Devy was not happy at all. Understandably so, anyone would be pissed if their entire apartment was full of piss. (pun intended)
We were sitting in the staircase of the hallway. The hallway one floor below the floor Devy lives on. That's how bad the smell had gotten by the time Devy returned. I thought if I'd clean up before Devy showed up he'd never know. But the Fucker had peed on the ceiling as well.
How the hell did that Fucker even get pee up there anyway? I guess some of his talents other than robbing were peeing real far and.... well, peeing a helluva lot I guess.
Then I wondered.
He must've had to pee vertically to get it on the ceiling. So wouldn't a portion of the pee fall on him too? Like all over him, head face and all. You know, because of gravity.
......
F(Pressing F to pay respects)
I payed my respects to his spirit of self sacrifice for revenge.
I, on the other hand, obviously didn't know how to clean off piss from the bloody(pissy?) ceiling, it wasn't one of the things a god is used to. You must be asking now if a god is used to having a cat pee on his face, faint and wet himself due to fear, get scolded by a measly manager human, made fun of by a good portion of the world through memes.
And the answer was NO.
A god is NOT used to these things.
Or at least he shouldn't be.....
It was getting scary how I was slowly adapting to the ridiculous things happening to me after falling.
There was hardy much shock. Like your entire home being peed upon by a stranger was an everyday affair.
"How exactly did this happen?" Devy asked.
I had the perfect explanation. After what had happened yesterday morning, Devy wouldn't even doubt it for a second. If that Fucker can pee on my, a god's face. Then the ceiling's got nothing on him.
"The cat did it." I said, trying to exude truthfulness through my eyes.
.....
.....
The silence was killing me. "What?" I asked,
"Ketchup did it, you say?" Devy looked at Ketchup sitting peacefully in his lap.
"Meow," purred Ketchup as if denying the accusation.
Apparently there was more truth in his meow than in my eyes.
Fucking cat, undermines me on purpose I swear
"Tell me the truth or I'll call the police."
I don't know what everyone seemed to have about calling the police. I'm not a criminal! I'm God! Literally! And it seemed as if, for some reason, they wanted to call the police even more when I told them that I was god.
"OK OK, you must've seen the news," I said as I handed Devy the note the robber left behind and told him everything.
"That fucking robber." Devy growled. Much like I had done last chapter.
I nodded. I could understand how Devy felt. This might be Devy's first time but it's money first or second time dealing with this.
Dealing with piss that is. First the cat, then....
Well me.
And now the robber.
"I'll call up some guys up at work, they'll help clean up. You go sort it out with Greg."
I was bewildered. "Greg who?"
"The robber. He turned the note to the other side where there was a number-
Greg- 18XX8XX0XX
I looked at Devy. Why in the world, would he give his number? What does he want? What would we talk about anyway? Who peed more and
All this I tried to convey with my eyes to Devy. Devy blinked and blushed slightly as he looked away.
No you idiot!! That's not what I meant!
Apparently my inner plight was conveyed as something very different. But I've heard animals are good at reading human emotions and I guess it's true. Because the message was picked up by....
Yep that's right, Ketchup purred and jumped on to my lap from Devy's and cuddled against me.
-SIGH-
"Ya ya I forgive you for peeing on my face you cutie,"
How could anyone be angry at this tiny sweet furry little thing?
.....
Waiiitttt a second!
Had I been converted from a dog lover to a cat lover?
Devy you devious bastard!
Then I thought how, if Ketchup was a dog instead of a cat he could've prevented the robber...or rather pisser, I'll call him pisser from now onwards, from peeing all over the place.
Yep. Dogs are the best after all.
Anyway, I went outside, there was a phone booth a couple of streets over and I begun to walk that way. A lot of things were going through my mind, important things, and I'd begun to make a mental list. Of what you ask?
Of how dogs are better than cats of course.
I reached the phone booth, got inside and dialled Greg's number.
-RIING RIING . RING RING . RIN---CLICK-
"Hello Greg," I said,
"Hi! This is Greg's home cleanup services. How can I help you today?" A plain, practiced customer service voice replied.
.....
I keep thinking.
When the cat peed on me, when I wet myself, when a human(the manager) shouts at me a god, and when a big chunk of the world was laughing at my memes. And finally when the shit(pee) hit the fan.
I keep thinking,
it couldn't get any worse than this.
I can't even complain that god has a cruel sense of humour!
"Hello? Hello sir? Are you there?" The customer service rep was asking,
"Fuck you Greg." I said as I slammed the receiver down.
"C'mon! It seriously can't get any worse than this!" I thought.
But of course, like all those times before.
I was completely and utterly wrong.