"Mommy, look. My plane's broken," Ashton said as he showed his toy to me and I smiled.
My son then settled on my lap and I gently placed my hands around his middle as he fiddled with it. Inhaling his baby scent, feeling his warmth made me realize what I had been missing, and the extent of my sin.
Glancing at my husband's back, I decided that it's a high time to say goodbye to this dream. I already fulfilled my selfish desires to be with my complete family for a while and I had to return to reality soon. The real Ashton awaited me there. I had to stop running. My Adam wouldn't approve of me escaping forever.
Planting one last kiss on top of Ashton in my delusion, I felt my tears blurring my vision and they started to fall.
"Mom? Why are you crying?" Ashton asked and I shook my head as I smiled at him.
I couldn't very well tell my son regardless that he's not real that I would be waking up soon right?
"Mommy," Ashton called as he shifted on my lap and hugged me with his small arms. "I love you mommy," he whispered and I lifted my hand to dry my tears as I nodded and hugged him back.
"I love you too," I told him, and I did – do love him very much. This was why I would return to his side now. My heart, regardless that it still hurt was now somewhat at peace.
"Mommy. Don't be sad anymore. Look," Ashton said as he shifted and stepped down on the floor carrying his toy.
He raised his small arms with the airplane and threw it, and the two of us watched as it glided clumsily across the room until it got stuck on the railing of the stairs.
"Oh," Ashton muttered woefully as he glanced at his father who still had his back on us while he talked on the phone.
My son then glanced at me as he hesitated and then turned around to run towards the stairs.
With wide eyes and a fluttering heart, I watched in held breathing as my son braved the stairs step by step until he reached the part near the top where his airplane got stuck.
"No…" I whispered as I saw him tiptoe and stretch his hand for his toy. I glanced nervously at Adam, wanting to call him, but my voice wouldn't come out as my body started to shake.
Fear enveloped my chest as I slowly stood up, my mind going blank about my surrounding. All I knew was that I had to reach my son.
"Ash…" I called as I stepped forward, eyeing the glass table and vase beneath my son where he'd land if he slipped which he did.
"NO! ASH!" I screamed as adrenaline rushed into my veins and I jumped, catching my baby with both hands, not caring where I'd land as long as he was safe.
Adam must have been startled for I heard him screaming our names.
"YESHA! ASH!" he cried as the world around me twisted, warped into an endless mirage and I knew from the intense pain and the warmth of my blood spilling that I was already, finally, wide awake.
========
"Big Sis?"
I opened my eyes and was blinded by light.
"Big Sis?" I heard my sister's voice call me again and my vision started to focus.
Jane beamed at me and I tried smiling back.
"Hi," she whispered as she swallowed, her nose getting red and I knew she was about to cry. "I'm sorry. It's just that I'm very happy you're awake," she said as she wiped her eyes with her sleeve, a habit she had since we were young and my smile turned wistful.
"I-I want to sit," I told her which obviously startled her but she quickly did my bidding, setting my bed into a high-fowler's position so I could sit.
"W-what else do you want?" she asked as she studied my face closely and I swallowed.
"Water," I replied and her jaw hung open, her eyes wide as she stared at me.
"Are you okay?" I asked in a raspy voice, obviously not used for a long time and I coughed. "Why do you look like that?" I asked her and she began to weep.
"It's because you're talking to me," she answered and I frowned.
"Why wouldn't I talk to you? Did we fight?" I asked and Jane shook her head, biting her lip as she did as if to prevent herself from crying out loud. "Jane, water," I reminded her and she immediately moved to get me a glass.
Having quenched my thirst, I looked at my bandaged hands and arms and saw the cuts and bruises there and my lips began to tremble as I remembered where I was and why.
"Big Sis? What's wrong?" Jane asked worriedly as she walked to my side.
I shook my head as I breathed deeply. I couldn't fall apart again, I thought. I already decided I wouldn't fool myself anymore. Ashton's accident in my dream was a reminder that it could happen to my real son. I had to be strong for him, to be with him, to take care of him.
"Where's Ashton?" I asked and Jane sighed.
"Well, your son was really shaken about what happened to you so I'm sure he would stay away from the stairs from now on," Jane answered and I frowned.
Stairs? I wanted to ask what she was talking about, but Jane beat me to it by telling me.
"When he fell and you caught him, he saw how you hit the table and the glass shattered. Seeing your blood shocked him so he's with Adam at the counselor's office, assuring him that you'll be fine. Ash thought that you're going to die."
What?
"What are you talking about?" I asked Jane, my expression bewildered.
She just described what happened in my dream but I couldn't be dreaming now, right? The constant throbbing of my wounds told me I was very much awake.
But…
"Adam?" I asked her, my tone was that of disbelief. "How could Adam be here? He's dead," I said and Jane gasped.
"Big Sis, no!" my sister stated vehemently and I got confused.
"But the car accident the other day. I lost my baby and they said my husband's dead. He flat-lined and they wouldn't let me see him! They wouldn't let me see him!"
As if a dam broke inside of me, I cried rivers and rivers of tears as my sister held me tight. I cried for my unborn child, and I cried for my husband until my tears dried up, and along with it the grief that I had been holding onto for so long. When at last there was nothing left but broken sobs, Jane stroked my hair as she explained things.
"Big Sis, please listen to me," she said. "Your car accident happened a year ago," she stated which made me freeze.
"What?" I asked and Jane nodded.
"A year ago, you and Adam had a car accident. You lost your baby, yes, but Adam's still alive. He had been critical for some time but he survived and he had been taking care of you for a year now because…"
Jane's voice trailed off obviously uncomfortable and I looked at her with pleading eyes to continue. "Because you got depressed and withdrew from the world. We thought it was because you lost the baby and you thought Adam was gone, and it seems we're right."
"But I heard them say he died," I whispered but Jane shook her head. "He's alive, Sis. He's alive, and you're finally back to normal now."
Silence came as I tried to absorb my sister's words. "If what you're saying is right, then what am I doing here?" I asked as I glanced around my hospital room.
"Haven't you been listening to me? You had an accident – well Ash had an accident. He fell from the stairs and you caught him in time. In the end, you fell on the glass table which shattered and the shards pierced your skin. But aside from those wounds, there was nothing serious about the accident. Adam just brought you here to make sure you're okay because there was so much blood since it's the skin and he got scared."
Adam.
"Jane, that's what exactly happened in my dream. Ash was trying to get his airplane," I said and my sister shook her head as she smiled.
"You're not dreaming. It was real."
"Oh my God," I whispered as my breath hitched up my throat.
All this time I thought I was dreaming but it turned out to be the actuality.
In my grief, I had mixed up my nightmare from the accident to my reality which trapped me for a year.