It was a dream I think, and I was talking to Carter:
"And what will the world think of you once you're dead and gone."
"I dont care what the world thinks."
"Dont lie, I know you better."
"They're gonna see me as the one who came, destroyed some things, and went off the grid."
"Are you okay with that?"
"I have to be."
"Why?"
"Because it's already started."
"You can't continue to run from your problems Carla, that's not how life works."
"It's working for me now isn't it?"
"You're sleeping in the sand and calling that okay."
"I'm not hurting anyone."
"You're hurting me."
"I'm helping you, you dont need my toxicity in your life."
"You're leaving because you don't love us, you never did."
"Don't say I never loved you."
"Why because its true?"
"No."
"Carla you never loved me, you just acted like it."
"I still get butterflies every time I look at you, so don't you ever say I never loved you."
"Dont lie."
"I would never."
"Then why'd you tell me that you'd never leave me, and youd always be there for me."
"I am."
"Then where are you?"
I jolted awake. Immediately after sitting up I started to dust the sand off my face. It has been three days since I ran off and the demons who haunted my dreams were getting worse and worse by the day. This was for the better of everyone else.
I have saving people by staying away from them.
Right?
I shook my contradicting thoughts from my head and destroyed the little house I had made. Every day, all day long, I would walk north and when the sun goes down I would build a shelter and start the same routine once I woke up.
I started sluggishly walking north. I was starting to get really hungry, I drank water from the ocean that I purify in my hands so I wasnt dehydrated.
Just hungry.
Really hungry.
I contemplated walking home after the second day, just because I missed everyone. I would quickly shake the thought as soon as it would pop in my head. This was better for them.
Nobody's wrists would get broken.
Nobody would have to deal with my emotional problems.
Nobody would have to deal with my anger and destruction.
It was better.
I was broken from my thoughts at about noon when I heard a blood curdling howl of pain coming from the forest. I sprinted full force into the forest, following the screams of pain. It came from an animal and I worried for its health with the way it was screaming in pain.
I came upon a big black dog fighting with a wild hog. The black dog was howling in pain while fighting the hog, probably because of her mangled body from how many blows she's taken. I stood in shock at what I was seeing, this dog, no, a wolf like dog was fighting a boar. No hesitation, no fear, fighting endlessly for what reason?
If she was hungry she wouldn't go after a hog by herself. It didn't take long for me to spring into action and turn into a wolf myself. I towered over the wolf mix but it didn't take long before we took down the boar.
I turned back into a human immediately after the hog fell and I dropped to the floor to catch the wolf mix before she hit the ground. A smaller identical looking puppy came running out of the underbrush and to my side. He curiously sniffed me before taking his attention to what I could only assume was his mother.
The puppy looked no older than six months old.
I gently brushed my fingers through the mother wolf mix's fur. She reacted as if she had never been pet and shuddered under my touch. She was terrified. Nonetheless, I still petted her to show her some love. No doubt she would die in a few minutes from her wounds. I could tell she had extreme eternal bleeding, something I couldn't fix. Her stomach was ruptured which was sending her body into shock. The most I could do was continue to pet her and keep her still.
I cried for a dog I just met, probably the compassionate person in me who's heart broke for mother and puppy. The puppy was nestled up in my lap with his head on his mom. The scene was absolutely heartbreaking. The mother took one deep breath. And then another. And then stopped breathing.
I buried her body a few feet away from where she passed away. It was by some wildflowers, I thought it was necessary. After I picked some flowers and laid it on the grave something dawned on me.
She fought relentlessly for her son. Her only family in the entire woods. She could've done atrocious things in the beginning of her life, but I'll remember her as the wolf mix who died for her son.
Nobody is going to care that I killed a group of twenty armed gang members. Nobody cared that I burned down their old homes. People saw my fight with the Commander as a courageous one. People saw me as a hero after fighting Valerie, after dying to save Carter. People saw Cleo's death as what drove us to get off the island. People saw me as a hero even though I was a monster. Nobody cared that I turned on my own friends to get justice for Carter. Nobody cared that I had punched Ryder. Nobody cared that I broke his wrist. Nobody cared that I almost killed my friends so I could go defeat Valerie.
What a messed up world I live in now.