"We could go hunt some bandits down, the guild pays a silver per head."
Flora spoke up for the umpteenth time these past few weeks.
Trying to either get the wagon to stop for a little while, or annoy me enough to get put into my subspace.
We've been traveling for three weeks now, and have traveled at least two hundred miles, and still there is nothing but forest!
Every time I ask if we are finally out the first kingdom, I receive a firm no.
Apparently, Waldstaat - the kingdom we are currently in - is far larger than I thought.
And this is just one of sixteen kingdoms in the empire of Saeria! And that's not including the floating nations on the inland sea.
As you can probably tell the boredom has driven us to road trivia.
I've learned more about this world, but at the cost of most of my sanity.
This trip is ruining the game OregonĀ Trail for me.
I think the reason so many people turn to cannibalism is not because they were hungry, but instead it was to shut-up the assholes who kept pushing your buttons.
I glared at Flora.
"So...? Are we going to hunt bandits, or not? And why are you staring at me like that?"
Flora riblets, Flora BLT, Flora...
"Not because I'm thinking of how you'd taste on a sandwich."
You shouldn't think that! My little angel on my shoulder is saying.
"What?!"
"Nothing. We are not going to hunt bandits."
"Why not?!"
"Because I'm not going to go kill people when they haven't done anything."
"They're bandits, they've done something."
"Where's your proof? Where I'm from we say innocent until proven guilty, and we - at least most of us - try not to go around killing people."
We paused the conversation as we hit a particularly rough patch of road, and bumped so much that I could feel my teeth rattle in my head.
When the bumping cooled down, Lyra was the first to speak.
"Where you're from? I've never known monsters to be so... uh... nice."
"Yeah, well, we're ahead of the curve."
Flora fake gagged.
Just keep going, and little shoulder angel will go on a vacation.
"So, if you spotted a bandit on the road, you wouldn't kill her on the spot for a silver?"
"Unless she attacked me or mine, no."
"But you're not home, you're here, and it would be perfectly reasonable to kill her."
"Just because you come from a law-abiding place and land in a lawless society, doesn't give you the right to do heinous shit.
In fact, it's the opposite, you should be setting an example of doing things the right way.
Any asshole who does come a civilized society to do uncivilized shit is not a hero, instead he's a villain pretended to be a good guy."
"Even if everyone else around you is doing bad shit?"
"If you spotted a group of guys gangraping a woman, would you join in?"
"Depends, how pretty is she?"
I looked at Flora aghast.
"What?"
"Seriously?! What do you mean..."
"Shhh!"
Eric interrupted me, and we all shut up.
It's the dead of night with only moonlight to show possible enemies, we still rely heavily on Eric's wilderness training.
I activated 'Empath Aura' and immediately felt malevolent presences all around us.
Seconds later my 'Spatial Awareness' noticed them as well.
"What is it?"
Lyra asked without looking back, as the rest of them readied their weapons.
"Don't know, but don't slow down."
The girls got into position, each choosing an angle to cover.
"Wasn't planning to."
Nearly all at once, dozens upon dozens of green eyes lit up on top of the tree branches.
"Guys..."
"Yeah, we see them."
Jurea's grip on her hammer tightened.
One pair of eyes jumped from a tree and landed on top of the wagon with us.
It stood up on two legs.
It looks like a green chimpanzee with a more human-like face, larger incisors, big bat-like ears, crude leather armor, and huge boo... No! Don't pay attention to that.
"Goblins!"
Jurea screamed as she swung her hammer.
The goblin dodged the swing, and charged at me with a dagger she had pulled out.
Once she was close enough she jumped at me while cackling.
I swiped at her with my claws, eviscerating and killing her on the spot.
Sweet!
"Hey guys, don't worry, they're super weak!"
I smiled.
My senses told me something was flying at me - fast!
I put my hand up, just in time for an arrow to pierce the palm of my hand.
"Aaaaaahhh! It hurts like hell!"
Shut up Patty!
Jurea pulled me down below the ridge of the wagon top, just as more arrows thudded against the wagon.
I yanked out the arrow, which somehow hurt worse coming out than going in, to let my hand heal.
Lyra urged the horses to go faster than they already were.
Fuck! The whole reason we've been driving day and night - stopping every other day - is because this stretch of forest is called the goblin woods, and we wanted to avoid something like this!
My heat vision allows me to see the goblins moving around in the trees.
They are running, jumping, and swinging from tree to tree. As they fly through the air some would meet mid-air like trapeze artists, and one would toss the other at our wagon.
The thrown goblin would then latch onto the wagon, pull a weapon out, and start to climb up.
The girls would knock them off once they got over the ridge.
I stood up.
