent atmosphere. This ticket is worth of it's cost.

I've made good contact with my roomate. he is such a good guy. he is on a bussiness trip behalf of his boss. but he never stayed in room as he has got his frineds in next room..so he spends most of the time with them. so i'm again left alone. I guess i'm destined to be alone.

next 2 days i spent most of the time on the Deck geting the beautifull view of ocean. By god's grace i have no sea sickenss. and the view is very great that i never felt alone. and i also beleive that god is with me.

The postivity around me. I dont know why my kind of energy is seeing people happy. I'm seeing everyone enjoying. children playing, couples dancing, old people just going back in times and the crew of ship are too happy for there is no error till now. And I now came to know why the name of the cruiser is THE SMALL BOAT. It dosen't matter how long criseer is,but everywhere there is nothing but happiness..as if im in home.

I cherish in god for this time. He has given everyone what they need and when they need. I agree that my life is so alone and feels like broken,I never felt that way. I'm having what i want right now. and it's enough for now.

THANKK YOU LORD.

And now....I'm in water. holding up a ship wreck, in hot sunny day. everything was fine and great till this morning untill..a few hours ago.

I was standing on the deck getting the beautiful view of sunrise. nealry 70% are still on their beds including my roomate. I and few elders along with some ship crew were on the deck right when this started. first I heard a hude sound that almost teared up my ear drums from the other side of the ship. immediately there was a sudden jerk that pushed me 10feet forward from where im standing. i fell on floor and turned around. I saw that the other side of the ship rose high. very high. also there were flames, smoke and alarms. Smoke covered everything.

Before I could figured out that there was a blast i found myself sliding towards the smoke. I realized quick and took the support of the bars near me. I'm in total shock. My mind is full of questions

"Is this thing happening for real? with me on board? am I seeing real ship sinking? I've heard of many accidents but never had one. is this real??....what??...hey??..man??...what's going on?...someone stop this...."

I had no thoughts of death or dying...I just can't believe what's happening. People screaming, crying..all the dreams shattered. and kids..I can't see them crying. the fear in their eyes....my god...what is this?...old people....they're hopeless and helpless. young couples...they just holding each other and giving themselves to the destiny they never thought of. they dreamt of having great life together....But all they got is death together. All that I'm seeing...NOOO!!!!... I don't want this..I cant take this anymore...

Hours later....

Everything is now silent, for there is no one left to make noise expect for a few people with me who survived the sink. we boarded 650 people and survivors are 50 with me. A life boat pulled me in. I immediately felt unconscious as I spent almost 4 hours in hot water under hot sun. It all went as quick as a flash. 600 lives....

Hours later I woke in a hospital. I had a bad dream. I've seen the same scene that happened today

morning. I woke shouting 'NO'. A sister on duty came to me and said.

"It's ok...everthing is fine now. you're in safe hands". she asssured me its all over.

I had a deep cut on my left hand that takes a month to heel.

Because it can cure by itself, doctors had discharged me so as to save beds for the rest who really need. I recognized the hospital. I found i'm back to my own country. Finally something good happened. I can go back home.

when I'm coming out of the room..I came across the other surviors. I thought the others could me fine and fit. but what i saw is unimaginable. out 49 surviors, 12 are kids who lost parents. and they are left alone with thier parents bodies crying. 5 kids dont even know thier parents. no bodies found. few lost their love of life. and many broken things. even the survived people they lost more than thier lives in the accident.

This is beyond my capacity to handle.

with all those memories i came back home. My boss has grant me a month long leave. He heard the news, came home, bouhgt some fruits, said to take rest. He is good boss. he stayed with me about a hour and left.

Here I am in home Alone. the incident simply dont go off my mind. I continously see those things again and again. When i sleep, i see thier faces crying, greif, pain, those childeren and more. I just can't sleep with those in brain. I feel like crying, shouting, AHHHHHH...I dont know why, but i feel like it's all my fault. the ship sank down becaause I did that...I know i'm not , but i can't stop feeling this way. there is no one to hear my pain. NO ONE. only the walls hear my scream.

"WHY GOD? WHY???. WHY DID YOU LEFT ME ALONE. WHY THERE IS NO ONE TO SHARE MY FEELINGS? WHY?? WHY DID THEY DIE? ALL THOSE PEOPLE, INNOCENT. AND WHY DID YOU KEPT ME ALIVE AFTER SEEING ALL THOSE THINGS???. WHY??"

Litrellay i have nothing to do but to cry and blame myself...being Alone is not very simple. I cried to myself, I said 'it's ok' to myself. I yelled to myself, I pampered to myself. everting I did to myself.

A WEEK PASSED.

The cut on my hand started healing. but the band keeps on remainidng me about the incident. Snce i have nothing to do all I did is eat,sleep and read bible. I know, nothing will ever return back to normal. All i can do is bow my head and lean foreward into tomorrow. But the thing that keeps me dragging back is all those unanswered questions.

