[Why am I so useless?]
Howard made breakfast every morning. His drunk slimeball of a father kept screaming at him to get a better job even though he had not the education or funds to afford schooling. His dad was paid enough as a police officer to provide a good life for him, but all of it came to no fruition. He had wanted to study loads of things in life, go to many places, but that father of his wasted all his money away in drinking and gambling.
What respectable citizen and social worker could make his kids suffer in such a way?
He was twenty-three at the time and struggling with two jobs and the pressure of raising his younger brother who constantly clung onto him and asked him profound questions he didn't know the answers to.
Henry Hunt was a bright child, much like his younger self, curious about the world and waiting for everything to fall to his feet. But he was no longer a child. His father had long forsaken him, and when he grew to look like his mother, much like his elder brother, he got more furious at both of them.
Howard took the beatings willingly, not wanting his younger brother to suffer the same complex family life that he had, but he would sometimes fail when he finished his job late and came back home to find his brother, head hanging, tears streaming down his cheeks, waiting to complain to his older brother of the unfair treatment of his father towards him. Howard would patiently listen.
Often, he would feel inferior to his younger brother, who he knew would have a much better life than he did. He had paved the way for his success and nothing could have stopped Henry from getting to fulfil his dreams, dreams that he had projected onto his younger brother, of a faithful relationship, of devotion to one another, and abiding faith that the universe would make their lives better.
The thirteen year-old-brother made him proud, but also put fear in him. Henry had accomplished a lot more than Howard at that age.
One evening while he worked at the local mall, a familiar figure greeted him. She was a fine-looking young woman who had been in his class for all his life. Lily, her name was. And he still remembered how chirpy she had been as a child.
She had walked up to him and asked him for the receipt before she noticed him entirely.
"Howard?" she whispered, dumbstruck at seeing her schoolmate working at the store at that age. She had always thought that he would get into some famous university and achieve a lot of things when he grew up, she had idolized him for how he had possessed his body and make himself look important despite his shabby looks.
He was stunned that she had remembered. They came from a small town where everyone knew the other people and it was not a secret that Howard was one of the more insignificant beings in their city, yet this girl who had turned out to be extremely pretty had somehow remembered him.
"Lily," he muttered under his breath, embarrassed to be seen working there. He had hoped himself to be better than the position he was in currently and confronting a classmate while he was at work was the last thing he wanted to happen to him.
"How have you been?" she asked, delighted at having met him again, not picking up on the discomfort he was showing her. He tucked his head and kept scanning the barcodes, hoping to escape this embarrassing situation at all costs. He wondered if she would laugh at him.
"Fine," he said, his voice barely audible.
"You've never been one to speak much," she grinned. "What have you been up to recently?" She revealed no malice in her question. She was simply curious. She had a small crush on Howard for the longest time and found it apt that they had met on her holiday. He might be on the other side of the counter but she didn't think the job to be inferior.
"Working here and there." His words were choppy.
"I was wondering what had become of you. I am so glad we met." He simply nodded without replying to her verbally. "I just finished my masters and got a job. I was in town for a bit. Would you mind if we hung out for a bit?" she asked, a small, shy smile on her lips.
"No," he gritted through his teeth. He was sure that she was luring him on purpose, that she was doing it to humiliate him further. She had been the source of her torment for years, boys teasing her for her attention. She had been the reason he had been bullied. Why would he be associated with her?
"Then—"
"I said no." His tone was absolute. He cut into her words and then went back to bagging her things.
"You don't want to speak to me?" she muttered, hurt by his harshness. He didn't reply. She silently paid and went away, wondering if she had done something wrong.
Howard glowered at his hand and wondered why he had been so harsh on her, but chalked it up to his bad temper.
Indeed, his temper was bad. He got it from his abusive father, but this time it was triggered by his need to impose his superiority. He had nothing going for him, and a simple harsh reply could make him feel more in control of his life than talking to her and finding out how good her life was going. He didn't need to listen to her smug self-serving words.