"{Air shield}."
A swirling orb of air surrounded me, deflecting arrows.
"{Fire javelin}{wind blade}{fire javelin}."
I tossed spell after spell, and the little shits are dodging them!
How are they dodging spells that hit me?! I have spid...
An arrow hit my wind shield and headed towards Lyra.
Without thinking, I charged towards her, and caught the arrow with the palm of my hand.
"Aaaaaah! Why do I keep doing that?!"
I yanked yet another arrow out of my hand.
"Shit! We have a problem!"
Lyra shouted back at us.
We all looked forward to see that the goblins pulled down a large tree with a rope into the road.
Lyra started pulling on the reigns.
"No! If we get surrounded, we're dead!"
Flora yelled at Lyra while running to the front.
"I have no choice!"
"Speed up!"
"What?!"
"No time to explain, just shut up and do it!"
"Okay! Ya!"
"{Fire ball}-{fire ball}-{fire ball}-{fire ball}-{fire ball}!"
A fire ball larger than a beach ball with unbelievable intensity shot out of Flora's staff.
It flew through the air, and upon contact with the tree, blew up.
Incinerating the tree and surrounding goblins.
As we rammed through the flames, I used my body to protect Lyra, and the girls ducked under the wagon ridge.
Once we passed out of the fire, we all looked back.
The goblins had stopped chasing us.
I turned to Flora and patted her on the back.
"Good job."
My burnt skin started to knit itself back together.
"Yeah... don't... huh... mention... huh... it."
Eric pointed behind us.
"What about the fire?"
"Don't... huh... worry... huh... it will... huh... burn itself out."
A huge fire flared up behind us.
"Maybe."
_____________
It's been a couple of days since the goblins attacked.
We finally can't see the smoke from the wildfire Flora caused, hopefully the locals would think the fire was caused by the goblins.
Just in case though, when traveling back through here, it was unanimously decided to take another path.
On a side note, Flora, Emira, and Eric gained two levels when the forest got lit up.
Which means that a lot of creatures died en masse.
Poor Bambi got roasted, along with Thumper, Flower, Faline, friend owl, and all the rest of Disney's sidekick stable of characters.
We're all going hell.
You think Disney cares?
The basically gave the Mary Poppins creator the big motherfucking middle finger.
And then made a movie saying they were the undersung heroes of that story.
You don't fuck with Disney's lawyers.
Lyra stopped the wagon, and we led the horses off the path, and started to setup camp for the night.
We pulled leather tents out and quickly set them up.
Flora started a fire, while Lyra took out dried meat for us to eat.
"{Boulder}{boulder}{boulder}{boulder}..."
I went a decent bit away and made use of the spell I learned in the dungeon to build a makeshift wall.
After I made a decent amount of boulders, I would then use my crafting stat to bind them together.
It wouldn't stop anything that was seriously trying to get at us, but it would slow them down.
Mini status.
------------------
Energy : 467/1,087
Health : 1,200 /1,200
Stamina : 706/706
Extra energy : 5,000
------------------
"Hey, can I ask you something?"
Eric came up to me with her bow in hand.
"Sure."
She hesitated, perhaps unsure if what she was going to ask is too personal.
I was about to reassure her, when she spoke up.
"The others told me about how they met you, and how long you were down there alone.
So, I was wondering why didn't you try to communicate with any other humans? You were one once, right?"
"Yeah, I was, why?"
"It's just... why didn't you seek out other humans? Weren't you... lonely?"
I took a deep breath in, then slowly let it out.
"Yeah, I guess I was in the beginning, but that doesn't mean I was stupid.
Humans are great, towards cute and cuddly things.
Towards a big man eating lizard they'd probably shoot first, and continue on their way next, no other steps necessary.
That's how Flora and I met, she tried to kill me when I tried to help her out of goodness of my heart."
Semantics.
"Do you miss your original world?"
"Yeah, sometimes I do, but I choose to look forward.
I'm in a new world, with magic, new friends, and I am constantly getting stronger."
"Wow, reall..."
"All to finally get back at the shitty goddess who sent me here!"
I said cutting her off, and flipping the sky the bird.
Shut up Patty.
"But enough about me, where are you headed?"
She lifted her bow.
"I thought I'd head out to hunt some small game. Might as well hunt while we can, and save supplies."
I nodded my head in agreement.
"Okay, just be safe out there."
She nodded and slinked away into the darkness.
I'm glad she left, now it's time for my weekly.
Going to take a shit.
I know what you're getting at, but that only applies to horror stories.
My life is far removed from that.
An action one! Or at least a revenge one. And as the main lead character I've got plot armor!
What?
Shut up Patty!