No mater what,everyone who is suffering,questions the same question to no one...WHY? WHY did this happen?, WHY did this happen to me?, WHY me?.

I found something very interesting out of my deep thoughts. We all need someone to blame on when something goes wrong with us. WITH US.

If there was a robbery in a bank where we've saved our money. Whom will we be blaming on first line?..the theif. And if Police takes too long to find him...we also blame Police saying they are very irresponisible. And so if they find and charge him to judiciary..and if the Judge gives him very small punishment or just release him due to insufficient witness, we have yet another person to blame on. And that dosen't stop there....we start blaming every single person who comes to our mind. It's because the pain we have. We've been saving those money since very long,spending our time and sweat. And now becaause of that theif everything goes in vanish. We are now helpless and Blaming is all what we can do. Finally we end up blaming Politicians.

Not just it. If there is any Road accident. Now we blame the Drivers. mostly the opposite one. Next in the line are those Police officers, Road contractors, Road Traffic Authority, Judiciary system. Again beacuse we are helpless we star blaming. Nothing can reverse any of the incidents that took place. And we also knew that, yet we blame just because of the pain we are facing.

And we end up is depression and a lot of Unanswered quesions like me.

oh yeah..we also blame the Politicians agian. I dont know why...we just blame.

Ok, forget about the man-made's., speaking abou the natural calamities, There we have no one ot blame. so what we do....we blame GOD.

This reminds me of all those people who raise thier voice when ever there is something like a Hurricane or Tsunami.."WHERE IS GOD? IF THERE IS A GOD ,THEN WHY WOUD HE ALLOW ALL THOSE INNOCNET TO DIE." The thing is we again are helpless and we know the fact that blamig any human just simply dosen't make sense. so we blame god like how i did before. Although someone is again there to blame the Politicians...for no reason.

The logic: When we see a Rainbow or a waterfall or somthing very beautiful...we simply say that's what a nature is. We come up with some great scientific explanations why is that beautiful. But in disasters, even if we know the science behind we blame god for the disaster. And some take a step forward and say

"People say,GOD is everthing, he created Earth, he do all mighty things, he can make any impossible's possible. but he can not stop a tsunami or hurricane."

They never appreciated the beautiful work of god but are ready to blame GOD for a disaster. It clearly shows that they just want to blame and nothing more.

I was too....I was very happy about the trip i got with this cruiser, I thanked him many times, days....but when this happen...i simply started blaming him...I did this and everyone did this..

Wait....I did belied in God and questioned him also people who don't also questioned him. Then what make me different from the others?.....or

The PAIN is no different from any of us. Everyone of us have the same pain, irrespective of belief on God The reason for the pain might be different, but the Pian is the same.

Right at the moment when our Cruiser got into ocean. not just me but all the other 650 lost something. at the same time somewhere on earth someone dies beacuse of a road traffic accident, or someone was murdered, or someone's child might have turned against his parents, or some where there could be a bomb blast, or someone might have drowned, or someone got divorced, or someone just broke their relationship, someone dies a natural death, or someone got robbed, someone got cheated by a fraud, someone failed, some scientist's experminet might have failed, or jusy simply a normal monthly wager like me did not received his salalry, someone commited suicide, or someone just lost everything he had.....The pain is the same like what is mine. the reasons could be very different, but the final ending is Grief.

We all have the same Pain. and the pain intensity changes based on how we handle it.

That means I have the same pain like you had. If i'm crying..then i bet you also must have cried at least once for something you have lost. This means to say that we are on the SAME BOAT.

And in this boat which had some small holes in it.....we can do nothing about them since we are not on the shore but in the middle of the ocean. Yes, The salt water is getting in. All we could do is keeping our finger on that small hole and prevent that hole consuming our beautiful boat that lead us to the shore on the other side where we can finay rest.

I agree. It's very difficult to keep the hole(the suffering) closed. It's pretty hard to forget the thing that bothers you very much...but trust me..

I've been thinking about the accident the whole week, and what i got is just Nothing. But now, after deciding on to forget, i already started feeling a change in me.

All you need is to forget about the hole by keeping your finger or if that hurts, just sit on it(kidding), you need to seal the hole with something you have(talents you have). Only then you can row your boat to the Shore(rest).

Don't try to answer all those Unanswered questions. All you need is to see Tommorow.

Aj

Inspired from BIBLE:

NO TEMPTATION HAS OVERTAKEN YOU EXCEPT WHAT IS COMMON TO MANKIND. AND GOD IS FAAITHFUL; HE WILL NOT LET YOU BE TEMPTED BEYOND YOU CAN BEAR. BUT WHEN YOU ARE TEMPTED, HE WILL ALSO PROVIDE A WAY OUT SO THAT YOU CAN ENDURE IT

1Corinthians 10:13

AMEN