I cursed under my breath. So I did talk about that when I was drugged up after all. Why didn't Nick leave? Why did he let me go on about that when I wasn't myself? To satisfy his own idle curiosity?
My fists shook as I shouted at him. "That is absolutely none of your business!"
His eyes were sad. "I'll take that as a yes."
"So what?" I asked angrily, hot tears sparking in my eyes. "So what my dad was a grade A creep. There. Mystery solved, Nick. You know why I went into social work and why I am incapable of falling in love. That's all there is to me."
He was quiet a moment. When he looked back at me his eyes were pained. "I didn't know. All this time I've criticized you for making that poor sap fall in love with you and you don't even know what love is."
You don't even know what love is. I could spit fire. Everything I did was motivated by love. Love was what caused all this trouble in the first place. If I hadn't loved my sister so much I could have moved on and had a completely different life.
How dare he! How dare he say that I don't know what love is just because I've never been interested in romantic love?
"I loved Cindy," I said fiercely. "I loved her with all my heart. I loved my mother. I love the kids I work with. I love my stupid, trouble-causing roommate. I love my cats. I even love you. So don't you dare tell me I don't know what love is."
At this point, tears are running down my face at an alarming rate but I don't care. Just because I can't do a certain type of love doesn't mean I don't know what love is as a whole. I care a lot. Too much, even. That's love too, isn't it?
Nick looked genuinely contrite. Shocked even, that I'd gone off on him like that. "I…I didn't mean…"
"You're a romantic. You genuinely loved someone in that way, and I get that. But don't give me crap for not feeling the same thing."
I got up to leave, ready to storm out and never talk to him about anything other than the mission ever again, when I heard Nick say my name.
"Lori. I love you too."
I whipped around to stare at him.
"I do," he said seriously. "That's part of why I've given you such a hard time about it. I care about you too much to see you self-destruct like this. I want you to be happy."
I somehow managed to find my voice. "I can't be happy anymore. Not without her. She was my happiness."
"It's been nine years and you haven't found anything that makes you happy?" he asked incredulously. "Not even in small moments? That's what keeps me going. I can't be a happy person overall without them, but I can be happy sometimes. Mostly when I'm with you."
A dozen instances pass through my mind. Finishing a really good book. Seeing kids thrive in better environments that I helped them get in. Watching movies and doing running commentary with Faye. Petting one of my purring cats. Joking around with Nick. Seeing older cats at the shelter get adopted when they've been there forever. Rollerskating with Jon's kids.
My life has more happy moments than I expected. But like Nick said, I can't be a happy person overall either. Not without her. She was my life.
Without her, everything went dark and that's when I turned to murder. That's when I closed myself off from ever having a real future.
Cindy. What would she think of me now? All she ever wanted was for us to be happy.
"No," I said simply. "But it's not enough. Cindy was my future. Any hope of being happy for real died with her. We were going to escape together and build a better life. Then she had to die at the hands of a rapist while trying to escape a rapist."
I chuckled bitterly at the cruel irony. "Life takes more than it gives. But for the record, you sometimes make me happy too."
He gave me a small smile. "Then will you forgive me?"
I sighed wearily. "Yeah. I think I hold more than enough grudges for one person. I don't need any more."
Relief was written all over his face. "Thanks. And thanks for telling me about all this. I don't think it's your fault, I promise. I'll figure out what to say to Faye and tell you what happens as soon as she contacts me."
"Okay," I said in a small voice. "I'm going home now."
He nodded. "Drive safe."
When I made it back to my apartment, I was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened during the day that all I could do was curl up in my bed with three of my cats and cry.