Besides, I'm not going to go far, and with my new ability I know where everyone is at all times.
As soon as I thought of it, my new ability's description appeared before my eyes.
------------------
Malignity Locator : Within a radius of ten square miles you'll know exactly where each member your malignity is.
------------------
I don't know how to explain it, it's like there's a map inside my head showing me them and their immediate surroundings.
That's how those goblins were able to pull off all of those mid-air feats.
Besides, when I turn into a goblin I get night vision!
Shut up Patty.
I looked around myself.
Nothing but privacy, good.
I would never tell the girls this, but the reason I especially seek privacy when I go is because I'm weirded out by it.
I don't piss anymore.
Ever since I came into this world I have yet to pee, no matter how much water I drank.
Instead, I just poop out bi-colored poo. Once I was done, I started to head back.
"Aaaaaah!!!"
That's a girl's scream!
I should go get the girls... like a quirky animal sidekick would do?
I took off in the direction of the scream.
Shut up Patty!
This has got nothing to do with my ego.
Yes, if I turn back to get the girls, she could be dead before we get back.
If it is a trap, I can transform to get away.
I'm faster alone.
As I got closer I began to smell blood.
I sped up.
When I came upon the scene of the scream I saw a teen girl on the ground with a gash across her shoulders, and a guy wading through a pond towards a female monster with his sword lift onshore.
I ran to the girl.
She's young, less than sixteen, short green hair, and wearing basic armor.
She's out cold, probably due to shock from getting cut open.
"{Healing palms}."
The wound on her back sealed up.
I ran to the edge of the pond.
"Hey! You're friend could use some fucking help."
I picked up a rock and hit him upside the head with it, he gave no reaction except continuing forward to his early grave.
"Oh, so more prey has decided to show up."
The monster spoke without a sound leaving its mouth.
It smiled, needle-like fangs aimed at me.
It had webbed crocodile claws, gills on its neck, hair the color of seaweed, but over all still looked human... ish.
In a bad way.
As in not a cute monster girl from anime you'd smash - y'all know who y'all are, but the hags from the witcher.
(If you want nightmares, look it up, and imagine pounding that.)
"Um... Huh?"
It pinched its boobs between its arms.
"I am irresistible, aren't I? No male can resist me, come and join him as my meal. Hahaha!"
This bitch be tripping.
"No thanks."
"Haha... Wait, what?! I'm irresistible!"
Not by a long shot.
"Eh... I've seen better."
And I have.
In my world we may not have cured cancer, but plastic surgery and the cosmetic arts have come along way.
Oh, pornhub, how I miss you.
Or any of the others, except for 4chan.
The world could do with less nazis.
"Better than me! How?!"
As its anger got the better of it, the boy stopped and started to look confused.
Confused is good, confused isn't marching to your death.
"Well, if you want to know..."
"Tell me!"
"Well... Your needle teeth are fine except for the fact that they're crooked and yellowing, ever heard of flossing?
Your breasts are uneven, and only between a B and C cup - either you're going for the athletic look or not.
Your hair could do with more volume, it looks like a drowned rat.
Your butt is as flat as a stone slab. Your bony elbows, knees, and ribs would just dig into people, put on some weight. And would you look at your..."
I stopped mid sentence due to it looking like it was about to cry.
"Wahahaaa huh... huh...wahhhhh!"
She actually burst out crying.
Ugh...
"You monster!"
The guy released from the monster's spell waded back to shore, picked up his sword, and was pointing it at me!
I put my hands up.
"Look, I know what this looks like! But I'm here to help, I just healed your friend!"
I pointed at the unconscious girl.
"I know that! You're obviously one of those lizard people from down south.
I'm talking about what you did to the hydryn!"
Wait, what?!
"Are you fucking shiting me! She was going to eat you! She made you attack your friend! How am I the bad guy!"
"She's a monster, what she did is what comes naturally for her! There's no need to call someone out on their appearance, you ignorant asshole."
The fucking ungratefulness.
"But... But... She doesn't even look fully human!"
"Wahhhh! Mother always said I was a failure because my human transformation sucked!"
"See, even she knows she's ugly."
"Wahhhh! I just wanna die!"
She jumped up and transformed into crocodile fish hybrid, and swam to the bottom of the pond.
He glared at me.
"Well, I didn't mean like that!"
"Just go."
Instead of arguing a lost cause, I left.
Shut up Patty.
Shut up Patty!
__________________
When I got back Eric had already caught something and was cooking it over the fire.
I plopped down by the fire to warm up.
"Where were you?"
Looked over at Flora.
"I respect women of all body types! I'm going to bed!"
I went to my tent, to sleep, and hopefully forget this horrible day.