Friday rolled around and I somehow managed to make it through work without talking to Jon. I couldn't pretend to look forward to a 100% perfunctory date and I started to feel guilty for taking advantage of his interest in me. When he came by my cubicle at the end of the day I was not prepared for more acting. Lately it seemed like all I ever did was act.
He hadn't dressed up excessively nicely; he was wearing regular work clothes. That made me feel better. I hadn't dressed up either. "Hi," I said awkwardly.
"Hey," he smiled. He really did have nice eyes. Bright. Happy. Unlike my dead, empty ones. "You ready to go?"
"Ready as I'll ever be," I tried to joke. I was ready for the evening to be over and be back in my apartment with my cats but I couldn't exactly say that.
In the car Jon made it easy for me. He talked about himself for a while. His favorite sport (baseball), his favorite movie (The Mobfather), his favorite type of food (Thai). And his kids. He talked about them a lot. I didn't even have to pretend to enjoy the anecdotes about his adorable little girls. Kids and cats were the only things that could elicit positive emotion from me anymore. I could engage in this kind of small talk.
The conversation didn't turn to me until we were waiting for our food at the Italian restaurant he took me to. Apparently he remembered that was my favorite. When I mentioned this to him, I had no clue. I was a little disconcerted that he remembered such a random detail.
"So, tell me more about yourself."
I was distinctly uncomfortable but made an excellent effort to hide it. "What's there to tell? I love kids, I volunteer at the animal shelter on the weekends, I read. My job is my life. I'm pretty boring."
"You volunteer at an animal shelter? I didn't know that." How could he? It wasn't common knowledge. I was defensive about my five cats. Most people thought it was excessive. But maybe I could use that to my advantage, to scare him away.
"Yeah. It breaks my heart seeing all those cats in cages. I adopted five since I became a volunteer."
He didn't seem as disturbed as I had hoped. "Wow, that's cool. What are their names?"
"Abby, Angel, Fizzy, Daisy, and Micah. I got them all at different times. I'm just helpless when it comes to pitiful meows," I admitted.
Jon laughed at that but it wasn't a mean laugh. He wasn't making fun of me for my cat obsession. Weird. "Kudos to you for helping out animals in need. I can tell you're a really giving person. You put other people—and cats—first."
That was one of the nicest things someone had ever said about me. I didn't deserve it. The blush on my cheeks was real when I said "thanks."
The food finally arrived, a blessed distraction from conversation. I managed to hold off further questioning by taking very, very slow bites. My stomach was fit to burst by the time the date ended. We walked around the city for a while after that, much of which was in silence.
"I didn't realize you weren't much of a talker at work," Jon mused after a while. "You participate in group discussions so it took being one on one to see you just don't talk much."
I was confused. "Is that an insult?"
"Just an observation," he remarked. "You're a hard person to get a read on."
"I could say the same about you," slipped out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying.
"Really?" He seemed amused, carelessly running a hand through his hair. "I always thought I was an open book."
"Maybe you are," I conceded. "I just experienced a seismic shift in my view of you when I found out about your kids. I've been trying to realign it ever since." I paused. What was I even saying? "I don't know why I'm telling you this."
He shrugged. "A lot of people think it's weird. A single guy my age with two kids."
"I don't think it's weird!" I insisted. My impression of him changed when I found out about his kids, but that wasn't it. "I think it's great! Oh, I don't know how to explain it. But I think it's amazing. Really." And I did. I was thoroughly impressed with what I did know of Jonathan Pickering as a person. But I didn't have room in my heart to truly love anyone else after losing Cindy.
"Thanks," he said, pleased. "That means a lot coming from you."
"Jon…" I didn't know what to say. This conversation was heading in a dangerous direction and I couldn't go there. I thought I'd scare him off on this date but that backfired on me big time. If anything, he seemed more invested than before. Five cats and all.
"I don't expect anything from you, if that's what you're thinking. I just want to get to know you better."
"I bet you say that to all the girls," I said dryly.
"I'm serious." He looked at me earnestly. "I think you're a great person. I'd like to spend more time with you. If you're okay with that."
Hating myself, I replied, "I'm okay with that." I needed to strengthen my alibi. As awful as it sounded, that was more important than his feelings.